Upside Down

 

 

A/N: This is a complete work of fiction.  I don’t own Marshall Mathers or any other recognizable persons that were mentioned throughout this terrible piece of work.  Jillian, Randall and the supporting characters are nothing more than products of my sick and twisted imagination.

Dedication:  To everyone that left feedback on the forum…I love you!

Chapter 1

Oh, don't you just love parties?  You do?  Well, good for you, because I most certainly don't!  Ugh, especially the Hollywood type parties.  God, you should have seen this place.  I've never seen so many pairs of fake boobs in my life!  Why on Earth would he bring me here for my birthday?  I so could have been relaxing.

"Jill, please don't make that face."

I guess he noticed my disgust.  Not that I was trying to hide it or anything...

"Randy, you know that I hate parties.  I can't believe I let you drag me out here."

And don't think that I wasn't being literal when I used the word "drag".  I was practically kicking and screaming on the way out of our hotel room.

"It's your 21st birthday!  Live a little!"

"NO!"

Yep, I can really put up an argument.  Ain't I a feisty one?

“Well, we’re already here, so I suggest that you enjoy yourself.”

What the hell, we were only gonna be out in L.A. for two more days.  He had just finished shooting a new movie, and I was wrapping up production on my latest video.  After that, we would be heading back to Michigan.

"Fine.  I will."

I noticed one of my favorite celebrity peers, and went running over to her.

“PARIS!”

She spun around in a supermodel like way and smiled one of the biggest smiles I had ever seen.

“JILLIAN!  You look great!”

“Not so bad yourself, Hilton!”

That’s right, I’m friends with Paris Hilton.  You don’t wanna kill me, do you?

“So, what brings you here?”

I glanced toward the back of the room and then back at her.

“Randy brings me here.  He insists that I celebrate my birthday the right way.  But I’m not sure if this is the right way.  You know I can't stand parties.”

“Jesus, Jill!  Live a little!”

“Ya know Randy said something sorta like that earlier?”

She shrugged.  “Great minds think alike.”

I just rolled my eyes.  “I shudder to think-”

Well, I was gonna say something really cool, but Paris quickly cut me off. 

“Hey, did you know that Eminem is here tonight?”

“So?”

“So, you like him.  Right?”

“Yeah, but I *love* Randy.  Besides, I’ve never even met Eminem.”

“Do ya want to?”

“I *want* to go home, Paris.”

“After you meet Eminem? Correct?”

“Whatever.”

“Coming from you that means ‘yes’.”  She grabbed my arm.  “Come on, let's go find him.”

“Hold on.”  I made her release the grip she had on me.  “I should tell Randy where I’m going.”

“You’re gonna tell your boyfriend that you’re searching for the guy you have a crush on?”

“I don’t have a crush on him, Paris.  I don’t even know him.”

She started grabbing at my wrist, but quickly let go when she saw Randy walking up.

"Hi, Paris."

"Hi, Randy."

He turned his attention from her and focused on me.

"Jillian."

"Randall." I giggled.

"Try not to do anything too newsworthy, tonight.  The last thing we need is another bullshit story in the tabloids."

He dragged me out to a Hollywood party on my 21st birthday and expects me not to make the news?

"What could I possibly do to make the news?"

"Well, look who you're hanging out with."  He pointed at Paris and she frowned at him.

"Paris and I aren't gonna get in any trouble.  We're America's Sweethearts!"

He laughed.  "Whatever you say, honey."

"Look, me and Ms. Hilton are gonna go mingle.  I'll meet you back here in about 20 minutes."

Damn, this place was really packed.  Paris and I quickly took off through the massive crowd of people.  We were basically ducking our way through, which probably wasn’t the smartest thing to do.  Why wasn’t it the smartest thing to do?  Because someone’s elbow caught me right in the eye!

"Ow!  Shit!"  I held my hand over my right eye and screamed at the top of my lungs.  I found it funny that no one bothered to turn around.  Then again, the place was so loud; I figured that none of them really heard me.

"You ok, Jill?"  Paris was trying to pry my hand away from my eye, but I wouldn't dare move it.

"Oh, shit!  Did I hit you?  I'm so fuckin' sorry!"

Paris and I lifted our heads to get a good luck at the guy that hit me.  Just my luck...

"Oh my God!  I can't believe Eminem hit me in the eye!"

"I'm so sorry.  You ok?"

"Yeah."  I was still covering my eye.

"Let me see that."  He moved my hand out of the way gently, and I could tell by the look on his face that it didn't look too good.

"Fuck, I'm sorry.  It's gonna turn black.  I can already see it."

"Really?  It's that bad?"

"I'm sorry."

"Stop apologizing.  It'll be fine."

Whoa, I almost forgot that Paris was still standing there.

"Jill, if you're ok, I'm gonna go ahead and get outta here.  This place is so tired now.  I'm sure you and Em will have fun together."

We hugged, and she cautiously made her way to the exit.

"So you here by yourself, Jill?"

"No, my boyfriend is around here somewhere.  He brought me here to celebrate my birthday."

"Oh.  How old are you?"

"Twenty-one."

"You lookin' to get wasted?"

"Absolutely not!  I don't hold liquor very well."

He stood there staring at me for a moment or two and then smacked his forehead.

"Damn, I feel stupid!"

"Why?  What's wrong?"

"I just realized who you were.  You look *a lot* better in person."

"I'll take that as a compliment."

“Good, because that’s what it is...a compliment.”

“Thanks, but I’d better get back to Randy and explain my eye.”

“I really am sorry about that.”

“It’ll be ok.  You gonna be here long?”

“Maybe a few more hours.  D-12 is wanderin’ around here somewhere, so...”

“Oh.  Well, maybe Randy and me will catch up with you guys later.”

“Sounds good.  You better look out, though.  50 and G-Unit’ll be here in a few.  The building might crumble!”

I laughed.  “I’ll be sure step lightly.”  I shook his hand, and headed back to find Randy.

My eye was starting to swell.  I could feel it.  I was paying so much attention to my eye, that I didn’t pay attention to where I was going and smacked right into a rock-hard chest.  Damn, I was getting my ass kicked!  Still, I was a little relieved when I realized that it was Randy that I ran into.

Hey, did I mention that he’s 6 feet 4 inches tall?  I didn’t?  Well, now ya know.  He’s one tall son-of-a-bitch!

He looked at me, and I could see that he was not happy.

“What the fuck happened to your eye!?!”

“Um...”

“What happened!?!”

“Eminem hit me!”  I blurted out.

“You gotta be fucking kidding me!  I swear to God, only shit like this happens to you, Jill!”

“Sorry.”

“No, don’t apologize.  How’d it happen?”

“This place is way too crowded.  Me and Paris were tryin’ to get through the crowd, and I guess he moved his arm, and his elbow got me right in the eye.”

“Did he apologize?”

“Of course he did, Randy.”

“Good.”

“I told him that you and me would probably catch up with him later.”

“Why?”

“Because it’ll be fun.  His friends are here, too.”

“You actually wanna stay here with a swollen eye?  Don’t you think we should get you some ice for that?”

“I guess so.  Can’t we just get it from the bar?

Randy and I sat at the bar, and he had the bartender give me a little plastic bag with ice in it. 

“I still can’t believe this happened, Jillian.”  He was holding the bag of ice over my eye for me.  “You’re like a character in a sitcom.  Lucille Ball comes to mind.”

“That’s not funny.”

“The truth is never funny.”

“Shut-up.”

Suddenly someone was interfering in our conversation.

“Hey, is that feelin’ better?”

I turned my head away from Randy.

“It’s fine, Em.  Thanks.”

“Call me Marshall.”

“Thanks for your concern, Marshall.”

“No problem.” He winked at me, and looked at Randy.  “How ya doin’ man?”

They shook hands.  “Pretty good.”

“I saw your last movie, Randy.  I really liked it.”

“Thanks, man.  I’m glad to hear that.”

The three of us talked for about an hour.  We probably would’ve talked more, but Randy noticed my eye getting darker and decided that it was time to go.

“I’m gonna go to the bathroom, and then we’re getting out of here.”

“Alright.”

Marshall waited until Randy was no longer in sight and then started talking again.

“So, how long you gonna be in L.A.?”

“Two more days.  Then we’re going back to Michigan.”

“You live there?”

“Yeah.  We live in Sterling Heights.  So, how long you gonna be in L.A.?”

“Four more days.  I’m just finishin’ up some business with my record label.”

“Randy just got through shooting a movie, and I was filming another video.”

“You excited to go back home?”

“You bet your ass I am!”

He laughed at me.

“Look, I know you’re about to go, so is it ok if I give you my number?  Your boyfriend won’t mind, will he?”

“No, he won’t mind.”

Chapter 2


So, I bet you're wondering if I ever called Eminem, huh?  Well, you're going to find out, but not right away.  I mean, here I am letting you pry into my love life, and you don't know the first thing about me!  So, here it goes:

Jillian Theresa Bauer is my full name, and I was born and raised in Detroit, Michigan.  My father is a full-blooded Cuban, and my mother is half Italian/half Black.  If you think that makes for an interesting mix then you're absolutely right.  If you want to know where my celebrity status came from then I'll be glad to tell you.  My mom started teaching me the piano when I was three-years-old, by the time I was fourteen I was writing my own lyrics and composing my own songs.  That same year I started taking voice lessons, and when I was nineteen I signed my first record deal. 

How did I meet Randy?  I was just fixing to tell you that.  Believe it or not, Randy and I grew up together.  I know what you're thinking, what are the odds of two people who live next door to each other falling in love and growing up to be celebrities?  It's a little farfetched, but nonetheless it is true.

Randy and his family moved in next door to mine when he was ten and I was seven.  He's originally from St. Louis.  Why'd he move to Detroit?  Honestly, I don't know.  I just know that I'm glad that he did.  Randy was involved in a lot of school plays and was the standout member of his high school drama club.  He was also on the wrestling team, but that's another story!  Anyhow, he went back to St. Louis when he was eighteen to attend college.  Three years later, he came back to visit me on my eighteenth birthday and sparks flew.  I don't think I should really tell you what happened that day, though.  I'm sure you can figure it out for yourselves.  And yes, it did hurt like hell!  Anyways, he finished out college around the time that I got my record deal.  He came back to Michigan, and I invited him out to L.A. with my parents and myself.  As luck would have it (and believe me, luck is always on Randy's side) a talent agent saw him and thought that he was perfect for some movie he was trying to cast.  So, another two years later, and I've got a multi-platinum album, and Randy is taking Hollywood on by storm!

Anyway, back to the good stuff...

Did I call, Em?  No.  But don't give up on me yet! 

See, a week had passed since that fateful night.  Randy and I were back home and getting prepared for a charity event that was being held in Downtown Detroit.  Now, I think giving money to charity is great.  However, I don’t see the need to get all dressed up and go to some uptight dinner party.  I hate those almost as much as I hate loud Hollywood shindigs.

I was sitting on the couch in my black dinner dress waiting for Randy to come out of the bathroom.  He’s worse than a fucking woman sometimes.  Just as I was getting impatient, he came walking out.

“You ready to go?”

“Duh!  I’ve been waiting for you for the past half hour!”

“Sorry.  You think you could fix my tie for me?”

I got up, walked over to him, and stood on my tiptoes a little.  If I were wearing shoes, I probably wouldn’t have had to do that.

“You’re rushing me and you don’t even have shoes on!?!”

“That only takes a second.”

He rolled his eyes at me and chose not to say anything else.

I still can’t believe that he’s 6’ 4” tall.  Luckily for me I’m not a very short person.  5’ 8” to be exact.

“Ok.  You’re all set.  Just let me grab my shoes.”

“Aren’t you forgetting something?”

“Like what?”

“Your eye.  The bruising is still visible.  Put some make-up or something on that.”

You guys wanna know something?  I don’t wear make-up outside of videos and photo shoots.  The only thing I have that’s even close to make-up is Chapstick!

“Um, Randy, I don’t wear make-up, remember?”

“Jillian, the least you could do is keep some tucked away for special occasions.”

“But I don’t like the way it feels on my face...”

“Alright, fine.  If we wanna get there on time we’re gonna have to leave right now.  I’m gonna have to stop at a drugstore.”

Normally, I would have protested.  But, I guess I could understand him not wanting me at a charity even with a black eye.

An hour later, we arrived fashionably late.  We weren’t the last ones to get there, but we certainly weren’t the first.

We sat at a table with Kwame Kilpatrick (the mayor of Detroit) and a few city council members.  Incase you’re wondering, this little dinner was for the benefit of inner-city youth.

I was bored out of my mind for most of the night.  Maybe it was because I never left my seat?  Yeah, that was probably it.  Did Randy leave his seat?  Of course he did.  I saw him talking to a few girls.  Did it bother me?  No, not at all.  As long as I can remember he’s been a hit with the ladies.  So, it doesn’t get to me.

I felt someone tap my shoulder, so I stopped stabbing my plate with my fork and turned around.

“Hi!”

“What’s up?  You never called.”

“I know.  I haven’t had a chance yet.  But believe me, I was going to.”

“I believe you.”  He looked at the empty seat next to me.  “Mind if I sit here?”

“Be my guest.”  I noticed his attire.  "You look good in a suit."

"Thanks.  Your dress is nice."

"Thank you."

“You're welcome.  So, where’s Randy?”

“He’s around here somewhere...getting a little love from the ladies.”

“You say that like it doesn’t bother you.”

“It doesn’t.  He’s been like that since we were kids.”

“You’ve known him that long?”

“Yep.  Fourteen years.”

He appeared to be interested, so I told him pretty much everything else about myself.  Then he told me about his daughter and his situation with his ex-wife, Kim.  Although I admit that I had already heard most of it in his songs, on the news, and in trashy magazines.

“So where were you sitting?  I didn’t see you when Randy and I came in.”

He pointed to a table in a back corner of the room.  “Right there.”

“Oh.  No wonder I didn’t see you.  You like to stay hidden?”

“Not all the time.  It was Proof’s idea to sit back there.”

“Proof is here?”

“Yeah, the whole crew is here.”

“You wanna introduce me?”

“If you really want me to.”

We were walking around, but didn’t see any of the guys.

“They’re probably outside smokin’.”  I laughed a little, and then he changed the subject. 

“So, I see that your eye cleared up.”

“Actually, it didn’t.  I’m wearing make-up over it.”

“Oh.  Well, it works good.”

“Yeah.  At first I wasn’t going to put anything on it, mainly because I don’t wear make-up outside of a ‘Hollywood’ setting.  But, Randy insisted that I should get something to put over it.  So, we stopped at CVS on the way here.”

I could sense that he was going to say something, but then Randy came running up with a glass of champagne.

“Jillian, baby!”  He started hugging me and kissing all over my face.  “You having fun?”

“Yes, sweetie.  I’m having lots of fun.”

“Great.  I didn’t mean to leave you alone for so long.”

“That’s ok.  I’ve got someone to talk to.”

He finally noticed Marshall, and he greeted him by shaking his hand.

“You’re not tryin’ to steal her from me, are you?”  Somehow it seemed like he was only half-kidding.

“’Course not.”

Well, I don’t know how they felt, but I found the situation to be somewhat awkward.

“You wanna try some of this, Jill?”  Randy held his champagne glass in front of me.

“Ok.”  I took a small sip.

“That’s my girl!”  He kissed my forehead.  “I’ll be back in a minute.”

He was gone before I could even say anything.

Marshall laughed.  “He drunk?”

“No, he’s just goofy sometimes.”

“How do you tell the difference?”

Before I could open my mouth, I was being interrupted.

“Yo, Em!  Where you been?”

Every single member of D-12 was walking in our direction.

“Where you guys been?”

They all looked at each other.  “Outside.”  I laughed at the fact that they said it in unison.

I couldn’t help but notice the look of curiosity on their faces.

Proof was the one to step up and ask the burning question.  “Who ya got here, Em?”

“This is Jillian Bauer.”

“The singer?”

“Yeah.”

They all looked at me, and once again Proof was the one to do the talking.  “Damn, baby!  You look *a lot* better in person!”

I just thanked him and chose not to comment on it any further.

I ended up talking with them all for quite a while, but they started to claim that the building was “too stuffy” so they all went back outside.

“I like your friends, Marshall.  They’re nice.”

“Yeah, they’re decent guys.”

Randy was walking towards us again.  I noticed that he was waving the car keys around.  I couldn't help but laugh.

"Randall, what are you doing?"

"Get your cute ass in the car, Jillian!  It's time to go!"

"I'll be there in a minute.  You go ahead."  He smacked me on the ass and made his way to the exit.  Then, I turned my attention to Marshall.  "Isn't he just the sweetest?"  I said in my best sarcastic tone.

He laughed.

"Well, I guess I should be leaving."

"You gonna call me?"

"No, you're gonna call me.  You got a cell with you?"

He pulled his phone out of his pocket and I gave him my cell phone number.

"See ya later, Jill."

"See ya, Marshall."

Chapter 3


You're probably figuring that Marshall called me, aren't you?  Well, I've got some shocking news for you.  He didn't.  Truth be told, I called him instead.  You wanna know why I called him?  Good, 'cause you're about to find out.

Now don't jump too far ahead.  I don't want you to assume that Randy and I had a fight.  Hell, Randy and I never fight.  Well, maybe sometimes, but it's never serious.  Anyways, I'm sure you want me to get to the point, so...

Another week had went by since the charity event, and Randy and I hadn't really gone anywhere since then.  You should've seen him.  He was practically itching to get out of the house.  I kept telling him that it was ok for him to go out, but he said that he didn't wanna go if I wasn't gonna go with him.

"Can we go somewhere if you pick the place, Jill?"  He plopped down beside me on the couch and gave me this silly little puppy-dog look.  "Please?"

"You're pitiful, Ran-Ran."  Yeah, that's right.  I call him Ran-Ran sometimes.  Don't laugh.

"Could you just answer my question, Jilly-Jill?"  Ugh, I hate it when he calls me that.

“I just wanna relax.”

“Well, I’m just gonna have to go somewhere without you.”

“I’ve been telling you to do that all week!”

“Why are you yelling?”

“Because you’re making it seem like I’ve been begging you to stay home!  I don’t care if you go out Randy!”

“Ok, I’m sorry.  Jesus Christ, just calm down a little.”

I took a deep breath.  “So, are you leaving right now?”  I only asked because he got up and grabbed his car keys. 

“Yeah, I don’t wanna stay out too late.  I know you hate being home by yourself.”  He was certainly right about that.

“Do you know where you’re going yet?”

“No, but I’ll call you when I get there.”

“Works for me.”

He walked to the front door, opened it, and then turned back around.

“Come here, Jillian.”

I walked over to him and just stood there.  I didn’t really know what to expect.

He put his hand on my face and said, “You’re so cute, Jill.  I love you to death.”  All right, I definitely wasn’t expecting that!

“I love you, too.”

“Good.  Now get your shoes on, you’re coming with me.”

I punched him in the chest.  “I don’t think so jackass!”

He was laughing and rubbing his chest at the same time.  “Shit, that hurt!  You gotta admit it was pretty funny though, baby!

I rolled my eyes.  “Remind me to never have sex with you again.”

The laughter suddenly stopped and he gave me a quick kiss on the cheek.  “I’ll be back soon.”

Just to let you know, Randy did call me when he got to his destination.

10:30 rolled around and the silence in the house was really starting to get to me.  I like it when it’s quiet, but it was just *too* quiet.  I picked up my cell phone and hesitated...for about two seconds!  I dialed Em’s number and he picked up on the third ring.

“Yeah?”

“Hi, Marshall.”

“Hey, Jill.  I knew you were gonna end up callin‘ me.”

“How’d you know it was me?”

“I don’t know anybody else that sounds like you.”

That was a good enough explanation for me.  I also would’ve accepted, “I have caller ID.”  That would’ve been another great explanation.

“Oh...so...um...you doing anything tonight?”

“Nah.  You?”

I laughed.  “No.  Randy finally went somewhere without me.”

“Has that ever happened?  Or is this the first time?”

“It’s the first time in about three years.”

“Seriously?”

“Yeah.”

“So how long has he been gone?”

“Since nine o’clock.”

“What time will he be back?”

“No later than two.  Why?”

“Just curious.  If it were a little earlier I’d probably stop by your house.”

“You don’t know where I live.”

“But you would tell me, wouldn’t you?”

“I’m pretty sure that I would.  Having you over for a visit wouldn‘t be so bad.”

Now, before I go any further, I wanna make a few things clear.  At this point, I’ve only talked to Em three times.  Why on Earth am I telling him that it would be fine for him to come to my house?  Shit, I don’t fuckin’ know.  It’s just so easy to go along with whatever he says.  He’s so charming, it’s ridiculous.  You are sensing this, right?  God, how could you not be sensing this?

“Randy probably wouldn’t like it too much though, huh?”

“Probably not, but I’m sure he would get over it.”

“Could you do me a favor, Jill?”

“It depends on what it is.”

“The next time Randy leaves, I want you to invite me over.”

“That’s not asking too much.”

Chapter 4


"Another Day, Another Party!"  I think that could very well be the story of my life.  If you know me well enough by now then you know that that isn't exactly a good thing.  Still, I was really looking forward to this particular little gathering.  Why?  Well, having my good buddy Paris Hilton in Michigan isn't exactly an everyday thing.  Paris was in town to celebrate the opening of the newest Hilton Hotel and of course she had to invite me.  Where would the party take place?  At the Hilton!  Yep, Paris decided to throw a huge party there before the official opening.  I didn't know who else was going to be there considering the fact that not too many celebrities live in or around Detroit.  And if you know Paris, then you know that only people with a lot of fame and a lot of money will be there!

After an hour of waiting for Randy to get ready we finally got in the car.  As you’ll soon find out, a car ride with Randy always makes for a not-so-fun time.


"I bet you're really excited about the amateur porn queen having this little party, huh?"

"Don't say that about her, Randy."

"Why in the hell not?  It's the fucking truth."

"If you have such a distaste for her, then why are you going?"

"You think I would let you go by yourself?"

"Believe me, I wish you would."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"Nothing.  Never mind."

“You know I’m only looking out for you, Jillian.  I want you to make good decisions.”

I just nodded my head.  Did I really believe that?  In some ways I did and in some ways I didn’t.

“Are you listening to me, Jill?”

I nodded again.

“Jillian?”

“Yes, Randall.”  I said, calmly.  “I’m listening to you.”

We sat in silence for a few minutes, and then my cell phone rang.  I got it out of my purse and answered it right away.

“Hello?”

“Hey, Jill.  It’s Marshall.”

I hadn’t spoken to him in nearly three weeks.

“Hi.”

“I’m at Paris’ party, and I was just wonderin’ if you were comin’.  I asked her, but she refused to tell me.”

I don’t know why she just didn’t tell him.

“I’m on my way there right now.”

“Good.  I guess I’ll just see you when you get here.”

“Ok, bye.”

I hung up the phone, and put it away without saying anything.  Randy glanced at me and then back at the road.

“Was that Paris?”

“Yeah.  That was Paris.”

Again, there was nothing but silence.  I figured if I wanted to remain in a good mood I just wouldn’t say anything else.  Sitting there without hearing a sound never felt so good. 

Randy handed the keys over to the valet parking attendant, and we proceeded to walk into the hotel.  When we got in the lobby he stopped to look me over.  He was combing my hair with his fingers and taking the time to straighten out my skirt.

“Would you stop that?”

“Just hold on.  I’m almost finished.”

“This is so fucking stupid.” 

“Watch your mouth, Jillian."

The last thing I wanted was an argument, so I just shut my mouth completely.

He finished critiquing me, and then we continued up to the front desk.  The person there directed us to the presidential suite on the top floor.  There were quite a few people at the party.  Paris had flown in some of her friends from L.A. and two other people I spotted were Paris’ sister, Nikki, and her best friend, Nicole Richie.  I saw Em and D-12 sitting on a huge sofa, and I gotta admit that I smiled to myself.  I was a little surprised to see 50 Cent and G-Unit, but I’ll explain the reason for them being there a little bit later.

Paris saw Randy and I walking in and she slowly walked over to his.  Trust me, if you were wearing her shoes you’d be taking your time, too.  We did that stupid little Hollywood kiss.  Ya know the one where you pucker up and pretend to kiss both sides of the face?

“I’m so glad to see you, Jill!  You’re gonna have so much fun!”  She managed to look over in Marshall’s direction, and then she gave me this cheesy little wink.  Thank God that Randy didn’t notice it.

“I’m sure that I will, Paris.” 

“Well, don’t just stand there.  Get your butt in here!”  She grabbed me by the arm and nearly yanked it out of the socket.

“Ok, ok, ok!”

Randy followed close behind me and it seemed a little weird.  I was so used to him taking off and doing his own thing, but he was clinging to me like we were joined at the hip.  He had his arm wrapped around me so that it was resting low on my waist.

“You feelin’ alright, Randy?”

“Yeah.  Why wouldn’t I be?”

I shrugged my shoulders.  “I don’t know.”

I took the time to look around the room and I was amazed.  It was practically bigger than the house I grew up in, and my house was a decent size.  I guess I should’ve known better than to expect anything less from a presidential suite at a Hilton Hotel.

Randy’s voice interrupted my thoughts.  “You want somethin’ to drink, baby?” He asked as he pointed over at the bar.

“No, I’d better not.”

“Ok.”  He took his arm from around me.  “I’m gonna go grab somethin’ for myself.”

I smiled at him.  “Don’t go crazy.”

He waved me off as if he didn’t know what I was talking about.

I looked back at the huge sofa and I got a little nervous when I saw Marshall get up and start walking toward me.

“You look good, Jillian.”

“Thanks, so do you.”

“So, Randy hasn’t been anywhere without you lately?”

I giggled. “No.  I guess once was enough for him.”

“That why you didn’t invite me over?”

Shit, I had forgotten all about that.

“I guess so.”  I shifted my eyes to take a look at the bar and I saw Randy drinking something and talking to one of Paris’ friends.  Without hesitation, I looked back at Marshall.

“You were probably just sayin’ that.  You would never really let me come over your house.”

He said it like he didn’t really believe it.  It was more like he was challenging me.

“What makes you say that?”

“I can’t picture you being that brave.”  He grinned.

“Inviting you over takes bravery?”

“Yeah, at least when it comes to a girl like yourself.”

“What kind of girl am I?”

I was anxious to hear the answer, but loud voices, laughter, and music suddenly distracted us.  I swear the party wasn’t that wild when I got there.  I looked to see who started this, and it was none other than 50 Cent.  He was laughing as he made his way over to Em and myself.

“Yo!  You must be Jillian!  Let me tell ya, sweetheart.  I’ve seen you on T.V. and you look *a lot* better in person!” 

Don’t ask me why everyone has to say that to me.

“Um, thanks.  So, what are you doing here?  I figured you’d be in New York.”

“Me and the fellas are here to work wit Em on our new album.”

“Oh, I see.  What made you come to Paris’ party?”

“She caught word that we were gonna be in town, and her people got in touch wit us.  You know socialites always know what’s goin’ down.”

I never thought I’d hear 50 Cent use a word like ‘socialite’.  I guess you can never judge a book by its’ cover.

He opened his mouth, but Marshall cut him off before he could speak.

“Curtis, can I please finish talkin’ to her?”

“My bad.  I guess I’ll just excuse myself.”

He spun around dramatically and pretended to be upset as he walked away.

“You still wanna know what kinda girl you are?”

“The suspense is killing me...”

“You’re the kinda girl that-”

“JILLIAN!!!”

Damn it, he always does this to me!

“Sorry, Marshall.  I’ll be back in a second.”  He looked a little disappointed, but I walked over to the bar anyway.  “What, Randy?”

He positioned the barstool a little, and patted his knee.  “Sit with me.”

I sat on his lap and poured myself a drink.  I knew I was gonna need it.

About an hour passed, and I was still sitting on Randy’s lap and downing drink after drink.  Randy was touching and kissing all over me, and normally I hate doing stuff like that in public, but this time I was too wasted to care.  Was he wasted, too?  Nope.

“Get up, Jillian.”

I hopped off his lap and nearly fell.  He grabbed me, picked me up, and put me over his shoulder.  He carried me through the party until we got to the bathroom.  He put me back on my feet and I just stared at him with blurry vision.

“Where are we going?”

“We’re going to the bathroom.”

“Together?  Why?”  I asked with a drunken giggle.

“You know why.”

I had it figured out right away.  “I don’t wanna fuck you in a hotel bathroom.”

“You’re drunk, Jill.  You don’t know what you want.”

He opened the door to the bathroom and lifted me up again.  “Put me down, Randy!  I’m serious!”

He put me down again and I just started screaming at him.  “How could you tell me that I don’t know what I want, Randy!?!  I may be a little drunk right now, but I know what I do and don’t wanna do!”  As you can see, I tend to get overly emotional when I drink.  That’s why I try to stay away from alcohol.  “I know I’m your girlfriend, but it doesn’t mean you can just fuck me whenever you damn well please!”

“Jillian...”

“Fuck you, Randy!”  I pushed past him, went in the bathroom, and shut the door.

I sat down on the floor and just started crying.  It really sucked, too, because I absolutely hate crying!  It’s like one of the worst things in the world for me.

I heard some light knocking on the other side of the door, and I shouted, “Go away, Randy!”

“It’s Marshall.”

I opened the door and backed away as he walked in and shut the door behind him.

Chapter 5


I made sure that the lid on the toilet was down and I took a seat.  Marshall stood in front of me for a few seconds and then kneeled down so that we could be on the same level.

“You really don’t hold liquor well, huh?”

I managed to choke out a laugh. “No.”

The room was quiet as we both struggled to find something to say.

“If he ever said he liked my shoes I would keep them on all day.”

“What?”

“If Randy liked my shoes I would keep them on.  I like the idea of him being satisfied.”

“What about you?”

“What about me?”

“If you liked his shoes would he keep them on all day?”

I thought about it for what felt like an eternity and then I answered by shrugging my shoulders.  “The hell if I know.”  I changed the subject quickly, “Did Randy leave?  Did he see you come in here?  Did anybody see you come in here?”

“The answer to all three of those questions is no.”

I tried to get up but Marshall put his hands on my shoulders and forced me back down.

"What are you doing?"

"Don't go anywhere.  Just stay in here for a little while."

"Why?"

"'Cause I want you to."

Did I think that was a good enough reason?  Sure. 

"I'll do whatever you want if you can make this headache go away."

Ok, maybe that wasn't the best choice of words.

"That sounds nice, but I think your douche bag boyfriend wouldn't like that very much.  According to him, he's the only one that can take advantage of you when you're drunk and can't even stand up straight."

"I...”

“How do you do it, Jillian?”

“Do what?”

“Put up with him.”

“It’s not as hard as it seems.”

“Why not?  Because you’re used to him?  Because you’ve known him since you were a little girl?  Because it’s convenient?”

“Marshall...”

“Fuck that, Jillian!”

I put my hand over my forehead.  “Please don’t yell.  I can’t take it.”

“I’m sorry.”  I was a little startled when he wrapped his arms around me, but I managed to settle into his embrace and rest my head on his shoulder.

“Why are you so concerned for me, Marshall?  You don't even know me.”

"But I'll know you eventually.  Right?"

"If you really want..."

"Just say yes."

"Ok, yes."

Truthfully, I didn't know what he was expecting to gain from knowing me, but if he wanted to really get to know me then that was fine.  I don't have a problem with making new friends.  I was just hoping that all he wanted to be was my friend.

Now I'm pretty sure I know what you want.  You want me to leave Randy, right?  Just dump him on the spot?  Well, it may appear to be the right thing, or even the easiest thing to do, but from my perspective it isn't.  How long has it been since I met Em at this point?  A month and a half?  How many times had I talked to him? 4?  Yeah, that sounds about right.  You gotta understand my situation.  I've known Randy since I was 7-years-old, he's practically family.  You don't just walk out on your family...

"Em?"

"Yeah?"

"I can't leave him."

"Then don't.  That's not gonna stop me."

"Stop you from what?"

"I'd show you if you weren't so fucked up right now."

I didn't utter a single word.  When you don't know what to say it' s best to stay silent.  The last thing you want is to fuck up and make the situation more awkward than it already is.

"It's ok, Jill.  You don't have to say anything.  I don't need you to."

Well, I certainly felt relieved.  If there's one thing that I'm not an expert on, it's communication.  The best way I verbalize is through my music.  I can write ten songs a day, but I couldn't tell you how I feel during a normal conversation to save my life. 

Anyways...

Can you believe that we had been hugging the whole entire time?  Frankly, I saw it as something that I could easily get used to.

I heard a voice coming from outside.  “Jillian?”

Yeah, you guessed it.  Randy was back to get me.

"Come on out of there, baby."

I whispered in Marshall's ear.  "I'm gonna call you in a few days."

He moved out of the way so I could get up and we stood together.  I hesitated before figuring that it wouldn't do any harm and gave him a quick kiss on the lips.

When I opened the door, I opened it just enough so that I could stick my head out.  Randy was standing there like a statue.

"I wanna take you home, Jill."

I made my way out of the bathroom carefully and shut the door.  I didn't wanna take the chance of him seeing Marshall.

We were staring at each other before Randy finally decided to speak up.  "You're not mad at me, are you?"

I shook my head, and he opened his arms up to me.  Without even thinking, I fell right into him.  He was squeezing me as tight as he could and I couldn't have been more forgiving at that point.  I wrapped my arms around his neck, hoisted myself up, and wrapped my legs around him.  I buried my face in the crook of his neck and relaxed myself completely.

"Shit.  I love you, Jill."

"I think I love you more, Randy."

He carried me through the party, but this time it was to say goodbye to Paris.

"Aw, Jill.  I don't want you to leave."

I laughed.  "Paris I haven't seen you since I came in the door.  It's not like we were having a great time together."

"Oh, yeah.  I guess you're right.  Next time we'll totally part together.  I swear."

"Ok, Paris.  I'll see you soon."

I waved at her, and Randy headed back to the door still carrying me.

"You're gonna have one hell of a hangover, Jill."

"Ugh, don't remind me."  My head was still pounding and I felt a little dizzy, but as long as I still knew what I was saying I would be fine.  "Just try not to walk too fast, I think I might puke if you do."

The ride home was quiet, which was an excellent thing for my headache.  There was a little chitchat here and there, but nothing more.  I ended up falling asleep about 20 minutes before we got home.  When we got there Randy carried me into the house and I woke-up before he could put me down.

"Go back to sleep."  He sat down on the couch with me still in his arms.

So, by now I think you figured out that Randy goes through extreme personality changes.  One minute he's a jerk, the next minute he's like the sweetest guy on the planet.

Randy may have been acting rather nicely, but if you think I forgot about Marshall you're wrong.

Chapter 6


I called Marshall just like I said I would, but as my luck would have it he didn’t pick up the phone.  I left a message on his voicemail, but it took him a while to get back to me.

In the meantime...

“Jillian!”

Yep, here we go again...

“What, Randall?!”

He was staring out of our living room window.

“What the fuck is your mother doing here?!”

I came running out of the kitchen.

“My mom is here?”

“Yeah.  Her and your crazy ass dad!”

“I thought you liked my parents...”  I was only joking, though. 

“As long as they don’t talk they’re the two greatest people on the planet.”

He saw them getting out of their car and got away from the window as quick as he could.

“I’m going to bed.”

“It 3 o’clock in the afternoon!”

“So?”

“So, stop being an ass.  A visit from my parents isn't going to be that bad.”

The doorbell rang and Randy ran up the stairs.

“Fine!”  I yelled. “Be that way!”

I opened the door and greeted them enthusiastically.

“Hi!  What are you guys doing here?”

 Mom pinched my cheek.  “Well, you don’t come to see us, so we figured that we would come and see you.”

They both hugged me and made their way into the house.  Dad's eyes were roaming all over the place.

"Where's my future son-in-law?"

"Dad, stop calling him that.  I don't think we'll ever get married."

"You're just gonna live in sin for the rest of your life?"

"Dad..."

My mother stepped into the conversation.  "Leave her alone, Manny.  No one ever said that they were gonna be together forever."

I think I was a little offended by that.

"Then why have they been living together for the past two years, Olivia?"

"Dad, I'm standing right in front of you.  Why are you asking Mom?"

Randy must've heard the commotion, because he came back down the stairs.

"Mr. and Mrs. Bauer!  It's so good to see you!"

He shook my fathers' hand and gave my mother a kiss on the cheek.  I had to laugh to myself, there's a reason why Randy's an actor.

We filed into the dining room and sat at the table.

"Enough small talk."  My father said. "When are you gonna marry my daughter?"

Randy was clearly caught off-guard.  "Um..."

I figured I'd better save his ass.  "Leave him alone, Dad.  I'm not pressuring him, so why are you?"

Daddy had that look on his face, and I could tell that his trademark Cuban temper was about to come out.

"Mr. Bauer, why don't we go out for a little while?  I need to talk to you about a few things."

The weight of the world was lifted off my shoulders when my dad agreed to go with Randy.

"I'm gonna spend some time with your dad, Jill."

They said goodbye to my mother and I and headed out the front door.

"What's with Dad?"

"I think you know the answer to that, Jillian."

Honestly, I didn't know the answer.  My mother caught on to my confusion, and offered an explanation.

"You know that your father feels a certain way about certain things, sweetheart."

Why can't this woman give me a straight answer? 

"Let's just say that he wanted you to wear white on your wedding day."

"Are you serious?"

"Deep down all fathers want that for their daughters.  I think he resents Randy for taking your innocence.  Now, he wants him to marry you."

I rolled my eyes.  "He never said anything to me before.  I mean, he never tried to instill any type of morals in me.  At least not when it came to sex.  Besides, I waited until I was 18.  I think I held out for a good amount of time."

"Yeah, but it could've been a little more romantic, Jillian."

"How do you know that it wasn't?"

She laughed.  "Jill, he pulled you away from your friends and family on your birthday and took you in the bathroom!  There's nothing romantic about that."

"How did you find out?"

"You guys didn't clean up after yourselves.  There was semen smeared all over the wall!"

Did she say what I think she said?

"Ew!  Mom!  That's disgusting!"  I buried my face in my hands to hide the blushing.

"I'm not the one that did it, Jillian!"

"Ok!  Just...Oh my God!  You're kidding, right?  How could it get on the wall?"

"You tell me.  I wasn't in there."

I completely ignored the last thing she said.

"So, you guys came over to get Randy to marry me?"

"That's why your father came, I came to show you something."

"What is it?"

"I'll be right back."

She went outside and came back with a rolled up newspaper.

"Have you read this weeks 'National Enquirer'?"

"You know I don't read that shit."

"You should.  After all, you are on the cover."

Mom sat back down, unrolled the paper, and handed it to me.

"According to this you and Randall are in trouble."

I looked at the headline and the picture and laughed.

There was a picture of Marshall and me from my 21st birthday.  It looked like it was taken while he was checking my eye, and the headline read: "Trouble in Paradise for Jillian Bauer and Randall Helmsley as Jillian is Seen Canoodling with Eminem!"

"Mom, this is the dumbest shit I've ever read!  Has Dad seen it?"

She shook her head.  "You don't have to get upset, Jillian.  Eminem is a good-looking guy!  I'd date him!"

I laughed.  "I'm sure you would."

"So, what's going on in this picture anyways?"

"I was walking through the party with Paris-"

"Paris Hilton?"

"Yes, Mom."

"Sorry, go ahead."

"Ironically, we were looking for Marshall-"

"You call him Marshall?"

"Yes!  Now can I please finish without being interrupted?  So, the place was really crowded, so we were kinda ducking our way through, and his elbow nailed me right in the eye."

"That's it?"

"Basically.  I've seen Em a few times since then, but Ran-Ran is with me every single time.  I couldn't cheat on him to save the world.  This is why I can't stand the fuckin' paparazzi and the bullshit tabloids!"

"Jillian, why were you looking for Eminem in the first place?

"Huh?  Shit, I don't know.  Paris thinks that I have a crush on him, and she knew he was there that night, so she dragged me around looking for him."

"Hmmm..."

"What is that supposed to mean?"

"You do like him!"

"What?  How do you figure?"

"Your face lights up when you mention him."

I had no idea what she was talking about.

"No it doesn't!"

We talked for a couple of hours, and then Randy came back with my dad.
 
"Where did you go?"

"I'll tell you later."  Randy said.

"Come on, Olivia." My dad said to my mom.  "I think we'd better go."

We said our goodbyes and I told my parents I would call them the next day.

Randy and I sat in the living room and flipped on the television.

"So, did my dad give you a hard time?"

"When does your dad not give me a hard time?"

"What did he say?"

"He told me congratulations."

"Congratulations on what?"

"I'm gonna be a great husband."

"What makes him think that we're getting married?"

"I told him that I was gonna propose."

"Why?"

"So he would get off my fuckin' back!  Every time I talk to that asshole it's 'When are you gonna marry Jillian?  Don't fuck my daughter if you're not gonna put a ring on her finger.'  I can't stand listening to that shit!"

I started laughing.

"This shit ain't funny, Jillian!"

"I can‘t believe he still says that kinda stuff to you."

"Neither can I."

"Well, what are you gonna do when my dad asks to see a ring, or wants to know a wedding date?"

"I'll buy you a ring, and then we'll just say we're having a long engagement until we really decide to get married."

I thought that he didn't wanna get married at all, but I certainly wasn't going to question what he just said.

"Where did you guys end up going?"

"Jewelry store.  I had to make the shit believable."

"Nice.  So, is that why my dad told my mom that they'd better go?  He thinks you were gonna propose to me tonight?"

"That sums it up."

He heard his phone ringing in the other room and got up.  "I'll be back."

Ten minutes later, he was opening the closet and pulling out his suitcase.

"Going somewhere?"

"Yeah.  New York."

"Can I ask why?"

"My manager just called.  I'm going to do a couple of photo shoots, and then I'm gonna be on 'Late Night with Conan O'Brien'."

"Do I have to come with you?"

"I'm only gonna be gone for 3 days.  I guess it's up to you."

"Are you leaving right now?"

"In the morning."

"I think I'll stay behind.  It'll give you a chance to shop for a ring."

"Yeah, right."

He packed his bags and was in bed by 9 o'clock.  I can't go to bed that early, though.  My body won't allow me to.  I knew I was gonna be dead tired when I woke up, 'cause I was gonna have to drop him off at the airport.

"I'm bored."  Yep, you know it's bad when you start talking to yourself.

It was 11 o'clock and there was nothing on TV.  Well, except for a rerun of 'The Simpsons'.  I love that show.  Damn, I really should be more active.  I rely on television entirely too much.

What ever happened to the art of conversation?  Well, never mind.  It doesn't do any good when you only have yourself to talk to.

"I could call Em again.  Maybe he'll actually pick up the phone this time.  But first, stop talking to yourself, Jillian.  It's not good for you.  The last thing you want is for the paparazzi to snap a picture of you talking to yourself while you're walking down the street."

I know that I'm weird.  You don't have to say anything.  Anyways, calling Marshall did seem like a good idea, so I went ahead and did it.

"Yeah?"

"Hi, Marshall."

"Hey, I got your voicemail, but I've been so busy.  I was gonna call back as soon as I got a chance."

"Oh, that's good to hear.  I thought you were avoiding me."

He laughed.  "No one in their right mind would avoid you.  Especially if they're of the male species.”

I was grinning from ear to ear.  "So, are you at home?"

"I'm in the studio wit 50."

"Did you want me to call you back?"

"Nah, we're just wrappin' things up.  Where's Randy?"

"Does it matter?"

"Not really, but I guess I'm just curious."

"He's asleep."

"Really?  Did he have a rough day or somethin'?"

"He's gotta catch an early flight to New York in the morning."

"Oh, I see.  I figured he'd be out clubbin' or some shit like that."

"I'm sure he would be if he didn't have something to do."

"What are you gonna do while he's in New York?"

"That depends."

"On what?"

"On you.  Hopefully, you can make some time for me."

He laughed.  "You're not as shy as I thought you were."

"So, can you make time for me or not?"

"As a matter of fact, I can.  I'm havin' everybody over my house tomorrow night, so you can stop by."

"Sounds good.  I wanna get to know you and your friends a little bit better.  You gotta give me some stellar directions though.  I couldn't find my way out of a paper bag without a map."

"That's fine."

I went and got a pen and paper, told him where I lived, and he gave me the best directions he could possibly give me judging by where my house was.

Suddenly, I wanted to know if he saw what my mom showed me.  "Did you see the new 'National Enquirer'?"

"Yeah, Curtis brought it to the studio today.  I can't believe he reads that shit.  It's a pretty interesting headline, though.  Too bad it ain't true."

"It is too bad, huh?"

Um, what was I talking about?  I was gonna get myself in a lot of trouble.

"You think it's too bad?"

"Yeah, I do."

Oh my God...I'm a complete idiot.

"Why is that?"

"I like you."

Chapter 7


A giant wave of guilt hit me head-on, and I quickly ended my conversation with Em.

"Um, I'd better go.  I'll see ya later."

I think I hung up before he could even tell me goodbye. 

You think I'm crazy for feeling guilty?  It figures that you would.  I know you're most likely sick of me delivering the same explanation to you, but I grew up with Randy.  I've been through everything with him.  Of course when we were kids I never thought we would end up living together as a couple.  A three-year age difference seems huge when you're so young.  But, by the time I was 13, I knew that I liked him.  Unfortunately for me, he was 16 and dating, and it was probably one of the worst times of my life.  I obsessed over it constantly.  Back then, Randy kinda looked at me as an annoying little sister, and I looked at him as the man of my dreams. 

I'll never forget when he introduced me to his first real girlfriend.  She certainly wasn't very nice to me.  She knew that I had a massive crush on Randy, so she continuously took cheap shots at me.  Finally, she pissed me off so bad that I balled up my fist and hit her in the nose.  Blood was all over my hand and all over her face, I remember her crying, and Randy yelling and there was just this big ol’ mess.  Then my parents and his both came running outside, and his mom called 911.  I got in so much trouble after they came to realize that I broke the stupid girls nose.  My mom and dad ended up paying the medical expenses, and I got grounded for a week.  Yeah, I know a week isn’t much; I always managed to find a way to get out of punishments.  The girl broke up with Randy the next day, and he vowed to never bring another girl around me again.

Anyways, sorry about that.  I guess I was just feeling a bit nostalgic.

I put my phone on the table, and went upstairs to be with Randy.  He can be pretty loud and a bit obnoxious when he’s awake, so I really appreciate the fact that he doesn’t snore.  I sat down on my side of the bed, thought for a few minutes, and then decided to wake him up.

“Hey, Ran.”  I said, shaking him.  “Get up.”

He was starting to move around, so I turned on the lamp.  He rolled over and squinted his eyes at me.

“If you don’t want me to fuck you, then I don’t wanna hear it.”

I decided not to comment on that.

"You got me a ring today, didn't you?"

"What?"

"Why would my father think you were proposing if you didn't buy the ring?"

"Uh..."

"Ah-ha!  You really did buy it!  Where is it?"

"Why are you so excited?  What time is it?"

I hopped out of the bed, and started searching the room for the ring.

"Jillian, sit down.  It's not like the ring actually means anything.  Well, not for the time being."

"Then why didn't you just give it to me earlier?"

He didn't say anything.

"Randy?"

"Your father got to me.  I think he's right, we should get married."

"Really?"

"Yeah.  Are you surprised?"

"Very surprised."

"I'll give you the ring when I get back from New York."

I got back in bed and turned the light off.

"Randy?"

"Jesus, Jillian!  What do you want?"

"I'm gonna go to a party at Em's house while you're in New York.  You don't mind, do you?"

"Em?  Eminem?"

"Uh, yeah."

"No, I don't mind.  Just make sure his elbow doesn't go anywhere near your eye."

Do you think it's odd that Randy didn't mind?  Honestly, I was expecting him to flip out and make me go to New York with him.  But, I felt like I had to let him know.  If I didn't it would probably eat me up on the inside.  Besides, I can't keep a secret for shit.

Before I knew it, 4 am had rolled around, and Randy was waking me up so he could be to the airport by 6 am.

"Did you really have to get a flight that leaves this early?"

"Yes, now get up."

I complained while I picked out my clothes, I complained while I ironed my clothes, I complained in the shower, and I complained while I put my clothes on.  Then I complained a little more while I blow-dried my hair.  I was grumbling all around the house and Randy was getting angry.  So, can you tell that I'm not a morning person?

"Jillian, do you ever shut-up?"

"What are you talking about?"

"You've been runnin' your mouth ever since you got up.  If you took your ass to bed at night you wouldn't be so damn evil in the morning."

"Whatever.  You ready to go?  I wanna come back home and go to bed."

"I'm sure you do."

The ride to the airport wasn't all that bad.  Randy complained about my driving skills, but other than that it was fine.  Our goodbye was quick and easy.  We hugged and kissed a couple of times, and then he promised that he would call me as soon as he got settled in.

I got home and went right back to bed just as I had planned, and then I got back up at around noon.  The house phone was ringing, so I had to run downstairs to answer it.

"Yeah?"

"I'm all settled in."

"Good.  So, what did you do when you got there?"

"I knocked out a couple of photo shoots.  I don’t have to talk to Conan O’Brien until tomorrow; so I’m just gonna stay in the hotel for the rest of the day.  Just make sure you take your phone with you when you go to Em’s party.  I’m gonna be calling you every five minutes.”

We talked for a few more minutes and then he said something about being hungry and wanting to get lunch, so I just told him that I would talk to him again later.

Darkness fell, and I grabbed my cell phone and the directions to Em's house.

I actually found the place pretty easily.  Then again, it's so fuckin' big.  It's not like I could miss it.  A security guard greeted me at the gate, and I was a little turned off by the fact that I had to show my I.D.  Then he explained that I didn't look like who I said I was, and he just wanted to make sure.  And he ended up using the very popular line, "You look a lot better in person."  Where does everyone get this shit from?

The walk to the front door felt like a lifetime.  When I finally got there, Em seemed a little surprised to see me.

"I didn't think you were comin'."  He said as he let me in the door.

"Why not?"

"You never called back."

"Oh.  Sorry."

"It's alright.  It's good to see you."

"Good to see you, too."

We sat in his living room together, and I took a good look around.  "Where is everyone?"

"You're a little early, Jillian."

"It's 10 o'clock."

"Good parties don't start 'til 11."

"Remind to write that down somewhere."

"With a boyfriend like Randy, you should know that type of shit already."

"You know what I don't get?"

"No.  What?"

"You always bring up Randy when you talk to me.  You don't have to do that."

He looked down at his feet.  "You like my shoes?"

I took a good look at them.  "Yeah."

"I'm gonna keep them on for ya, then.  I like the idea of you being satisfied."

That was really thoughtful.  Don't ya think?

I smiled at him.  "You like my shoes, too?"

He nodded.

"Good.  'Cause I'm pretty sure I like the idea of you being satisfied."

"Yeah?"

"Of course.  You're a good person.  Good people deserve some kind of satisfaction."

"Really?  Then why do you think Randy should be satisfied?"

"What do you mean?"

He gave me one of those 'you know what I'm talkin' about' looks.

"You don't know him, Marshall.  He's not a bad person."

"Maybe not completely, but I still think you deserve better."

"I don't think you know me well enough to make that judgment."

"I like you enough.  Not to mention the fact that you like me, too.  Remember?"

"How could I forget?"

"Look, I'm not gonna lecture you or try to tell you what to do.  But, when you said you wished the tabloid headline was true I got kinda enthusiastic.  I thought maybe you were gettin' sick of him."

"I didn't mean to say that.  I'm not gonna lie, though.  You're fun and easy to talk to, but I'm not sick of Randy, and I said it before but I can't leave him.  You know that.  Hell, I don't wanna leave him."

"Then you remember what I said, too?  Don't leave him, 'cause it's not gonna stop me."

Ya know, if there's one thing I admire it's persistence.

I scooted closer to him, and kissed the tip of his nose.  "You've got the cutest nose I've ever seen."

"Are you gonna tell me that my lips are cute, too?"

"Yeah, but it probably won't be tonight."

Chapter 8


Remember when Randy said that he was gonna call me every five minutes?  Lets just say that he wasn't exaggerating.

Marshall and I were still sitting on the couch, when I got through talking to Randy for the third time.

"I think you should turn your phone off."

"I can't do that, Marshall."

"Why not?"

"I just can't."

"Is he like one of those jealous/possessive types?"

"Nah.  He wouldn't have let me come here if he was."

"You had to ask for permission?"

"Well, I didn't *have* to.  I chose to."

"You *chose* to ask for permission?"

"Do you have a problem with that?"

"I have a problem with the fact that you have a problem."

"I don't have a problem."

"Ok.  Fine.  Sure.  Whatever you say."

His sarcasm pissed me off a little.

"Tell me what my problem is, Marshall.  You seem to know so much.  Go ahead and enlighten me!"

"You don't have to get mad, Jillian."

"I wanna know what my problem is.  It's clear that you know me better than I know myself, so tell me.  Tell me what my problem is."

"Alright, I'll tell you.  You're afraid of change."

"What?"

"You're afraid of change *and* you're afraid of me."

"Afraid of you?  I don't think so!"

"I see you didn't question the part about change."

"What the fuck are you talking about?!"

"It's time to start bein' honest with yourself.  If you were only with Randy for a few months instead of a few years, you would've made your move on me a long time ago.  It's the history that's holdin' you back, not the fact that you love him."

Ok, now I was really upset.  Was it because he was right?  I honestly can't say.

I got up from where I was sitting and stood in front of him while he still sat.

"You're funny, Marshall."

"How am I funny?"

"You're feeding me all this bullshit, but everyone knows that if Kim weren't in jail, you'd be with the bitch right now!"

The look on his face let me know that I had struck a nerve.  He stood up, and I backed away from him a little.

"You don't know Kim."

"And you don't know Randy."

I turned around to walk away, but he grabbed my arm and spun me back around.

"Where ya goin'?"

"Home."

"No, you're not."

"You can't tell me what to do."

"Really?  Why not?  I thought that would make you like me a little more.  I mean, that's why you love Randy so much, right?  'Cause he tells ya what to do?"

I pulled my arm out of the grip that he had on it.

"Shut-up, Marshall."

"Is that all you can think of?  Come on, Jillian.  I thought you were smarter than that."

I looked down at my watch.

"It's 11:30, where are your friends?"

"What?"

"I thought you said they would be here at 11.  It's 11:30, and they're still not here.  Where are they"

"Why are you changing the subject?"

"Because I don't wanna fight with you.  I don't like fighting with anyone."

"Is that why you have trouble stickin' up for yourself with Randy?"

"Could you please stop?"

"I'll stop when you give me some answers."

"Why should I have to answer you?"

"You owe me."

"I don't owe you anything."

"Who was there for you at Paris' party?"

"I don't recall asking for your sympathy."

"But I gave it to you anyway.  The least you could do is answer me."

"You're making him out to be a lot worse than he actually is, Marshall.  I know he can be a bit pushy sometimes, but you make him seem like some sick domestic abuser.

From the looks of things, Marshall was in really deep thought.  I think a light bulb went off in his brain, because the next words spilled out of his mouth.

“You’re nice.”

It took him that long to think of that?  The way he said it sounded a bit juvenile, but...

“I’m nice and Randy’s not?  Is that what your whole beef is?”

“You make it seem simple enough.”

“Look, I know that Randall isn’t the greatest guy, but he’s always been that way.  There’s not a lot I can do.”

He gave me an exasperated look, but loosened up when he heard D12 yelling outside of the front door.    Marshall walked past me to let them in, and I sat back down on the couch.

They were rather loud and talkative when they came in, but it really didn’t bother me.  I was a little startled when Kon plopped down next to me.

“What up, Jill?”

“Nothin’ much.  How ‘bout yourself, Mr. Porter?  You doin‘ alright?”

“Yeah, I’m doin’ just fine.”  He put his hand on my knee.  “You look even better than the last time I saw you.  Must be ‘cause your boyfriend ain’t here.  Some accessories are better left at home”

I laughed at him.  “Is that what you consider him as?  An accessory?”

He was about to say something, but Proof pulled him off the couch.

“Get away from her.  It’s my turn to talk to her.”  He sat down next to me and smiled.  “What up?”

“Um, is it gonna be like this all night?”

“What you mean?”

“You guys aren’t gonna keep taking turn trying to sit next to me, are you?”

“No.  We all know that Em is gonna be sittin’ next to ya for the whole night.”

“Oh, I see.”

My phone started ringing, and I quickly answered it.

“Jillian?”

“Yes, Randall.”

“You ok?”

“I’m fine.”

“It’s good to know that you’re alright, ‘cause I’m losin’ my mind.”

“Why?  What’s wrong?”

“I should’ve brought you with me.  I’m so fuckin’ bored!”

“Well, I’ll definitely go with you next time.”

“Ok, I’ll call you back in a little while.”

I hung up the phone and gave Proof my full attention.

“Sorry, were you gonna say somethin’ else, DeShaun?”

“That your boyfriend on the phone?”

“Yeah.”

“Ya know Em don’t like him?”

“I’m well aware of that.  Where did Marshall go, anyways?”

“He’s in the kitchen gettin’ the beer outta the refrigerator.”

“Does everyone get their own 40 ounce?”

He laughed, but didn’t answer the question.  “I think you should date Em.”

“Why is that?”

“’Cause he likes you.”

“Is that the only reason you can come up with?”

“No.  You like him, too.”

“How do you know that?”

“I can tell by the way you look at him.  Your man gets on your nerves, don’t he?”

“Um...”

Marshall came out of the kitchen cradling beer in his arms, and Proof jumped up to help him carry it.

Well, I was right about everyone getting their own 40-ounce.  They were all drinking, laughing, and watching television.  A “Southpark” rerun was on, and Bizzy laughed so hard that beer shot out of his nose.  Kuniva and Swift were arguing over how many episodes there were where Kenny didn’t get killed.  Proof was fiddling with the stereo system, and Kon had disappeared into the bathroom.

Where was Marshall?  Right where Proof said he would be.  He was quiet, so I decided to break the ice.

“You’re not gonna have a beer?”

“Don’t really want one.”

“Why?”

“I don’t know.  I just don’t.”

“Ok, sorry.”

“Don’t apologize.”

“Well, you were gettin’ kinda testy.  I don’t want you to be pissed.”

Kon came back into the living room with a bit of a worried look.

“Em, your toilet’s broken.”

“What!?”  He stood up really fast.

“I don’t know what happened.  I tried to flush it, and some bad shit started happenin’.”

“That’s ‘cause you took a really bad shit!”  Marshall looked at me and rolled his eyes.  “You think Bizzy would be the one to break the fuckin’ toilet.  I’ll be back in a minute.”

Kon jumped in front of him.  “Don’t go in there man.  It ain’t worth it.  I’ll try to fix it myself.” 

Marshall sat back down, and took a deep breath.

“You ok?”

“I’m just a little frustrated.”

“Why?”

“Your boyfriend’s an asshole and my toilet is broken.”

“I’m sure you have more than one toilet.”

“You’re really doin’ your best to avoid the situation, huh?”

“I guess so.”

“Alright, fine.  I’m gonna avoid it, too.  From now on, in my mind Randy doesn’t even exist.”

Chapter 9


I imagine it was easy for Marshall to pretend that Randy didn't exist.  However, that was pretty much impossible for me.  It's hard to put someone out of your mind when they're calling you every five minutes.

I picked up my phone for the fifth time that night.  Before I could talk, Randy was already saying something.

"What took you so long to answer the phone?"

"It only rang three times."

"You should be able to pick it up on the first ring if you've got it close to you."

I rolled my eyes.

"Randy, what do you want?"

"I was just checkin' on you."

"When you said you would call every five minutes, I didn't think you meant it literally."

"Am I bothering you?"

"Honestly, yes."

"Alright, fine.  I'll just call you before I go to bed."

"That would be perfect."

I hung up the phone and looked at Marshall.

"You've gotta teach me how to do that."

"Do what?"

"Pretend that Randy doesn't exist."

The rest of the night went rather smoothly.  Randy stopped calling, Kon managed to fix the toilet, and everyone just sort of quieted down.  They put me in charge of the remote control, so I flicked to one of the movie channels.  "Goodfellas" was on HBO, and I love Ray Liotta, so that was what we watched for the rest of the night.

I figured that I should probably leave since it was already close to 3 am.  I gave everyone hugs and kisses, and then I made my way out the door with Marshall not far behind me.

"Awwww, you're walking me out!  How sweet!"

Believe it or not, I was genuinely thrilled about him walking me out.  I don't think anyone had ever done anything like that for me before.

We got to my car, and I decided to have a seat on the hood.

"What are you doin'?"

"Talk to me for a minute, Marshall."

"Alright."  He stood in front of me.  "What do you wanna talk about?"

"Surprise me."

He put his hands on my waist, slumped forward, and rested his forehead against mine.

"What are you doing?"

"Didn't you say you wanted to learn how to pretend that Randy doesn't exist?  I'm ready to teach you now."

I giggled.  "Who's Randy?"

I wrapped my arms and legs around him and before I knew it we were totally making out!  Now, I'm not gonna go into complete detail here, 'cause I gotta leave something to the imagination.  I'm not exactly one to kiss and tell, anyways.  I'll just tell you that it was nice.  How's that?  Good?  Good.  Ok?  Ok.

It might've lasted a little longer, but his buddies were shouting out of the front door, so we separated.

"You're amazing, Jillian.  I'll see ya soon, right?"

I kissed him on the cheek.  "Of course you will."

We said our goodbyes and I went home feeling pretty damn good.  I didn't feel too good when I heard my phone ringing at 6 am.

I rolled over, and nearly fell out of the bed.  Finally, my hand came in contact with the phone and I picked it up.

"Hello?" 

"Jillian?"

"Randy?  Do you know what time it is?"

"I know, but I told you I would call before I went to bed."

"You haven't been to bed yet?  What were you doing?"

"My agent took me to some wild ass party."

So, do you think that I was suspicious of Randy?  I was definitely suspicious, but I wasn't angry.  It's like I said a long time ago, when Randy talks to other girls it doesn't bother me.  He's kissed other girls and it hasn't bothered me.  Does that make me odd?  I'm pretty sure it does.  You probably wanna scream at me for not being just a little upset, but I guess I got a little revenge, huh?

"You had a really good time, didn't you?"

"You bet your life!  There was this one girl that...uh...never mind."

I laughed.  "Well, I'm sure she did something really great.  You think you could call me back in the afternoon?"

"Yep."

I hung up the phone, buried my face in my pillow and passed out.

The day was pretty uneventful, but I wasn't so lucky the next day...

I hopped in the car, and got ready to pick Randy up from the airport.

When he got off the plane he seemed really happy to see me.  He ran over to me, picked me up and threw me over his shoulder.  Then he started spinning me around like a helicopter, and I got extremely dizzy.

"Randy, I think you'd better stop."

"Sorry."  He put me down slowly, and cupped my face.  "I missed you so much.  I thought I was gonna die."

Things were quiet when we got home.  Randy followed me around the house pretty much all day, and just sort of clung to me.  Finally, the sun went down and Randy decided that he didn't do enough partying in New York.

"Jill?"

"What is it?"

"Change your clothes.  We're goin out."

“Where are we going?”

He told me the name of some club in Downtown Detroit.

I went into the bedroom and picked out something simple, my black skirt and my favorite pink halter-top.  I really didn’t feel like going out, but Randall just got back and I didn’t wanna argue with him. 

Instead, I picked up my phone and made an emergency call while Ran was in the bathroom.

“Marshall?”

“Hey.  What’s up?”

“How would you like to save my life tonight?”

I told him what was goin’ on, and he said that he would be there after he dropped his daughter off at his aunt’s house.

Randy and I made our way inside of the very stuffy and very crowded club.  We found a booth to sit in, and he went to the bar to get drinks for us. 

He came back a few minutes later and said, "Your friend is here."

"My friend?"

"Yeah, ya know.  Eminem, Slim Shady, Marshall Mathers, whatever the fuck you wanna call him.  I told him to come sit with us."

"You did?"

"Uh-huh."  He pointed behind me.  "There he is now."

I turned around and smiled.  "Hi, Marshall."

"Hi, Jillian."

I scooted over so he could sit next to me.

"Well, looks like you got someone to keep you company, so I'm gonna go ahead and take a good look around."

"Don't be gone too long, Randy."

"I won't, Jillian.  Relax."

Randy disappeared into the crowd, and Marshall started a conversation with me.

"Is it really hard to pretend that he doesn't exist now?"

I laughed.  "Ya know, he's been pretty well-behaved today.  I didn't even feel the need to pretend."

"Lucky you."

"What do you mean?"

"I get the feeling that I'm gonna be stuck pretending for a long time."

"Explain."

"You're gonna stay with him until he leaves you."

"What makes you think he's gonna leave me?"

"Well, I'm not really sayin' that he will.  But, that would be the only way you would be away from him.  He would have to leave you first."

"I love the way you think you know everything, Marshall."

"You're gettin' mad again, Jillian.  You don't hafta get mad."

"I'm not mad."

"Ok, you're not mad."

"I think you're the one that's mad."

"Do you wanna argue with me, Jill?  'Cause you won't win."

"You think I asked you to come here so I can argue with you?"

"I don't know why you asked me to come here.  But, I'm guessin' that you didn't wanna go out, but Randy dragged your ass outta the house anyways."

I rolled my eyes.  I hate it when other people are right.

"So, are you glad to see me?"

"I love the way you jump from subject to subject.  Yeah, I'm glad to see you."

"Good."

Randy made his way back over to where Marshall and I were sitting.

"Excuse me, Marshall.  I need to borrow my girlfriend for a minute."

That minute turned into a couple of hours, and as you can imagine Randy isn't a very good influence on me.  I was drunk outta my mind, and he had left me sitting at the bar.  I stumbled back to my table, and Marshall was still sitting there.

"I'm sorry.  Don't be mad."

"Jillian?  You ok?"

I hiccupped.  “I think I had too much to drink.  Don’t be mad at me.”

“I’m not mad at you.  Sit down.”

I sat down next to him, and put my head down on the table.

“Jill, where’s Randy?”

I shrugged my shoulders.  “He left me at the bar.”

“Get up for a minute.”

“Why?”

“You need some water.”

He walked me to the bathroom (which was unisex) and turned on the faucet.  He started splashing water in my face, and I started laughing.

“Jill, your boyfriend needs his ass kicked.”

“You’re mad at me aren’t you Marshall?  I can make you stop bein’ mad, though.  I can sing my favorite song.”

\\ I wish I were an Oscar Mayer Weiner
That is what I’d truly like to be
‘Cause if I were an Oscar Mayer Weiner
Everyone would be in love with me //  

I think I get a different personality every time I’m drunk.  I can be overly emotional and I can be downright stupid.

He was laughing, although he probably didn’t want to.  He splashed some more water on me, dried my face with his shirt and then took me back out to sit at the table.

We sat down together and I pinched his face.  “You’re so nice, Marshall.”

Randy came back again, and picked me up.

“I was lookin’ for you.”

“I didn’t wanna sit at the bar anymore, Ran-Ran.”

“Alright, come on.  It’s time to go home.”

I saw Marshall leaving out when Randy was putting me in the car.  As far as what happened after that, I don’t remember a damn thing.  I passed out in the car.

I woke-up the next morning with a pounding headache and I was still wearing my clothes.  Randy was sound asleep next to me, and I started to smile at him until I realized how sore I was.  I felt a little breeze, and I realized that my underwear were gone.  I hesitated, but I lifted my skirt a little, and found a nice surprise between my legs.

“Oh my God...”

“Randy!”  I gave him a good smack in the head.

“Owww!  Fuck!  What, Jillian!?!”

“If you were gonna fuck me while I was passed out, you could’ve had the decency to clean me up a little!”

“What are you talkin’ about?”

“You came all over me!”

“What?  Let me see.”

He reached for my skirt, but I slapped his hand.

“Don’t touch me.”

“I’m sorry, Jillian.  I was tired, and last night you didn’t really seem to care.”

“I don’t even remember last night!”

“Ok, sorry.  Next time I’ll clean it up.”

“How did you do that anyways?”

“I don’t know.  I was so fuckin’ tired, but you were so cute, and you were singin’ the Oscar Mayer song.  I couldn’t resist.”

I buried my face in my hands.

“Randy?”

Can you tell that I’m about to totally change the subject?

“What?”

“Where’s my ring?”

Chapter 10


So, where was my ring?

"Don't you think you should clean yourself up first, Jillian?  Sitting there like that is kinda gross."

Was he forgetting that he was the one who left me like that?

I got out of the bed slowly.

"Randy what the fuck did you do to me last night?!  It fuckin' hurts!"

He just looked at me and laughed.

"Never mind.  I don't wanna know."

I grabbed some clothes and went to take a shower.  I emerged 20 minutes later, and climbed back on the bed.

"Ok, give me the ring."

He laughed.  “Why should I?”

“Don’t start fuckin’ with me, Randy.  I want that ring.”

“Really?”

“No.”  I said sarcastically.  “This is all for show.”

“You really wanna get married, huh?  I never thought that you did.”

“I didn't think that you did, either.”  I paused for a moment.  "Are you doing this because of my dad?"

He didn't answer me, and it kinda freaked me out a little.  My eyes were starting to tear up.

"Don't start cryin', Jillian.  I hate it when you cry."

"So, you are doing it just because of my dad?  You want him to stop pestering you?"

"I'm not doing it just because of your dad.  I *do* want him to start pestering me, but that doesn't have much to do with my reasons for buying the ring."

"Then what are the reasons?"

"I can't think of a reason not to marry you.  Who wouldn't wanna marry you if they were in my shoes, Jillian?  You're smart, you're funny, you're cute as hell, and you're always willing to let the bad shit go.  The fact that I've known you since I was 10 only makes things better.  I can't imagine bein' with anyone else."  He took a deep breath.  "Now relax while I go downstairs and get the fuckin' ring."

He was out of the room before I could even comprehend what had just happened.  Our whole relationship was playing over and over in my head while I sat there waiting for him.  By the time my head was clear, he was back and dangling a little black velvet case in front of me.

"You wanna open it?"

"I think you'd better open it for me.  I'm gonna fuckin' cry."

"Ok."  He popped open the box and took the ring out.  "I don't know how to ask you."

I laughed.  "Do what they do on television."

I scooted closer to the edge of the bed and he got down on one knee.  "Um, will you marry me?"  He put the ring on my finger.

I nodded.  "Yes, I will."

"That's it?"

"That's it."

He got up and started hugging me.

"That was easier than I thought it would be."

You're not too happy about this, are you?  You probably wanna kill me right now, but what else were you expecting from me?  I'm not always gonna do things the way everyone else wants me to do them.

We celebrated for a few minutes and then I figured I should call my parents.  I was supposed to call them the day after they came to visit, but I never got around to doing it.  While I was taking care of that, Randy went to take a shower and get dressed.

"Hi, Mom."

"Jillian, it's about time you called.  Did Ran finally propose?"

"Yeah, he did."

"It took him long enough.  He was supposed to do it the day your father and I were over."

"Better late than never."

"Well, you know what this means."

"No, I don't."

"Kids!  I'm gonna be a grandma!"

"Whoa!  Mom!  You're jumping way too far ahead!"

"I don't think I am, but we can talk about it later.  Don't go anywhere, me and your dad will be there shortly."

She hung up before I could tell her to wait a while.  My cell was ringing, so I went ahead and answered it.

"Yeah?"

"Hey, you doin' alright?"

"I'm doing fine, Marshall.  Thank you."

"No problem.  I was worried about you last night, so I figured I'd call and see how you were."

"That's very sweet of you, but I'm expecting my parents soon.  Can I call you back later?"

"Yeah, call whenever you feel like it."

"I'll do that."

You know I felt bad, right? 

It only took Randy 30 minutes to get ready, and I must say that I was very impressed.  He walked out of the bathroom and he had a very smug look.

"So, Mrs. Helmsley, what's on the schedule today?"

"We're not married yet, Randall.  And to answer your question, my parents are coming over."

"But the day was going so well.  Why do we have to let them ruin it?”

“They’re not gonna ruin it.  Shouldn’t you be calling your parents?”

“Yeah, I guess so.”

I love Randy’s parents to death.  They’re absolutely amazing people.  I don’t understand why he doesn’t care for my parents too much, though.  Well, I understand his aversion for my father, but my mom is awesome.  I don’t know, maybe she’s a little too upfront for him.

He talked to his folks and told them the good news, and they promised that they would come see us in the next few days.

I heard the doorbell ring, and I went running down the stairs.  Randy was taking his precious time.

I opened the door and screamed out.  “Mommy!”

“Hi, sweetie!  Where’s Randall?”

“He’s making his way down the stairs.”

“What’s taking him so long?”

“He likes to live every moment to it’s fullest, even if he’s just walking down the stairs. Where’s Dad?”

“He’s in the car getting himself together.”

“He was crying?”

My mom laughed.  “Like a big fuckin’ baby!”

Randy finally came down the stairs.

“Randall, honey!”  Mom was squeezing the life out of him.  “You handsome devil!  Jillian couldn’t have done better!”

You don’t agree with that, do you?

“Thank you Mrs. Bauer.”

“Call me Olivia.”

“Thank you, Olivia.”

He seemed a little freaked out by that, but at least she didn’t tell him to call her ‘mom’.  That would’ve been a bit much.

The three of us sat in the living room, and my dad came in.

“Hi, Daddy.”

“Hey, Princess.  Congratulations.”

“Thank you.”

He looked over at Randy.  “This still doesn’t make up for what you’ve done, but it’s better than fucking her brains out every night without some sort of commitment.”

I have no idea where that came from.

“Dad!”

“Jillian, stay out of this.  This is between Randy and me.  Olivia, get her out of here.”

I looked at my mom.  “You’re not gonna do what he says, are you?”

She looked back at my dad.  “I’m not gonna do that to her in her own house, Manny.”

I was kinda starting to wonder why Randy wasn’t saying anything, but then he spoke up.

“I think you should leave Mr. Bauer.”

“You think I should leave?”

“Yeah.  You’re out of your fuckin’ mind and I think you should go.  Jillian doesn’t need this shit.”

"How do you know what she needs?  You took my daughters' virginity in a bathroom!  A fuckin' bathroom!"

"Your daughter wanted it that way!"

The room got quiet and my dad went to take a swing at Randy, but I caught his arm.

"Come on, Dad.  We need to talk."

I took him upstairs with me while Ran and my mom stayed downstairs.

"I'm gonna kill him, Jillian."

"No you're not, Dad.  You can't blame Randy for that."

"How could I not?"

"You heard what he said.  I wanted it that way."

"What?  Did he brainwash you into thinking that?"

"He's not a hypnotist, Dad.  You're wrong."

"Tell me how I'm wrong, Jill."

"You wanna see me as this sweet and innocent little girl, but I'm not perfect.  Randy deserves a lot of credit, Dad.  He could've been fucking me when I was 15."

"Fifteen!?"

"You wanna hear a little story, Dad?"

"Go ahead, Jillian.  Give me a fuckin' heart attack.”

“You know I always liked Randy, Dad.  Well, a month before he went off to college, I started knocking on his window at night, and he would let me in.  I went in there and fooled around with him every fuckin’ night, and I wanted him to fuck me so bad, but he wouldn’t do it, Dad!  Every summer when he came home from school we did the exact same thing.  I would wait until you and Mom went to bed, and then I would go knockin’ on that window.  When I turned 18, I told him to take me upstairs and fuck me, and that’s exactly what he did!  He waited, Dad!  How many other guys would’ve waited three years when the girl was climbing through their bedroom window every fuckin’ night?!”

I can’t believe I just told my dad about that.  Hell, I can’t believe he listened to the whole thing without going ballistic.

“Jillian?”

“What?”

“I can’t believe you.  You were quite the little whore, huh?”

Well, I knew he would go ballistic eventually.

“What did you just say?”

“You’re a whore!  You didn’t think that shit was cute, did you?”

“Go home, Dad.”

“You know what, Jillian?”

“What?”

“You deserve him.  He’s an asshole, and you deserve him.”

I stayed upstairs until I heard the front door slam.  I went back to the living room and sat down with Randy.

“I hate your dad.”

“You’re not the only one.  You wanna go somewhere?  I need to get outta here for a while.”

“I told you your parents were gonna ruin it.”

“It’s just my dad.  From now on, my mom is the only one allowed over.”

"So, you're not gonna talk to him anymore?"

"I don't know.  I don't really wanna think about it right now."

"Oh.  Well, I don't really feel like goin' anywhere.  I think I'm gonna go back to bed, but you can go by yourself if you want."

"Alright, I won't be too long."

I hopped in the car and drove to the first place that came to mind.

"Jill?  What are you doin' here?"

"I hope you don't mind me showing up announced, but I had a rough morning."

"I don't mind.  What did Randy do this time?"

"He didn't do anything, Marshall."

"Really?"

"Is that surprising to you?"

"A little."

"Well, are you gonna let me in or not?"

"Oh, sorry.  Come on in."

We sat in his dining room together.

"Is your daughter home?"

"Yeah."

"Can I meet her?  I need to see a friendly face."

"You wanna meet my daughter?"

"You don't mind, do you?"

"No, I'll go get her."

He came back a few minutes later, and introduced me to one of the cutest kids I've ever seen.

"Hailie, this is Jillian.  Jillian, this is Hailie."

I got out of my chair and shook her hand.

"Hi, Hailie."

"I've seen you on TV before, Jillian.  You look prettier in person."

Great, now little kids are telling me that.

"Thank you, Hailie."

"Are you married, Jillian?"

"No.  Why?"

"You got a ring on your married finger.  My daddy likes you, so it wouldn't be good for him if you were married."

I love kids.  They’re so honest.

"How do you know your dad likes me?"

"When we see you on TV he can't stop talkin' about you.  He talks about you all day.  Uncle Proof told him to shut-up the other day 'cause he kept talkin' about you."

I looked at Marshall and saw that he was blushing.

"Hailie, I'm gonna talk to Jillian for a minute.  Could you excuse us for a second?"

"Yep."  She went into the living room to watch television.

"So, what's with the ring?"

"Randy got it for me."

"You marryin' him?"

"Um, no."

I'm such a bad liar under pressure.

"You're a bad liar, Jillian."

See.  I told you.

"Were you gonna keep it from me?"

"I don't know."

"Do you like makin' me chase you?"

"What are you talking about?"

"Don't play dumb.  I know you're not dumb."

"You're not chasing me, Marshall."

"I'm not?  Funny, I thought that I was.  I can't believe you're marryin' the fuckin' guy, especially after what he did last night.  You gotta be fuckin' insane, Jillian."

"Stop swearing, Marshall.  Your daughter might hear you."

"Why do you think I went out to that club last night?"

"Because I asked you to."

"Exactly.  I did it because the girl that I'm falling for asked me to.  Although it probably wasn't worth it, because she's marrying a guy that gets her drunk and leaves her sitting at a bar.  Anything coulda happened to you, Jillian.  Somebody coulda put somethin' in your fuckin' drink or some other crazy shit like that."

"I..."

"He fucked you when you got home, didn't he?"

"Yeah, he did."

He looked hurt.  I don't think he was expecting me to come right out and say it.

"If I got you drunk and fucked you would you like me then?  Do you like that kinda shit?"

"I already do like you, Marshall.  I don't need you to do anything to make me like you.  I liked you from the beginning.  You were right when you said that I was afraid of you.  I'm afraid of the affect you have on me.  It's so easy to like you.  It's like you don't even have to try and win me over."

"What about the other thing I asked you?"

"What other thing?"

"Do you like that type of shit?  Bein' taken advantage of?"

"Is that what you think I like?"

"In a way."

"Are you serious?"

"It seems so easy for you to let that shit go.  Any other person would be traumatized.  You let it go like it's no big fuckin' deal."

"I don't know what to say."

"It's alright, Jillian.  Don't even fuckin' worry about it."

"Well, I guess I'll talk to you later, Marshall.  I just wanted to get outta the house for a few."

"What happened?"

"My father came over and called me a whore.  It was very touching."

"Your father did what?"

I told him the whole entire story about what happened that morning, and I told him the same story I told my father.

"He didn't have to call you that, Jillian."

"Believe me, I know."

"So, I guess I'm not the only person that can't stand Randy."

I laughed.  "I guess not."

"You know what, Jill?"

"What?"

"You really do like that shit."

"What?  Why do you think that?"

"I already told you.  And you know what else?"

"What, Marshall?"

"Next time I see you, I'm gonna give you what you want."

Chapter 11

You're probably all worked up over that "I'm gonna give you what you want" thing, huh?  Well, I'm sure I would've been too if I knew what I actually wanted.

I talked to Marshall for a few more minutes, then I said goodbye to him and Hailie and went back home.  When I got there Randy was asleep on the couch, so I sat in the reclining chair.

I was bored to tears (as usual) so I woke Randy up.

"What do you want?"

"I want you to get up."

He started smiling at me.  "Why?"

"Not for whatever reason you're thinking."

"Then leave me alone.  I'm tired."

"Just get up, Randy.  Please?"

He sat up and made his 'you're annoying the shit out of me' face.

"This better be good."

"I'm bored."

"Well if you would just shut your fuckin' mouth and open your damn legs I could fix that for you."

Sadly, he wasn't trying to be funny, but I laughed anyways.  Then the words danced around in my head and made some sort of an impact.

"Am I a whore, Randy?"

He looked stunned.  "A whore?  No!  Why would you even ask that?"

"My dad thinks so."

"How do you know he thinks that?"

"He told me."

"What?  When?  Earlier?"

I nodded.

"Why would he say that?"

"I told him about climbing through your window."

"You did?  That doesn't make you a whore though, Jillian.  I never paid you.  Well, I did pay you that one time last year, but it still doesn't make you a whore."

"You never paid me, Randy."

"Yeah, I did.  Remember when you got really mad at me, and I gave you that twenty dollars?"

"You owed me that twenty dollars, and I didn't sleep with you for it."

"Oh.  Well, never mind then."

I think he was trying to be funny that time, but I wasn't amused.

"Aren't you the least bit mad?"

"About what?  Your dad?"

"Yeah.  What else?"

"Honestly, I'm pissed.  But, I'm not gonna jump up and go crazy.  The day's been rough enough.  You don't need me goin' after your dad and slicing his throat."

"I guess you're right."

"I'll do it when things are less hectic."

I giggled.  "Do you remember the first time I climbed through your window?"

"How could I not remember that?  You scared the shit outta me that night!  I came out of the bathroom and your crazy ass was sprawled out on my bedroom floor!  You looked like you broke your fuckin’ leg!”

That night Randy’s window was wide open, and I had already broken my curfew, so I said, “fuck it”.  I grabbed the ledge, pulled myself up and climbed in headfirst.  Unfortunately, I’m a huge klutz, so I ended up flipping over on the way in.  I’m also a bit of a drama queen, so I pretty much laid there like I was dying until Randy came back.  I thanked God every night that his room was downstairs, or else I would’ve had a hell of a time getting in.

I think it’s pretty safe to say that I was a bit of a rambunctious teenager.  Well, at least I was in my fathers’ eyes.  My mom pretty much let me do whatever I want.  She let me dye my hair pink when I was 16, but my dad hated it so I had to dye it black again.  I got my bellybutton pierced that same year, but I had to get it taken out.  Not because of my dad, but because it sorta got caught on Randy’s shirt one night, and he nearly ripped it out.  After that I was like, “This shit is dangerous.”  Plus, it was itching me all the fuckin’ time.

But anyways, I’m probably boring the shit outta you.

A knock at the door interrupted our little trip down memory lane.

“I got it, Jillian.”

“Good, ‘cause I wasn’t gonna get up.”

He walked to the door and looked to see who it was.

“It’s your fuckin’ parents again!  What the fuck is goin’ on!?”

“I’ll take care of it, Ran.”

I got up and Randy sat back down on the couch.  I opened the door, but only looked at my mother.

“Hi, Mom.  What are you doin’ back here again?”

“Your dad was just dropping me off.  I’m a little upset with him, so I’m gonna stay with you and Randy for a while.”

“Oh.  Ok.”  I let her in and shut the door in my fathers’ face.

Randy got up.  “You’re stayin’ with us Mrs. Bauer?”

“Just for a few days.  Manny told me what he said to Jillian.  If I stay there I’ll kill him.”

I love my mommy.  Don’t you?

“So, Randall when are you gonna get Jill pregnant?”

“I think it’s a little early to think about that.”

“Well, if you two aren’t careful it could happen sooner than you think.  I imagine it would be easy for you to get her pregnant.”

“Why do you say that?”

“I took a good look at what you left on my bathroom wall.  I’ve never seen so much at one time.  I figure with that much, the chances of getting her pregnant are huge.”

I looked and felt disgusted (again) but Randy found it interesting.

“You really think so?  It was that much?”

God, what kind of mother do I have?  Who talks to their daughters’ boyfriend about this type of shit?  Was she even making any sense?

“Just tell me one thing, Randall.”

“Alright, Mrs. Bauer.”

“How did it get on my wall?”

“I can’t tell you that right now.  It’s a little complicated.”

She smirked.  “Sure it is.”

“Could you guys please stop?  You’re grossing me out.”

“Excuse us, Mrs. Bauer.  I need to talk to Jillian for a minute.”

“No problem, and call me Olivia.”

“Ok, Olivia.”

He grabbed me by the arm and took me upstairs.  We went into our bedroom and he shut the door.

“What’s up?”

“Your mother.”

“What about her?”

“She’s here.”

“So?  What’s your point?”

“I can’t fuck you with your mother here.”

I started laughing.  “Is that all you think about?”

“No, but it's number one on my list.”

“I don’t see what the big deal is.  You were fine when her and my dad were downstairs with all my aunts, uncles, cousins, and grandparents at my party.”

“That’s ‘cause all those people were distracting each other.  They couldn’t hear what was goin’ on upstairs.  This is different, Jillian.  It’s just you, me and your mom in the house.  When we’re up here, she won’t have anyone to talk to, so she’ll naturally be able to concentrate and hear more.  I’m sure you know that you’re kinda loud, Jillian.  Do you want your mother to hear you?”

“You think I’m loud?”

“I *know* you’re loud.”

“Randy what’s the point of this?”

“You’re gonna have to learn to be a little quieter while your mom is here, and if you can’t do that I’m gonna have to put my hand over your mouth.”

“Randy, this is officially the stupidest conversation I have *ever* had.  Thank you for being a complete idiot.”

“I’m being serious, Jill.”

“I know, that’s what scares me.”  I thought for a minute.  “Look, my mom just got through talking to you about our infamous bathroom romp, and the evidence you left behind.  I’m sure she won’t be fazed if she hears something.  She‘ll probably cross her fingers and hope it‘ll be the night I get knocked up.”

He thought about it for a disturbingly long time and left it at that.

"Can we go back downstairs, Randall?"

"Yeah.  I feel better now."

We were leaving the room when my mother came running up the stairs.

"Jillian."

"What Mom?"

"There's someone on your cell phone, honey."  She handed it to me.

"Hey, I know you haven't had the best day, but how would you like to come and save my life tonight?"

"Um, hold on a second."  I looked at my mom.  "Do you mind staying here by yourself for a few hours tonight, Mommy?  Randy and I are gonna have to leave."

"No, I don't mind at all.  This place could use some cleaning, so I think I'll take care of that."

I put my mouth back to the phone.  "Ok, just give me the info."

Another crowded club, and another unwanted wild night for Jillian.

Randy and I walked into the very crowded and smoke-filled establishment.  I saw Em and D12 sitting in a huge booth.  I figured that it must be for VIP's or some shit like that.  We went over and sat with them.

"You haven't met everyone yet have you, Ran?"

I introduced him to all the guys and he was actually pretty friendly towards them.  He talked for a while, and it seemed like they were kinda changing their opinion of him.  Every one but Marshall, of course.  Finally, in true Randy fashion, he got up and told me he would be back.

I laughed.  "There he goes."

Marshall seemed upset.  "If he comes back to get you don't go with him."

"Why not?"

"You know why, Jillian.  When are you gonna learn?"

"I thought I liked that type of shit, Marshall."

The group looked confused and they excused themselves and went out to the dance floor.

"So, you do like it."

I shrugged my shoulders.

"Are you playin' with me, Jillian?"

I shook my head.

"Why did you bring him with you?  How am I supposed to give you what you want with him here?"

"What do I want, Marshall?"

"You want me to fuck you."

"No, I don't."

"Yes, you do.  Now go on and have a few drinks, so I can drag you to the bathroom.  I *know* you like that type of shit."

"You don't *know* anything, Marshall.  Do you have any idea what you're doing when you say that I like that kind of stuff?"

"No.  What?"

"You're practically agreeing with my father.  You're making me sound like a whore."

"I'm not tryin' to say that, Jillian.  I would never think that about you."

I sat quietly for a little while and told him what I thought.

"You wouldn't do that anyways, Marshall."

"Wouldn't do what?"

"Get me drunk and take me in a bathroom.  You wouldn't do that."

"What makes you think I wouldn't?"

"That's not who you are.  That's Randy, and you're not Randy."

"That why you love him?"

"Marshall, can we please talk about something else?"

"No."

"Why not?"

"'Cause I wanna understand you a little better."

"What is there to understand?"

"There's a lot of shit I don't understand about you, Jillian.  I don't understand why you're wasting your time."

"I'm not wasting my time."

"I don't wanna argue with you, so I'm just gonna drop it."

"That'll work."

"When are you gonna wake-up?"

"When are you gonna leave me alone?"

"Never."

"Marshall, what is it that you want?"

"You, Jillian."

"Well, I think you're the one who needs to wake-up."  I pointed to my hand.  "There's a ring on my finger, Marshall.  That's it."

"That's bullshit and you know it."

I got up.  "Why did you want me to come here, Marshall?  There's not much that you can gain from me."

He got up and grabbed my left hand.

"What are you doing?"

"Taking you to the bathroom."

We made our way there and luckily it wasn't occupied.

"Let me see that ring."

Before I could say anything he was trying to slide it off my finger.  I smacked his hand away before he could take it all the way off.

"What's your problem?"

"What's yours?"

"You know my problem already Marshall!  Remember?"

"Calm down, Jillian."

"I don't need you to try and save me, Marshall.  I can take care of myself."

"You gonna save yourself?"

"That's just the thing, Marshall.  I don't need to be saved.  You just think I do.  I'm fine.  Everything was fine until you came and started turning it upside down."

"So everything was perfect before you met me?  Is that what you're saying?"

"Nothing is ever perfect, but it certainly was a lot easier."

"You know why it was easier?"

"No, please tell me."

"Because you realized that Randy isn't the only guy out there.  You got a thing for me and it's scaring you shitless.  Things aren't easy when they're scary."

"There you go again thinking you know everything."

"In this situation I *do* know everything."

"Good for you.  That must be a great feeling."

I moved away from him, and left out of the bathroom.  I found Randy sitting at the bar and sat with him.

"Hey, Jill."

"Hey, Ran."

He held his glass in front of me.  "You thirsty?"

"No, but I'll drink it anyways."

You know what I did, right?  I think I'm becoming a little predictable at this point.

I woke up the next morning with a sheet wrapped around me, and Randy asleep next to me.

"Randy?"

His eyes popped open.  "What?  Somethin' wrong?"

"No, nothing's wrong.  You forgot all about my mother being here, huh?"

He smiled.  "Yeah, you did a great job of helpin' me not to think about it.  Oh and I don't know if you remember, but I cleaned up after myself this time."

"I remember.  Thank you."

Chapter 12

So, I was a little mean to Marshall.  Don't think that I don't realize that.  I know that I was a total bitch, but I wasn't a bitch on purpose.  He just gets to me.  The fact that he sees himself as being absolutely right about me and the things that I experience drives me insane.  How could he think that he knows me so well, when I'm not sure if I know myself half the time?

And I don't care what you say; his opinion of Randy is very unjust.  Do you think Randy gets me drunk and takes me home to fuck me all the time?  You wanna make him out to be this super villain, but that’s not how it is.  If I get drunk, it’s not Randy’s fault.  He doesn’t put a gun to my head and say, “Drink this or I’ll blow your brains out.”  Whenever I do something, I do it because I wanna do it.  Believe it or not, I don’t get drunk all that often.  Truthfully, I don’t like to drink.  I don’t know why I do it.  Now as far as Randy fucking me while I'm drunk, I see why you would have a problem with that.  Still, I don't really have a problem with it.  I did freak out at Paris' party, but I don't know what my deal was that night.  My reaction most likely petrified him.  I had never really gotten mad at Randy before that.  I don’t usually say, “No.”

Anyways, we'll talk about that a little bit later...

So, it had been a couple of days and I hadn’t talked to Marshall.  I wanted to apologize, but I was gonna have to wait to get around to it.  My mother was still staying with Randy and I, so I felt like we needed to give her our full attention.

We were all eating breakfast when the phone started to ring.  My mom excused herself and went to go answer it.

“How long is she gonna be here, Jillian?”

I shrugged.  “I really don’t know, Randy.”

“Well, could you find out?”

“You’re the one who wants to know.  Why don’t you find out?”

“I don’t wanna be rude.”

Did I hear him correctly?

“Since when do you care about whether you’re rude or not?”

“Are you saying that I’m usually rude?”

I giggled.  “Yeah, that’s exactly what I’m saying.”

“I guess I just don’t wanna be rude to your mother.  It’s bad enough your dad hates me.  I don’t need your mom hating me, too.  If our marriage is gonna work, I need to get along with at least one of your parents.”

I pushed my plate away.  “I don’t think that what my parents think of you should have anything to do with our marriage.”

My mom came back in the room before Randy could respond.

“Your father is on his way here.”

“Why?”

“He’s coming to get me.”

“Do you wanna leave, Mom?”

“Yes, Jillian.  I love you, but you’re just too much for me.  It’s definitely time for me to go back.”

“I’m too much for you?”

She looked at Randy and then back at me.  “Both of you are too much for me.  You’re the cutest couple, but your living conditions bother me a little.”

“Our living conditions?”

“Jillian, when you two went out that night, and I stayed here to clean up I couldn’t believe the shit I was finding.  You had underwear lying around every room of the house.  There was underwear in your computer room for Christ’s Sake!”

Randy looked confused.  “So, what’s your point Mrs. Bauer?”

“Randall, I can’t stay here and live with the fact that you’ve had sex with my daughter in *every* single room of the house.  It makes me a little uncomfortable.”

Randy and I both laughed.

An hour later my father arrived and I answered the door.

“Jillian.”

“Dad.”

“Mind if I come in and sit down for a while?”

“Yeah, I do mind.”

“Look, I’m sorry about calling you a whore, sweetheart.  I can’t help it if it’s true.”

What kind of an apology was that?  Does it even qualify as an apology?  Ok, I was seriously about to flip out…

“Alright, so I climbed through a window every night during the summer for three years just to get off, and I practically begged Randy to take my virginity in that bathroom.  But, you don’t know how frustrating it was, Dad.  You don’t know how frustrating it was to climb through that window every night and know that I wasn’t gonna get exactly what I wanted.  I mean, getting finger fucked is only satisfying for so long!”

“You little-”

I quickly cut him off.

“What are you gonna say, Dad?  You gonna call me a whore, again!?  Go ahead!  ’Cause if that shit makes me a whore then so be it!  I’m a whore!”  I started to smile.  “I’m Randy’s whore!”

His face was turning bright red, and I thought that he was gonna freak out on me, but instead he took a deep breath.

“So, you’re Randy’s whore, huh?”

“If it makes you angry enough, then yeah, I’m his whore.”

He completely changed the subject. 

“Where’s your mother?”

“She’s upstairs packing.  Randy’s helping her.”

“Jillian, would you please just let me in?”

I thought about it for about a minute, and then I moved out of his way.  “Don’t expect to be here long.  As soon as Mom is finished, you’re leaving.”

My dad sat on the sofa, and Randy came down the stairs carrying my moms’ suitcase.  He put the luggage down and looked at my father.

“Why are you in my house?”

“My daughter let me in.”

Randy looked at me.  “Are you forgetting that he called you a whore, Jillian?”

“No, I’m not forgetting.”

“Then why in the fuck did you let him in here?”

My dad got up.  “Don’t swear at my daughter!  It’s your fault she’s the way she is now!”

“What’s wrong with the way she is now?  As far as I’m concerned she’s fuckin’ perfect!”

“Why is she perfect to you, Randy?  Is it because she’ll open her legs for you at the drop of a dime?!”

Randy smirked.  “That’s part of it.”

My dad was about to blow his top, but my mother finally heard all the noise and came running down the stairs.

“What’s going on?”

Dad put his arms up as if he were surrendering.

“Our daughter’s a fuckin’ whore, and there’s not a damn thing I can do about it!”

“Manny, she’s not a whore!  Stop calling her that!”

“Are you kidding me, Olivia!?”

“No, I’m not.  How could she possibly be a whore when she’s only been with one person her whole entire life?”

He didn’t say anything.  Well, at least not right away…

The room grew silent and I was just standing there breathing in and out.  Doing whatever I could to release the tension from my body.

“Olivia,” my Dad said, “you’re wrong.  Sure, Randy may be the only person she’s ever been with, but look at the way she behaves.  She climbed her slutty ass through a fuckin’ window every night, and she begged that asshole to fuck her in the bathroom!”

Ok, it was time for me to step in again.

“Dad, how could you ridicule Randy for using a curse word when he was talking to me, but you’re standing here calling me a slut and a whore?!  You can call Randy an asshole all you want, but you’re clearly the only asshole in the room right now!”

“Jillian, it’s like I said before…you deserve him…he’s an asshole and you deserve him.”

I started to say something, but Randy stopped me.

“Don’t bother, Jillian.”  He paused for a minute, and then looked at my dad.  “It’s not worth it.  If he thinks you’re a whore then there’s not a lot we can do, right?”

I smiled at him.  “Right.  But, we can’t be completely upset with him, Randy.  I am a whore in a lot of ways.”  I winked at him.  “I’m *your* whore.  I’m *always* willing to let you fuck me, so that makes me yours.  That makes me your whore.”

By then, my dad had totally had enough.  He helped my mother with her bags, and they both left without saying anything.

The stress that clouded the room went away as soon as Dad closed the door.

Randy and me plopped down on the couch at the exact same time.

“You think I’m perfect, Randy?”

“I think you’re pretty damn close.”

“It’s not because of the reason my dad gave, is it?”

“No, not really.  I just kinda went along to piss him off.”

After all that commotion, we didn’t really feel like doing much, so we just kinda sat around for the rest of the day.  When 10 p.m. rolled around we went up to our room.  I climbed into bed and grabbed a magazine off the nightstand and Randy climbed in next to me and turned on the television.

“Jillian?”

“Huh?”  My face was buried in the magazine.

“I’m bored.”

Ha!  Now he knows what it feels like!

“Maybe you should go somewhere and do something.”

“I’d rather stay here and do something.”

“Oh, ok.”  I grabbed another magazine.  “Read this, it’s interesting.”

I handed him the magazine and he threw it across the room without even looking at it.

“No wonder you’re bored, Randy.  You’re not even trying to keep yourself entertained.”

“Are you tryin’ to be funny?”

“Don’t be silly, Randy.  You know I never really try.”

He snatched my magazine from me and threw it in the same direction as the other one.

“I oughtta kick your ass, Randy!  I was reading that!”

I went to get up, but he grabbed me by my hair.

“Ow!  Don’t do that!”

“Sorry.  I think it’s a reflex.”

“Fuck you.”

He smiled.  “It’s about time you caught on.”

“You’re disgusting.”

“I love you, Jillian.”

“Nice try, Randy.   You didn’t really think it would be that easy, did you?”

He laughed.  “I thought you said that you were my whore?  It should always be that easy.”

Before I knew it he was climbing on top of me.  “I love the way you feel.”

Ok, that’s the line that got me…

I got up the next morning and went downstairs to get something to eat.  Randy was already in the kitchen.

“We don’t have any food, Jillian.”

“Shit, I hate grocery shopping!”

I did the usual morning routine and then headed out to the grocery store.  Stupid Randy, he always gets out of going…

Anyways, I took care of business and got ready to go back home.  I got in the car and I started to realize how much I hate driving.  Why do I hate driving?  Because it makes me think!  It makes me think about *everything*.  If the car ride is long enough, I can go through every single significant thing that has ever happened to me.

During this particular car ride, I thought about Marshall.  So, what did I do about it?  I pulled over and got my cell phone out.

“Yeah?”

“Marshall?”

“Jillian, you ok?”

“Yeah, I’m decent.”

“Just decent?”

“Yeah, I had another episode with my father yesterday.”

“What happened this time?”

I told him the most important details and left the rest alone.

“So is my life overly dramatic, or what?”

“I’d say it is.”  He paused for a moment.  “Look, I’m glad that you called, ‘cause you kinda scared me the other night.”

“I did?”

“Yeah, I thought maybe you hated me now or somethin’.  You surprised me a little.”

“I surprised you?”

“Yeah, you freaked out on me.  I wasn’t expecting that.”

“What were you expecting?”

“I don’t know, but it certainly wasn’t that.”

“You were expecting me to give it to you, weren’t you?”

His tone changed.  “Don’t think so highly of yourself, Jillian.”

Was that an insult?

“Don’t get upset, Marshall.  That is what you were expecting.  You kept saying that I wanted you to fuck me, and then you thought you were gonna get some by taking me to the bathroom.  It‘s not me that wants to fuck you, Marshall.  It‘s you that wants to fuck me.”

“Is that really what you think, Jill?”

“Yep.”

“Well, you know what I think?”

“What?”

“I think you need to get over yourself and get over that stupid bastard you call a fiancé.”

I didn’t bother to reply to what he said.  Instead, I hung up the phone and went home to my fiancé.

Chapter 13


I can’t believe Marshall told me to get over myself!  Why would he say that?  Am I self-absorbed?  Am I!?  I don’t think I am!  I swear I thought about it every single second of the day.  Him telling me to get over Randy didn’t bother me, ‘cause everyone was telling me that, but I had never been told to get over myself!  What was that all about?

“Am I full of myself, Randy?”

“I don’t know.  Are you?”

“I’m asking you because I don’t know.”

“If you don’t know then you probably are.”

“Thanks.” I said sarcastically.  “You made me feel a lot better.”

“Jillian, that’s just the way it is if you have to question what you are.”

“So, I’m self-absorbed?”

“Yeah.  Definitely.”

Ok, how could Randy tell me that *I’m* self-absorbed!?

“You’re more self-centered than I am, Randall.”

“Yeah, but I know that about myself.  You’re in some form of denial.”

Ok, now this whole thing was practically eating me alive!  I guess it does make me self-absorbed if I’m constantly worrying about how other people perceive me.

Anyways, if you know Randy well enough by now then you know that he has to get out of the house at least 4 nights a week.  So, you can pretty much guess where we ended up…

That’s right!  We were out on the town again, and I was so ready to go home.

“Randy, can we leave?”

He had a beer in his hand.  “No way, Jillian!  The party’s just begun!”

I frowned at him.  “Randy, my head hurts.”

He appeared to be ignoring me.  “Randy, I said that my head hurts.”

He was looking past me.  “Randy!”

“Does he always know where you’re gonna be?”

“What?  Who?”

“Your buddy, Eminem.  He just walked in the door.”

I shrugged.  “It’s just a coincidence.”

“Ha!  He’s got all his little friends with him, too!”

I laughed.  “Little friends?”

“Yeah.”  He took a sip of his beer.  “Most of ‘em are kinda short.”

“Randy, you’re six foot four, everyone looks short to you.”

“Should I call them over here?”

“No.”

“Why not?”

“I-”

He didn’t let me answer the question. 

“Hey!”  He was waving his arms around to get their attention.

They all walked over to us, and I just stood there next to Randy with my hands completely covering my face.

Everyone said, “What’s up?”  Except for Marshall.  I know all of their voices, and I didn’t hear his.

I heard Swifty ask, “What’s wrong with Jillian?”

Finally, I heard Marshall speak.  “You didn’t make her cry again, did you?”

I took my hands away from my face.  “There’s nothing wrong.  I just have a headache.”

“Wait a minute.”  Randy said, “What do you mean *make her cry again*?  When did I ever make her cry?”

“You forgot about that party at the Hilton already, huh?”  Jillian must let you get away with a lot.”

“Yeah, she does.  But, I didn’t make her cry that night.  She made herself cry.  She was spazzin’ out over nothing.  And even if I did make her cry, it’s really none of your business.  You don’t fuckin’ know her.”

I didn’t wanna be responsible for a fight, so I had to try and make peace.

“Relax, Randy.  You don’t have to defend yourself.  Why don’t you let me talk to Marshall for second?”

“Alright, come and find me when you’re done.”  He walked away.

I looked at the guys.  “You mind if I talk to Em alone for a sec?”  They all split up and walked off in separate directions.

“Are you trying to start shit, Marshall?”

“Why’d you really have your hands over your face, Jillian?”

“I said that I have a headache.  And what’s it to you, anyways?  According to you, I need to get over myself.”

“I didn’t mean that.”

“Then why did you say it?”

“I was pissed at you.”

“For what?”

“For what!?  For flauntin’ that fuckin’ ring in my face when you knew it was gonna drive me crazy!”

“I apologized for that.  What more do you want from me?  Oh, wait…never mind.  I know what you want.”

“You think that shit’s funny?”

“Yeah, I do.  What made you think that I was gonna fuck you in that bathroom?”

“Because you really did want me to fuck you in that bathroom.  If you woulda let me take that ring off your finger you woulda realized that.”

I laughed.  “You amuse me, Marshall.”

“You’re bein’ a real bitch, Jillian.”

“Oh, that’s a nice thing to say.”  I said, sarcastically.  “I really want you to fuck me now.”

He grinned.  “I wouldn’t doubt it.”
 
I rolled my eyes at him.

“Ya know somethin’, Jillian?  You were a lot nicer when I first met you.”

“I don’t know what you thought before, but I’m not one dimensional.  You‘re just seeing different sides of me.”

“So, you let Randy get away with a lot?”

“Why does everything have to resort back to Randy?  Leave him out of this.”

“How can I leave him out of this when he’s the one standing in my way?”

“There’s no one standing in your way, Marshall.”

“How can you say that?  It doesn‘t make any fuckin‘ sense!”

“Why are you screaming at me?”

“Because I hate it when you play fuckin’ dumb like you don’t know what’s goin’ on!  You frustrate the shit outta me!”

“I frustrate you?  You frustrate me.”

“How do I frustrate you, Jillian?”

“You’re trying to force me to believe that I should be with you, but I’m trying to convince myself that I don’t want you.”

“Tryin’ to convince yourself?”

“If Randy weren’t around, there’s not a doubt in my mind that we would be together, but it’s hard to just say that I’m gonna leave him behind.  Marshall, you and me have like two or three months under our belt.  Randy and me have fourteen years.  You can’t compete with that.”

“I can’t compete?”

“No, you can’t.”

He had an endearing look in his eyes.  “You’re so cute, Jillian.”

“What does that have to do with anything?  Why are you looking at me like that?”

He laughed.  “You have this innocence about you.  I love it.”

“Marshall, I’m not the least bit innocent.”

“You’re not?”

I shook my head.  “Just go ask, Randy.  He’s got a story for every day of the year.”

“I don’t wanna hear about it from him.”

“Well, you’ve already heard the reasons for my dad thinking that I’m some sort of a jezebel.  I think that alone proves that I’m not innocent.”

“That’s true, but it wouldn’t hurt to hear a specific example.”

“Go ask Randy.”

“Didn’t I say that I didn’t wanna hear it from him?”

“I really don’t care.”

“Ouch.  You’re really tryin’ to put a hurtin’ on me aren’t ya?”

“I’m trying to get you to leave me alone.”

“You’re gonna have to work a little harder than that.”

Ok, now I know I said before that I really admired persistence, but I think I was in a much better mood that day.

“I could just walk away from you, Marshall.”

“Then why haven‘t you done it yet?”

“I like being around you.”

“What else do you like?”

“Um, I like a lot of things.”

I had no idea what he was getting at.

My eyes were darting all around the room, but I didn’t see Randy.  Why do we always have to go to crowded places?  Why can’t we just go and hang out at McDonalds?  I like McDonalds.

“You can’t concentrate, Jillian?”

“Huh?  Oh, um…no…I can’t.  Well, um…not right now.  I can’t concentrate right now.”

He put his hands on my waist.  “Why not?”

I bit my lip.  “I’m looking for Randy.  I can’t concentrate on you right now.”

“You don’t sound too convincing.  When are you gonna let me fuck you, Jillian?”

I hate it when people say things that I’m not expecting them to say.

“What?”  I looked at him like he was crazy.

“You heard me.”

“No, I didn’t.  Say it again.”

He leaned in closer to me.  “When are you gonna let me fuck you, Jillian?”

“When Randy drops dead.”

“You’re just sayin’ that.”  He went to kiss me, but I turned my head and he got the side of my neck.  It felt kinda good, but I wasn’t gonna tell him that.

“Give it a rest, Marshall.”

He took a deep breath.  “Stop teasin’ me, Jillian.”

“I’m not teasing you.  You’re the one trying to get a piece of me.”

He laughed.  “You’re stuck in your ways, Jillian.  How can I change that?”

“You *can’t* change it if I’m stuck.”

“That’s real funny, Jillian.”

 Yeah, I use sarcasm to get out of answering questions that I don’t wanna answer.  Another thing I do is flip things around to put all the pressure on the other person.

“You don’t just wanna fuck me, Marshall.  You wanna love me.”

“What?”

“You wanna love me.  Me being with Randy wouldn’t bother you so much if you just wanted to date me or get a fuck out of me.  You hate that I love him.”

“Ok, now you’re just babblin‘.”

“Don’t deny it, Marshall.  You wouldn’t freak out on me about Randy if you didn’t wanna have something real with me.  You feel something for me.  It’s not just some little crush or a simple ’hey I wanna fuck you’.”

“You’re smart.”

Is that all he had to say?

“I know I am.”

He started touching my left hand.  “Can I see your ring this time?”

“You can look at it, but you can’t take it off.”

“Never mind, then.”

I smirked.  “Marshall, why can’t you go pick up on some other chicks?”

“I don’t want any other chicks.”

I smiled at him.  “You’re cute.”

I thought I heard Randy calling my name, so I turned around and he was making his way toward Marshall and myself.

“I wasn’t expecting you to take this long.”  His speech was a little slurred.

“Are you drunk?”

“Only a little.  I feel kinda sick.”

“You wanna go home?”

“Yeah, just hold on.  I’ll be back in a minute.”

“Ok.”

He kissed me on the cheek and walked away again.

“Where do you think he’s goin’?

I shrugged my shoulders.  “Probably outside.”

“Outside?”

“Yeah, I think he’s gonna puke.”

“Can’t he just go to the bathroom?”

“He doesn’t like to puke in public restrooms.”

“That was way too much information.”

“You asked.”

“So, you know a bunch of useless shit about him?”

“How could I not?  I don‘t think there‘s a single thing that I don‘t know about him.”

“When are you gonna take the time to learn a bunch of useless shit about me?”

“Whenever you want me to, Marshall.”

Chapter 14


All right, before we get back into this…Can you guess what time it is?  That’s right!  It’s time for a little review…

Ok, first things first…I was doing a lot of thinking, and well, I don’t understand Marshall any better than he understands me.  So, what do I know about Marshall?  Pretty much the same things that everyone else knows.  Like, I know all about his success in the music industry, I know that he has a great relationship with his daughter, I know that he has a not so good relationship with his mother, and I know that his ex-wife is um…for lack of a better word…unstable.  But what does any of that tell me about his personality?  Let’s be honest here, I don’t know him at all.  He’s nice to me and everything, and he’s cool to be around, but that’s pretty much it.  Another thing I don’t understand is his feelings for me.  I know that he likes me, but why?  What have I done to become so appealing to him?  In my opinion…absolutely nothing.  And don’t get me wrong, ‘cause I think it’s obvious that I like him, too, but I don’t really understand why I like him.  I mean, sure I like his persistence, but how far can persistence really take you?  And why is he so damn persistent?  Marshall is charming and all, but I’ve got a ring on my finger…A ring that means a hell of a lot to me…

Well, that’s enough reviewing for now…

Randy was losing the battle against his hangover, and I thought it was the funniest thing.  He can be such a little girl sometimes…

“Jillian, could you get me some Tylenol?”

“Can’t you get your own Tylenol?”

“No.”

“Why not?”

“Because my head is killing me.  If I get up I might die.”

“Do you enjoy exaggerating?”

“Does it get on your nerves?”

“You know it does.”

“Then yes, I enjoy it.”

“Now I’m definitely not getting the medicine for you.  I hope your brain explodes inside of your skull and the remainder of it leaks out of your ears.”

“You don’t have to be a bitch, Jillian.  I’ll just get it myself.”

He went to get up, but I stopped him.

“I’ll get it for you, Randy.”

I took a look inside of the medicine cabinet and got Randy what he needed.  Then I went to the kitchen to get him a glass of water.

“Thank you, Jill.”

“You’re welcome.”

I know what you’re thinking.  You don’t have to say anything…

“I’m going upstairs, Randy.  Come get me if you need anything that doesn’t require sexual contact.”

I went upstairs and took a nap because I really needed it.  My life was getting to be way too complicated.  About two hours into my nap, Randy woke me up.

“Jillian…”

I rolled onto my back and looked up at him.

“No sex, Randy.”

“I came up here to give you your phone, dummy.”

“Who is it?”

“It’s Marshall.”

“It is?”

“Yeah, now take the fuckin’ phone.”  He handed it to me.

“What?”

“You don’t sound too happy.”

“I was sleeping.”

“Oh, so you probably won’t feel like comin’ to this fundraiser tonight, huh?”

“Fundraiser?”

“Yeah, Proof put the whole thing together.  It’s to raise money for Detroit Public Schools, and if you know anything about Detroit Public Schools, then…”

“I know plenty about public schools in Detroit.  They definitely need the money.”

“So, you wanna come?”

“How much is it?  I don’t have to dress up, do I?”

“It’s five hundred dollars a plate, and Proof put this thing together, so I don’t think you gotta dress up.”

“I don’t know.  I’ll talk to Randy about it, and call you back later.”

I tuned my phone off and tossed it across the room.

“What did he want?”

“Something about a fundraiser.”

“Fundraiser?  For what?”

“Public schools.”

“How come I didn’t know about it?”

“I think it’s a last minute thing.  Proof pulled the whole thing together.”

“Where’s it gonna be at?”

“I didn’t ask.  Why?  You wanna go?  Doesn’t your head still hurt?”

“I wouldn’t mind going.  My head feels a little better.”

At first, it didn’t really dawn on me, but then I thought about it.

“Randy, why would you wanna go?  Didn’t Marshall piss you off last night?”

“Yeah.  Who is he to say that I made you cry?  I’ve never made you cry, Jillian.”

“If you know you didn’t make me cry then why are you worried about it?”

“It’s a matter of principle.”

“So, it’s not a matter of having a guilty conscience?”

“Are you sayin’ that I made you cry?”

“No, that’s not what I’m saying.  I’m saying that maybe you think Marshall was right.  You think that you had a hand in making me cry.”

“But I didn’t?  Right?”

“Right.”

“Call him back and tell him we’re coming.”

Later that night we arrived at a banquet hall in Roseville, Michigan.  The fact that we were in Roseville to benefit Detroit kinda made me laugh, but anyways…

I saw Proof, so I grabbed Randy’s hand and went over to talk to him.

“What up, Jillian?”

“Hi, DeShaun.”  We shook hands then he looked at Randy.

“You takin’ good care of her, man?”

“I’m tryin’, but Jill mostly takes care of herself.  Sometimes I think I’m just along for the ride.  It’s a pretty good ride, though.”

Hmmm…that made me smile.

“That’s cool.  I appreciate you guys comin’.  I know this is kinda last minute, so I’m glad you could make it.”

“So, what made you decide to do this, DeShaun?”

“I was watchin’ the news the other day, and I saw all this shit about teachers getting’ laid off and there bein’ like up to forty fuckin’ kids in some classes.  The shit’s fuckin’ ridiculous, so I figured I could do my part.  Ya know?”

“That’s very thoughtful of you.  So, you put this whole thing together in a couple of days?”

“Yeah, I called everybody I know and pulled some strings to rent this place for the night.”

“That’s amazing.”  I looked up at Randy.  “How come you never do stuff like this?”

He looked down at me.  “The same reason you don’t.”

“Yo, you guys are funny.  Why don’t you go on and take a seat?  We’re gonna serve the food in a little while.”

“Ok, where should we sit?”

“Em and the rest of the crew are sittin’ over there.”  He pointed to the back of the room.  “You can go on and sit with them.”

“Alright, thanks.”

Randy and I began our walk to the back of the room.

“Jillian, I think we should consider moving away from Michigan.”

“Why?”

“There are far better places out there, sweetheart.”

“Can’t we talk about this later?”

“Yeah.  That‘s fine.”

We made it over to the table and I waved at everyone.

“Hi, guys.  How ya doin’?”

Kuniva smiled at me.  “We’re alright.”

“Excellent.”

Randy and I sat down and then Proof joined us all a few seconds later.

He started rubbing his hands together.  “Food’s comin’!”

Randy leaned over and started whispering in my ear.

“I gotta go take a piss, baby.  I’ll be back in a minute.”

I nodded my head, and he got up to go to the restroom.  Suddenly, Marshall decided to speak to me.

“What was he just sayin’?”

“Why are you being so nosy?”

“I’m just curious.”

“Why are you being so curious?”

“Can’t you just tell me what he said?”

“Fine, he said he had to pee.  Are you happy now?”

“I’ll be happy as long as you don’t decide to get up and go in there with him.”

I rolled my eyes.  “What’s with you?”

“If I would’ve known you were gonna bring him then I wouldn’t have asked you to come.”

“Why would you even assume that I would come without him?”

“Because I thought you had a backbone!”

Confusing…that’s all I can say…

“Em,” Bizarre stepped in.  “Chill out, man.  You ain’t gotta get mad at her.”

Marshall looked furious.  “Fuck this…”

“Fuck what, Marshall?”

“Fuck you, Jillian.”

Everyone at the table was telling him to calm down. 

“I ain’t gotta calm down.”  He was staring a hole through me.  “I’m sick of you wastin’ my fuckin’ time.”

“Marshall, you’re wasting your own time.”

“Bullshit.  You string me along like you wanna be with me, then you come around clingin’ to that asshole when you know that I fuckin’ hate it.  You know that it fuckin’ kills me.”

“Marshall, relax.”  Proof said.  “What do you expect from a twenty-one year old?  Let her live her life and learn from her mistakes.”

I looked at Proof.  “What mistakes?”

“The mistake that just went to the bathroom.”

I got out of my chair.  “You don’t know him.  That so-called mistake is the best thing to ever happen to me.”

I turned around and Randy was walking out of the bathroom.  I met him halfway and said, “I think we should leave.”

Proof came running up to us.  “You don’t hafta leave.  Everything’s cool.”

Randy looked confused.  “What happened, Jill?”

“Why don’t you ask Proof?”

Randy focused on him.  “Well?”

“Nothin’ happened, man.”

“Why would she wanna leave if nothing happened?”

“Maybe you should ask her?”

Randy put his full attention on me.  “Jillian?”

“Some people here seem to think that we shouldn’t be together, Randy.”

“What?  Who?”  He looked over at the table.  “Never mind.  I think I know who.”

He started to walk back over to the table, but I grabbed his arm.  “Don’t even think about it, Randy.  We don’t need to be on the news.”

I looked at Proof.  “It’s obvious that things aren’t cool, so we’re gonna go home.”

Randy put his arm around me and we walked out the front door.  I heard my name being called so I turned around.

“What do you want, Marshall?”

“Don’t go, Jillian.  Just don’t go yet.”

“Why shouldn’t I?”

Randy stepped in before Marshall could say anything.

“You’ve got a lot of nerve.  You think I don’t notice the fact that you wanna fuck my girlfriend!?  You think that I don’t notice the way you look at her!?  You’re lucky I trust her, because if I didn’t you wouldn’t even get the chance to be in the same room with her!  If anything, you owe me!”

Marshall looked at me.  “Jillian, your boyfriend’s lucky that I’ve got a daughter at home.”

“Why?  Were you gonna beat him up if you didn’t?”

Randy tried to take a step forward, but I put my arm out in front of him.  “Don’t move, Randall.”

“Jillian, I don’t know what it is about you, but I feel like I can’t leave you alone.”

Randy was balling up his fist.  “Ran, go wait in the car.  I’ll take care of it.”

I was more than just surprised when he actually listened to me.

“Marshall, what are you doing?”

“I don’t know, but I didn’t mean to say that shit to you a few minutes ago.”

“I think you did mean it, and I can understand why.”

“I’m sorry if I’m interfering in your life, Jillian, but I feel like I’ve gotta fight for you.”

“Why?”

“Because I think I might love you.”

Chapter 15


So, he *thinks* that he *might* love me, huh?  That is what he said, right?  Ok, I could definitely handle this…

“Why do you feel that way, Marshall?”

I’m pretty sure he was going to say something, but I didn’t even give him a chance.

“You’re sympathetic.  You feel this way because you’re sympathetic.”

“Jillian…”

“Let me finish, Marshall.” I thought about what I really wanted to say.  “You’re worried about me.  You’re under the impression that I’m not ok, and you feel like you have to be some kind of a hero.  You know what your problem is, Marshall?  You assume way too much.  You think that I’m this really nice girl trapped in a meaningless relationship with a complete asshole.  You’re always so quick to think that Randy has done something to hurt me, but truthfully, he’s the only person in my life that doesn’t drive me insane.  He’s the only person I know that won’t freak out on me and turn into something different.  He may not be the nicest guy in the world, but I can always count on him not to flip the script on me.”

“I just told you that I could love you and that’s what you say back to me?”

“Did you listen to a word I said?  You don’t love me, Marshall.  You feel bad.  That’s it.”

“How could you possibly know how I feel, Jillian?”

“You let me know how you feel every time I see you, Marshall.  Every time I look the least bit sad it’s ‘oh, what did Randy do this time?’  You wanna know the last time I was upset with Randy?  It was at Paris’ party.  I haven’t been mad at him since then.  But, you have it in your head that I’m being mistreated.  I don’t need you to be hero.  I don’t need you for anything.”

“You’re unbelievable, Jillian.”

“How am I unbelievable?”

“Are you listenin’ to yourself?  I think that pretty much explains it.”

“Ya know what?”

“What?”

“I’m gonna say the same thing you said to me a little while ago…Fuck you…”

I went to walk away, but he grabbed me.

“Why are you bein’ such a bitch?”

“I’d rather be a bitch than be weak, Marshall.  That is what you think of me.  You think I’m weak.”

“I don’t think that, Jillian.”

“You’re full of it.”

“Would you quit fightin’ with me?  I don’t think you’re weak.  Maybe a little misguided, but not weak…”

“Misguided?  So, I guess you know what’s best for me, huh?”

“I’m what’s best for you, Jillian.”

I let out a startled laugh.  “You’re what’s best for me, Marshall?  How do you figure?”

“If Randy were best for you, we wouldn’t be having this conversation right now.  I would’ve stopped talking to you a long time ago.  What are you afraid of?”

“I’m not afraid.  You want me to be afraid, though.”

“Why would I want you to be afraid?”

“Because it makes you feel better about where we stand.  You think I’m not with you because I’m afraid of starting over.  The only reason I’m not with you is because I don’t wanna be with you.”

There was complete silence and I could tell that I upset him.

“Jillian?”

“What?”

“You’re a fuckin’ liar.”

“A liar?”

“If you don’t wanna be with me, why are you sendin’ mixed signals?”

“Mixed signals?”

“Remember when Randy was in New York?”

“Yeah.”

“Didn’t you kiss me when you were at my house?”

I just nodded my head.

“And what about all those times when you basically said that you wanted to get to know me better?  What about those times you told me you liked me?  Did you forget about when you told me that you were afraid of change?  What are you tryin’ to pull here, Jillian?  Why do you keep playin‘ around with me?  You either want me or you don‘t.”

I took a deep breath.

“Jillian?  You alright?”

“No.”

“Why?”

“You make life difficult for me.”

“That’s not what I’m tryin’ to do.  If anything, I wanna make it easier for you.”

“I can kind of understand that, but…”

“But what?”

Babbling is something I tend to do when I don’t know what to say.  I usually talk about things that aren’t really relevant.  Or at least they don’t seem relevant at first.  For example, this isn’t gonna make much sense at first…Hell; it might not ever make sense.

“Losing my virginity hurt like hell.”

“What?”

“It hurt really fuckin’ bad.”

“Why are you tellin’ me this shit?”

“It didn’t just hurt the first couple of times, either.  It hurt the first five or six times.”

He looked really confused, but then curiosity got the best of him.

“The first five or six times?  Why?  You…uh…sensitive?  Are you sensitive when it comes to um…physical things?”

“No.  It’s just that Randy didn’t really show me any mercy.  I mean, I thought he was gonna fuckin’ kill me.  Physical pain usually doesn’t faze me, but I actually cried.  It hurt so bad that I cried.”

“You cried?”

“Yeah.  I cried during the whole thing and I cried afterwards, too.”

“Jill, you‘re startin’ to scare me.”

I smiled.  “So, you probably really think that Randy’s an asshole now, right?  You think that he should’ve been gentle?”

“Of course.”

“Well, you can’t blame Randy for that.”

“Are you tryin’ to make a point?”

“Randy didn’t show me any mercy because I didn’t want it.  It may seem like he’s being an ass, but he’s really just giving me what I want.”

“Jillian, you’re-”

“A whore?  I know.”

“That’s not what I was gonna say.  I was gonna say that you’re slightly complicated.  Why do you think you’re a whore?  You’re not startin’ to believe you’re dad?”

“I haven’t really given my dad much thought lately.  I’m just realizing that there’s really not any other word to describe me when it comes to my behavior.  I know I’ve only been with one guy and I’ve never had sex for money, but the way I like it doesn’t say the best things about me.”

“How do you like it?”

“Rough.”

“I guess I should’ve known.”

“You wanna see something?”

He didn’t even hesitate.  “Yeah.  What is it?”

I lifted my skirt up a little, and pointed to a bruise on my inner thigh.  “See that?”

“Uh-huh.  Yep.  I see it.”

I put my skirt back down. 

“Randy did that the other day.  He was giving me what I wanted.”

“Jillian, I still don’t understand this.”

“You wouldn’t do that, Marshall.  I can’t even imagine you feeling comfortable with putting a bruise on me.  You seem like the type to light candles and go all out with the romantic shit, but that’s not what I want.”

“Um…shit…I don’t know what to say.”

“Still think you might love me?”

“Honestly…yes.”

“Look, Marshall.  Don’t think that I don’t feel something for you because I do.  It’s just that…well…I think I might love you, too.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah, but I’m not in love with you.  Ok?”

“It’s ok.  I’m not in love with you, either.  But, don’t be surprised if it turns into that.  I don’t want you to flip out on me, again.”

“Alright.”  I was looking down at the sidewalk.  “I guess I should go.  I’m surprised Randy didn’t come back to get me yet.”

I think I spoke too soon because right after I said that, Randy came walking from the parking lot that was located in the back of the building.

“Jillian, are you done?”

“I’m done, Ran-Ran.”

“Well, get your pretty ass in the car so we can go.”

I waved goodbye to Marshall and was so relieved when I got in the car.

“So, what was he sayin’ to you, Jillian?”

“It’s really not important.”

“Not important, huh?  Then what took you so long?”

“He likes me Randy.  I feel guilty.”

“Why would you have a reason to feel guilty?”

“Because he’s wasting his time.”

“That’s his problem, not yours.”

“I still feel bad.”

“You shouldn’t.”  He didn’t say anything for a few minutes.  “Jillian?”

“What?”

“You think we could talk about moving now?”

Chapter 16

I’m sure you wanna know what’s up with the whole moving thing, but we’re gonna have to wait to discuss that.

Four days had passed since the fundraiser ordeal and Randy had been out of town for the last two days.  Where was he?  In Los Angeles. Why?  Well, I didn’t really know at the time.  He sorta refused to tell me.  We’ll get back to that at a later time, though.  We’ve got other things to talk about right now.

The house was sickeningly quiet and I was on the verge of bursting into tears due to my loneliness.  I figured the best thing to do was call my mother, so that’s what I did. 

Mom showed up about an hour and half after I called her and she gave me the craziest look when I came to the door.

“Jillian!?”  She looked like she was going into shock.  “What happened honey?!  You look like you have an infectious disease!”

“What are you talking about?”

“You’re neck, sweetheart.  What’s wrong with it?  Are you breaking out?”

“Those are hickey’s, Mom.”

They did look kinda bad, but…whatever.

“Hickey’s?!  Jillian, you look like a leopard!  Why would you let Randy do that?  How come you’re not trying to cover them up?”

“Because I don’t care, Mom.  Nobody’s gonna see them, anyways.  I’m not going anywhere.”

I noticed she had a plastic bag in her hand.  “What’s that?”

She walked all the way into the house and sat on the sofa.  I closed the front door, and sat with her.  She reached into the bag, pulled out a box, and handed it to me.

“Hair dye?  You want me to dye your hair for you?”

“No, I wanna dye your hair for you.”

“Why?”

“You’re so plain, Jillian.  It’s time to liven things up.  I think you’d make a great redhead.”

“A redhead?  Mom, I don’t think I’d look very good with red hair.”  I examined the box.

“It’s a really dark red, Jillian.  It’ll look great on you.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yes, I’m sure.  Are you forgetting that you had pink hair before? A natural red won’t be bad at all.”

“Alright, I’ll do it.”

Yep, that’s right, I’m a redhead now…

After the whole hair dying experience, I sat with my mom to talk.

“So, what’s with the hickey’s, Jillian?  They seem like they were made with a lot of effort.”

“You have no idea.”

My mom started to giggle.  “Do they hurt?”

“My neck is a little sore, but other than that they’re fine.  I almost forgot I had them until you started flipping out.”

“Did he do that for a particular reason?”

“Do what?”

“Give you those marks, goofball.”

“Um, I think he was just marking his territory before he left.”

“Hmmm…”  She rubbed her chin.  “I don’t know what to say about that.”

“Don’t say anything, Mom.”

“Why is he out in California, anyways?”

“I don’t know.  He wouldn’t tell me.”

“Jillian, he’s been out in California for two days and he hasn’t given you a reason why?”

“As long as he calls me I really don’t care why he’s there.”

“When is he coming back?”

“In a few days.”

“How have things been with you two, Jillian?”

“Fine, I guess.  Pretty much the same as it always is.”

But, of course things weren’t really the same as they always were.

“I’ve got a problem, Mom.”

“A problem?  Like what?”

“I love Randy.”

“That’s a problem?”

“Yes, it is.  I love Randy to death, but Marshall is starting to have an effect on me.”

“You still talk to him?”

“Yeah.  It’s like, I know Marshall thinks that I’m playing around with him, but I’m not.”

“You didn’t sleep with him, did you?”

I shook my head.  “No, I didn‘t.”

“So what’s going on?”

“One minute I’m telling him that I like him then the next minute I’m giving him the cold shoulder.  He keeps telling me that I’m afraid of him, and at first I sort of agreed, but now I’m denying it.  I don’t know what I’m doing, Mom.  He’s a good person as far as I know, but I don’t really know a lot.  Like, I know about the whole Eminem thing, but I don’t know much else.  And, he told me that he might love me, and not to be surprised if he falls *in* love with me, but I don’t know how I would handle that…”

“He said that he might love you?  What did you say?”

“I told him the same thing.”

“Did you mean it?”

“Yeah, and it really scares me.  You’d be amazed, Mom.  It’s just so easy to wanna go along with him, and I’m really doing my best to fight it.”

“Why are you fighting it?”

“I have Randy.”

“Jillian, don’t get me wrong, honey.  I think Randy is the cutest thing.  You and him have always been at each other’s sides, and I know that it would be extremely difficult to let something like that go.  But, if you think that someone else might take his place it’s probably a good idea to get away from him for a little while.  Take a break.”

“I don’t want a break, Mom.”

“You know what, Jillian?  You don’t know what you want.”

“Yes, I do.  I want my life to be tolerable, again.  I’m about ready to kill myself.”

“Don’t say that, Jill.  Have you talked to Randy about any of this?”

“No!  He’d kill me!”

“Jillian, did you really think you could go through your whole entire life with Randy, and not ever want to be with someone else?”

“Yeah.  Is that stupid?”

“No, it’s not stupid, sweetie.  It is naïve, though.”

“Naïve?”

“Jill, you’ve known Randy since you were seven.  You started messing around with him when you were fifteen, and you lost your virginity to him when you were eighteen.  As far as I know you were never with anyone else, right?”

“Right.”

“What do you think Randy did when he was away at school, Jillian?”

“We’ve never talked about it, but I’m pretty sure that he had his share of experiences.”

“Don’t you think that’s a little unfair?  You’re gonna be stuck wondering what’s it’s like to be with other people when he doesn’t even have to think about it.”

“I guess that’s true, but I was really young, and it’s not like I was his girlfriend back then.  I was just the girl that climbed through his window whenever he was home.  If I were officially involved with him at that time we wouldn’t be talking about this right now.”

“When did you and Randall make it official?”

“After he took my virginity.”

“Didn’t he go back to finish school shortly after that?

“Yeah.  So?”

“You think he was faithful while he was away at school?”

“I’d bet my life.”

“You would?”

“Yeah, I would.  Why?  You think he cheated on me?”

“I don’t know.”

“Mom, are you trying to make me worry myself half to death?”

“No, I’m only trying to help you figure things out, Jillian.”

I tucked my newly red hair behind my ears.

“After Randy went back to school, he came home every other weekend to be with me.  It’s not like he was going through the whole school year without getting any from me.  He wouldn’t have had any excuse to cheat.”

“I’m sorry I brought it up, Jill.  Try not to obsess over it.  Ok?”

“Ok.”

“Look, I think I should be going.  Your father might have a stroke if I stay out for too long.”

“You say that like it’s a bad thing.”

“Don’t talk that way, Jillian.  Your dad loves you.  He just has a really bad way of showing it.”

She gave me a hug.  “I’ll see you later.”

“Bye, Mom.”

My mom left and I was lonely again, so I left the house.  Can you guess where I went?

“Jillian?  What are you doin’ here?  You dyed your hair?  What the fuck happened to your neck?”

“I’m here to see you.  Yeah, I dyed my hair earlier.  You don’t wanna know what happened to my neck.  I meant to put something over the marks before I came over, but I guess it slipped my mind.  Sorry.”

“It’s alright.”  He invited me into the house and shut the door.

“Hailie home?”

“No, she went to some birthday party/sleepover thing.”

“Oh.  So, what have you been up to?”

“Nothin’ much.”

“This conversation isn’t going anywhere, is it?”

“Doesn’t seem like it.”

“Uh…can I use your bathroom?”

“Yeah.  Go ahead.”

“Thank you.”

I just went in there to clear my head a little and I came back out about two minutes later.  When I walked into the living room Marshall was sitting on the sofa.

“Where’s Randy at?”

“L.A.”

“Oh, yeah?”

I nodded.

“What’s he doin’ there?”

“I don’t know, Marshall.”

“Didn’t he tell you?”

“No.”

“Why not?”

“How am I supposed to know?”

“You think he’s fuckin’ somebody else?”

“No, but you’d probably like that, huh?”

“Not necessarily.  I don’t think I would like anything that hurt you.”

“How do you do it, Marshall?”

“Do what?”

“Put up with me.”

He shrugged his shoulders.  “I have no idea.  I guess you’re worth it.”

“Hmmm…”  Yeah, you guessed it.  I didn’t really know how to respond to that.

“Hey, you still got that bruise?”

“Uh-huh.  It doesn’t really seem to be fading.”

“Can I see it again?”

“You really wanna see it?”

“Yeah, that would be nice.  Is it just me or do you always wear skirts?”

“I *always* wear skirts.  Well, except during the winter in Michigan.  I’d freeze my ass off!”

He laughed.  “Are you gonna show me that bruise again or what?”

“Oh, sorry.”  I thought for a second.  “Are you gonna stand up?  ‘Cause I’m not gonna stand here and lift my skirt while you sit there.”

“Alright, alright.  I’ll stand up.”  He stood.  “Ok, let’s see it.”

Once again, I was lifting my skirt and showing off the mark.

“Just how exactly did he do that?”

“I don’t know.  I wasn’t paying attention.”

He burst out laughing.  “You weren’t payin’ attention!?  How could you not pay attention?!”

“Why are you laughing?  That’s not what I meant to say.  I was paying attention, but I’m just really not sure what he did to do that.  I don’t know.”

He sat back down on the couch and I continued to stand.

“Ya know you can sit down if you want, Jillian.”

“I know, but I don’t know if you want me to sit there.”

“Sit where?  On the couch?  Why would I not want you to sit here?”

“Marshall, I don’t ever want you to be angry with me.”

“I couldn’t be mad at you if I tried.”

“Really?”

“Yeah, now sit down before you start to freak me out.”

“Do I do that a lot?  Freak you out?”

“More than I’d like you to, but it’s not your fault.  Are you gonna sit down or what?”

“Yeah.” 

I straddled him and wrapped my arms around his neck before resting my head on his shoulder.

“What’s wrong, Jillian?”

“Nothing at the moment.”

He was running his hands up and down my back.

“What made you change your hair?”

“You’ve got me moving in a circle.”

“You do shit to your hair when things are hectic?”

“Um, sort of.  I had pink hair for about a week when I was a teenager.  I dyed it because I was frustrated.  I would have kept it longer, but my dad hated it, so I had no choice but to dye it black again.  Then my mom came over earlier, and at first I wasn’t gonna do it, but I thought about it, and things are kinda hectic, so I figured ‘what the hell?’  ‘Why not?’”

“Your neck looks like it hurts.”

“It’s fine.  They’re just hickeys.”

“I know, but…”

“What?”

“They looked forced.”

“They do?”

“Uh-huh, they weren’t forced were they?”

“No, Randy’s just a biter.  That’s all.  I guess part of it is bruising.”

“Damn, Jillian.”

“What’s the matter?”

“I don’t want you to get up.”

“Huh?”

“You’re sittin’ on me like this, and I don’t want you to get up.”

He started running his fingers through my hair.  “You sure you like it rough?”

“Does it matter?”  I still had my head on his shoulder.

“I don’t know.  Does it?”

“It probably matters to you, huh?”

“I guess so.”

“Well, whatever matters to you matters to me.  So, yeah I’m sure.”

“What if I don’t wanna give it to you that way?”

“That’s irrelevant.”

“Why?”

“Because we’re not gonna sleep together.”

“How do you know that?”

“I just do.”

“You sure your neck doesn’t hurt?”

“It’s kinda sore.”

“Can I make it better for you?”

“How are you gonna do that?”

He didn’t say anything.  “Marshall?”

“Hold on a second.  I’m tryin’ to figure out which spot looks like it would hurt the most.  You wanna move your head so I can see the other side?”

I put my head down on the opposite shoulder.

“This side looks a lot worse than the other one, Jillian.”  He paused for a minute.  “Especially right here.”

“Right where?”

He placed a light kiss on my neck.

“Marshall, don’t do that.”

“Why not?”  He continued to kiss me.

“You’re gonna get me in trouble.”

“No, I’m not.  I’m just makin’ you feel better.”

“You’re doin’ a good job.”

He stopped and I lifted my head up.

“Oh, yeah?”

“Yeah.”

“Well, um…what about that bruise on your thigh?  Does that one hurt?  Is it sore?  ‘Cause I could help you with that one, too.”

I kissed his chin.  “That one doesn’t really bother me, but I’ll let you know if it starts to.”

“You promise?”

“I promise.”  I put my head back down on his shoulder.

“You’re not gonna turn on me when Randy comes back, are you?”

“No, I can’t turn on you, Marshall.  I love you.”

He kissed my neck again.  “I think I love you more.”

Chapter 17

Another two days had passed and I hadn’t talked to Marshall.  Funny how you can tell someone you love him or her, and then not keep in contact…

During those two days I was doing a lot of writing and composing.  My ass was practically glued to the piano bench.

I was definitely ready to get out of the house again.  My hiatus was good for a while, but I wanted to get back out in the public eye.  I wanted to go on talk shows, do photo shoots, and perform for big audiences.  You can only stay away for so long before you want to dive right back into it.

I finished a little work on this epic song that I was writing and decided to go to bed.  After all, it was two in the morning.

By 3 am, I was waking up again.  Not because I wanted to go and write more, but because I felt something and the bedroom light was on…

I realized that I was on my back and I could feel all this weight on me.  I would’ve freaked out, but I know that weight from anywhere.  I’ve felt that exact same weight for years…

I wrapped my arms and legs around him.

“Randy?”

“Huh?”

“I thought you weren’t coming back until tomorrow afternoon.”

“I got an earlier flight.  I missed you.”

“I missed you, too.”

“So, what did you do while I was gone?”

“My mom came over and spent some time with me the other day and I went to see Marshall.”

“That all you did?”

“I’ve been doing a lot of writing.”

“I can tell.  Your sheet music is laying all over the house.”

“How was L.A.?”

“It was alright.  I saw Paris while I was there.”

“Yeah?  How is she?”

“The same.  I told her about our engagement.”

“She’s mad at me, isn’t she?”

“She can’t believe you didn’t call her and tell her.”

“Shit, I’d better call her later.”

“What did you do when you went to see Marshall?”

“Nothing.  We talked for a few minutes.  That’s about it.  What did you do the whole time you were in L.A.?”

“Well, I didn’t dye my hair red.  What made you do that?”

I’m surprised he didn’t ask me about that first.

“My mom thought it was a good idea.  Why?  You don’t like it?”

“Are you kidding me?  You look hot!”

I started laughing.  “Thanks.  Are you gonna answer my question now?”

“I was benefiting our future while I was in L.A.”

“How were you doing that?”

“You gotta let me get up so I can show you.”

I let him up and he walked across the room to go through his luggage.  He was throwing things across the room struggling to find whatever it was that he was looking for.

“Got it.”

I sat up against the headboard and he handed me a picture.  I looked at it for a few seconds.

“Whose house is this?”

“Ours.”

“What?  Ours?”

“You like it?”

“It looks fuckin’ huge!  Did you buy it?  How much was it?”

“Yeah, I bought it.  Seven million dollars.”

“Wait…you bought a house in L.A.!?”

He nodded.

“Randy!?”

“What?  I thought you liked the house.”

“I do, but I’m not sure if I wanna move out to California.”

“Ok, just don’t worry about it for now.  You can think about it, and if you don’t wanna move then we’ll sell the house or maybe keep it so we can have somewhere to stay when we’re away on business in L.A.”

Actually, I didn’t wanna move at all, but I wasn’t gonna tell Randy that after he just spent four days in California purchasing a seven million dollar house.

Anyways, there will be more about that soon…

Later that day I was back at the piano with my hands on the keys and a stack of paper and a pen next to me so that I could take notes.

“Jill, you don’t have to write so much at one time.”

“I can’t help it, Randy.”

The phone started ringing and Randy went to answer it.  Five minutes later, he came back and told me that it was for me.  My fingers left the piano, and I took the phone from him.

“Hello?”

“Jillian, have you been enjoying your vacation?”

“Yes, Dave.”

Dave is my manager/agent.  He takes good care of me while I’m in the spotlight.

“Are you ready to end that vacation?”

“Yeah.  You got something for me?”

“How does Vegas sound?”

“It depends on what Vegas has to offer.”

“Are you willing to do a show?”

“I’d love to do a show!”

“How does a two hour concert special sound?”

“That sounds hot!  When do I do it?!”

“In two weeks.  Everything’s put together, you’re just the last piece of the puzzle.”

“I would have to rehearse.”

“I booked a flight to Vegas for you.  It leaves tomorrow morning.”

“Ok.”

He told me everything that I needed to know and I was ecstatic when I hung up the phone.

“What are you so excited about?”

“Pack your bags, Randy.”

“Why?”

“We’re goin’ to Vegas!”

I don’t think it was Las Vegas that I was excited about.  I was really anxious to perform again.  God, I don’t know how I went so long without it.

The first week there was great.  I had the time of my life during rehearsals, and I was thrilled when I heard that some celebrities were coming to the show.

Still, I didn’t really understand why I was doing a show in Las Vegas.  I mean, my style isn’t really fit for Vegas.  I think it’s a place made for flashier performers, and I’m nowhere near flashy.  I play my piano and I sing.  That’s it.  I don’t even do costume changes.  I sit at the piano in jeans and sneakers and concentrate on the music.

So, you wanna know where I was performing?  Caesars Palace.  Where was I staying?  The Las Vegas Hilton.  Yep, I’ve gotta support my favorite heiress and her family.  Not that they need it, but I still like to think that I’m helping.

Anyways, I wrapped up another day of rehearsals and Randy and I went back to the hotel.

“I don’t know why you have such long rehearsals.  It’s not like you’re putting on this elaborate show with dancers and trapeze artists.”

“You don’t have to come to the rehearsals, Ran.”

“Yeah, I do.  What kind of fiancé would I be if I didn’t?”

“I wouldn’t be mad if you didn’t.  It’s not a big deal.”

“You say that now, but you’d throw a fit if I said I didn’t feel like going.”

“No, I wouldn’t.”

“Yes, you would.”

“No, I wouldn’t.”

“Yes, you would.”

“Ok, I would.”

“I know.”

I rolled my eyes at him.  “I really wouldn’t.”

“You can be so annoying.”

“I can be annoying?”

“You have a squeaky voice and it gets worse when you’re trying to prove a point.”

He’s right, my voice has this little squeak to it, but I never really thought that it was annoying.

“Thank you for pointing out my faults, Randy.  It’s funny how you find mine faster than you find your own.”

“What are you talkin’ about, Jillian?  I’m just messin’ with you.  Why are you gettin’ so worked up?”

“I’m sorry, Ran.  I don’t know what my problem is.”

“Are you pregnant?”

“What?!  Pregnant?!  No!”

“You’ve been having these weird mood swings.”

“So?”

“So, that’s just the first thing that popped in my head.”  He shrugged his shoulders.

I tucked my hair behind my ears.

“Could you imagine us as parents?”

“Yeah.”

“You can?”

He nodded.  “Yeah, but not right now.  I can see it happening in a few years, though.”

“Hmm…”

“What?”

“Nothing.  You just surprise me sometimes.”

“Did you figure out the order of your set list yet?”

“No, I won’t worry about that until the night before.  That’s usually the best time to figure it out.”

The night before the show rolled around and I was sitting in the hotel room figuring out the set list.  It only took me about ten minutes.  After two weeks of practice, I had an idea of how I really wanted things to go.

I left the room to meet Randy downstairs in the casino and saw him talking to a tall and skinny blonde.  I practically ran over to them.

“Paris!”

She turned away from Randy.  “Jillian!”

We did this really girly hug thing and jumped up and down a few times.

“I gotta see your ring!”

I put my hand out in front of her and she was examining it closely.

“Nice job, Randy.  I always thought you were a cheap bastard, but I guess I was wrong.”

“Gee, thanks Paris.”

“You’re welcome!”

“So, I hope to see you at my show tomorrow night, Paris.”

“I’ll be in the front row.”

“Yay!”

We were giggling like grade school girls.

“Jillian, I’m gonna go back to our room.”  He gave me a quick kiss.

“Ok.”

I watched him walk away and then looked back at Paris.

“What happened with Em?

“Huh?”

“What happened with Em, Jill?  You’re so cute when you’re around him.”

“When I’m around Marshall?”

“Yeah.  Are you guys friends or anything?  Do you talk?”

“Um, I went to see him a few days before I came here.”

“That’s hot.”

I started laughing.  I love it when she says that.

“Well, I wouldn’t call it hot, Paris.”

“Why not?  Any time spent with him has gotta be hot.  Do you ever look at him?”

“Yeah, I look at him.”

“You’re so lucky, Jill.  You’ve got a hot fiancé and a hot guy on the side.”

“I don’t have a guy on the side.”

She nudged me.  “Sure ya don’t.”

I was laughing again.  “Why would you think that I’ve got Marshall on the side?”

“’Cause he goes everywhere that you go.”

“No, he doesn’t.”

“Yeah, he does.”

“No, he doesn’t.”

“Then why is he here?”

“Why is he where?”

“Here.”

“He isn’t here.”

“Yes, he is.  I saw him earlier.”

“You’ve gotta be kidding me!”

She shook her head.  “Nope, I saw him, Jill.  I said ‘hi’ to him and everything.”

I talked to Paris for a few more minutes but then she had to leave.  We hugged goodbye and she promised that she would be at my show the next night.

I walked through the casino with about ten billion different thoughts running through my head.

When my mind gets going, it’s hard for me to concentrate on my surroundings.  I have a history of running into or getting hit with things.  This time I ran into something or I guess I should say someone.

“Fifty!?”

How often do you run into 50 Cent?

“What up, Jillian?  You alright?”

“Yeah, I’m fine.  How are you?”

“Good.  Doin’ better then some other people.”

“Like who?”

“Guess.”

I shrugged my shoulders.  “The homeless?”

“Well, them too.  But, I was talkin’ about Em.”

“What’s wrong with him?”

“You’re what’s wrong wit him.”

I put my hand over my forehead.  “Don’t start with this.  I really don’t wanna hear it.”

“Why?”

“I’m under enough stress right now.  I don’t need this shit.”

“What’s stressin’ you out?”

“What isn’t?  I’ve got a huge show tomorrow, Randy wants to move to California, I’m marrying Randy, my dad thinks I’m a whore, and Marshall loves me.”

He started laughing.

“It’s not funny, Curtis.”

He put his arm around me.  “I’m sorry.”  He stood there for a few minutes.  “What did you just say about your dad?”

“I’m surprised Marshall didn’t tell you about it.  It’s a long story.  A long story that I don’t really feel like telling.  If you wanna know just ask Marshall.  He has my permission to tell you all about it.”

“Alright.  Look, I’ll talk to you later.  I wanna play some Blackjack.”

We shook hands and he left before I could tell him bye.

I figured I could finally make my way back up to my room but someone else managed to see me.

“Hi, Jillian.”

“Hi, Marshall.”

“You doin’ ok?”

“Yep.  You?”

“I’ve been better.”

“But you’re not like sad or upset, are you?”

He shook his head.  “No, I wouldn’t say that.  Where were you just goin‘?”

“Back to my room.”

“Randy up there?”

“Yep.”

You wouldn’t believe how tense I felt if I did my absolute best to describe it.  I swear I thought I was gonna pass out.

“You still love me, Jill?”

I was looking down at his shoes.  “I haven’t really given it much thought.”

“You haven’t?”

I was still looking down.  “Not really.”

“What are you lookin’ at?”

“Your shoes.”

“Why can’t you look me in the face?”

I lifted my head and focused on his face.  “That better?”

“Yeah.”

“Why are you here, Marshall?”

“I heard about your show and I wanted to see it.”

“Why?”

“Because I love you and I wanna see you every chance I get.”

“So, you’ve given it a lot of thought?”

“I don’t have to think about it all the time to know how I feel.  Why haven’t you kept in touch with me?”

“Why haven’t you kept in touch with me?”

“I know that you’re still scared, Jillian.  I guess I was lettin’ you figure this shit out.”

“I’m not scared.”

“No?”

“No.  I’m not afraid of anything.  Not even you.”

“I don’t believe you.”

“That’s too bad, because I’m telling the truth.”

“What were you gonna do when you got up to your room?”

I grinned at him.  “I was gonna lay down and let Randy fuck me until I passed out.”

He looked mad.

“Don’t look at me like that, Marshall.  I’m only telling you what you wanna hear.”

“What makes you think I wanna hear that?”

“Why else would you ask me a question like that?  I think you like it when I tell you that kinda stuff.”

“Yeah?”

“Yep.”

“And why is that?”

I shrugged.  “I don’t know.  That’s just what I think.”

We were quiet for a while and I thought about walking away.  I was really close to doing it when he started to talk again.

“Jillian?”

“What?”

“You’re beautiful.”

“Huh?”

“You heard me.  You’re beautiful, you’re smart, and you can be funny when you wanna be.  I’ve got these deep feelings for you, and I’ve had them since the day we met.  I’ll admit that I was tryin’ to save you when we first started out, but now I know that you can take care of yourself.  I’m not stupid.  I know you love Randy and nothin’ I do is gonna change it, but I’m doin’ my best to see why you love him, Jillian.”

I frowned.  “Marshall, you’re so sweet.  It’s almost scary how sweet you are.”

“I can see why Randy would love you.”

“Yeah?”

“He’s lucky, Jillian.”

I nodded my head.  “He is, huh?”

“I wanna be lucky, too.”

“Marshall…”

“He’s so fuckin’ lucky.  I mean, look at you, Jillian.  You’re so fuckin’ pretty it’s almost ridiculous.  You’re a good person.  Sure, you’re a little complicated, but you’re still nice.  You mean well…”

“Marsh-”

“And judging by the way he acts you’ve gotta be the best fuck a guy could ever have.”

“Marshall!”

“It’s true, Jill.  Just think about it.”

I giggled.  “I don’t wanna think about it.”

“I wasn’t tryin’ to make you laugh when I said that, I’m serious.”  He looked around the room and then looked back at me.  “Are you a good fuck?”

I gave him a weird look.  “Marshall, you’re startin’ to freak me out.”

“Sorry.”

“It’s ok.”

“You wanna answer my question?”

“I would, but I don’t know the answer.”

“You don’t know if you’re good or not?”

I shook my head.  “I think it would be quite egotistical of me to stand here and tell you that I’m a good lay.”

“So, you are good?”

“Can we not talk about this?”

Things got quiet again and I felt so awkward.  I thought I was gonna die.

“You haven’t thought about me, Jillian?”

I was looking down at his shoes again.  “No.”

“You’re a bad liar.”

I looked back up.  “I know.”

“We can’t do this forever.”

“I know that, too.”

“Do you love me or not?”

“I do love you, but…”

“No buts, Jillian.”

“Marshall, I can’t help that I’m with someone that I don’t wanna leave.  Do you have any idea how hard this is for me?”

“We’re never gonna be together, are we?”

“Never say never, Marshall.”

“Don’t fuck around with me, Jillian.”

“I’m not fucking around.”

“Yeah, you are.  You’re sayin’ to never say never, but you’re only sayin’ it because you feel like you’ll be hurtin’ me if you say what you really wanna say to me.”

“What do I really wanna say to you, Marshall?”

“You wanna say that you’ve got that stupid ring on your finger and that you’re marryin’ Randy because you love him.”

I didn’t say anything.

“That’s what I thought.”

I just stood there looking at him.

“Jillian?  Are you gonna cry?”

I could feel my eyes watering.  “Maybe.”

“I’m sorry.  I didn’t mean to upset you.”

“It’s ok.  I think I’m upsetting myself.  It’s not you.”

“You sure?”

“Yeah.  I’m sure.”

“No, you’re not.”  He put his hand on my face.  “Jillian it’s ok if you’re confused.  I don’t care anymore.  You can be confused for the rest of your life.  I just wanna be around you.”

“I love you, Marshall.”

“I know you do, Jillian.”

NOTE: the beautifully gifted Tori Amos provided the lyrics in this chapter.  Thank you, Tori…

Chapter 18

When I was fourteen, I had a friend with an older brother that had a crush on me.  Her brother was twenty at the time…

I got bored one Saturday and went to her house, but she wasn’t home.  Her brother was the only one there.  The thing is, I didn’t know that at first.  I walked into the house thinking that she was there.  Turns out it was just me and her brother…I hated her brother…

When I realized she wasn’t there I tried to leave, but he decided that he wanted to touch me.  Only certain people are allowed to touch me.  You have to earn your right to touch me…

I punched him in the face, and then he retaliated by pushing me down.  He tried to get on top of me, but I kicked him in the nuts, got up, and left.  On my way out I said, “You’re gonna be in trouble.”  This may not sound too dramatic, but that’s because it wasn’t.  I was calm the whole time.  Sure, I was pissed off, but I remained calm.

Now when I said that he was “gonna be in trouble” I didn’t mean that I was gonna tell my parents or call the authorities…

I didn’t even go to my house; I skipped over it and went next door to talk to Randy.  By the time I got there, I was visibly angered.  I was red in the face and my eyes were watery.  I cry when I’m angry.

Randy didn’t know what to think when he answered his door.  He was asking me all kinds of questions, and finally he let me talk so I could tell him what happened.  He flipped out and demanded to know where the guy lived.  Instead of just telling him, I decided to show him.  We went back over there together and all hell broke loose.

I stood at Randy’s side while he knocked on the door and my friends’ brother answered it after a few minutes.  He came to the door and stepped outside.  I had a bad feeling, so I moved out of the way.  Finally, Randy simply asked, “Did you touch her?”  Before he could get an answer he was beating the guys face in.  He fell over and Randy got on top of him and just kept punching him.  There was blood everywhere…you wouldn’t believe how much.  I stood there and let Randy hit him for what felt like forever, but after a while I figured it was best that I pull Ran away from him.  I was trying my hardest and screaming, “Randy, stop!” but he wouldn’t fuckin’ budge.  Finally, I used all my strength and got Randy off of him.  I fell on my ass in the process, but I really didn’t care.  Randy was red and sweaty and he looked so damn pissed.  I’ve never seen anyone look so mad.

He helped me off the ground and some of the blood that was on his hands got on me.  I looked down at my friends’ brother and he was squirming around.  Blood was coming out of his nose and it looked awfully bad.  Randy put his hand on my face and asked, “You alright?”  I nodded, and he said, “Ok.  Let’s go.”  I went back to his house with him and we nearly slept together that day.  I’m pretty sure we would’ve if my mother didn’t come over there looking for me.  When I came out of the house I still had blood on me.  It was mostly on my face and legs.  My mother freaked out and after she calmed down I told her what happened.  We never did tell my dad about it.  Knowing my dad he would’ve said, “That’s what happens when you dress like that.”  He always thought my skirts were too short…but, anyways…I stayed away from my friends’ house, and her brother never did anything to try and get back at Randy.  I’m not really sure why.  Maybe he was scared?  Or maybe he was a little ashamed of the fact that he got his ass kicked by a 17-year-old?

Was there really any point in me telling you that story?  Sure, there was.  There’s *always* a point.  Hopefully, you’ll be able to figure out what that point is.  It could make you think a lot of things.  There really are no wrong answers.

So, back to Las Vegas…

My show was starting in thirty minutes and I was so fuckin’ happy.  I had spent the whole entire day doing interviews and I was so ready to get to the stage.  I was sitting backstage with Randy when someone came back to wish me luck.  Yeah, you guessed it.  It was Marshall…

“I just came to tell you good luck, Jillian.”

I started to thank him, but I didn’t get a chance to.  Randy cut me off.

“Who let you back here?”

Marshall looked like he was gonna blow his top, but I honestly didn’t want any trouble between them.

“Don’t be so mean, Randy.”  I looked away from him and smiled at Marshall before saying, “Thank you.”

“You’re welcome.”  He shook my hand and walked away.

When he was out of sight I turned towards Randy.  “What’s wrong with you?”

“I fuckin’ hate him, Jillian.”

“You do?”

“Don’t act like you didn’t know that.  Do you expect me to like someone who wants to fuck my wife?”

Don’t ask me why Randy referred to me as his wife…

“He doesn’t wanna fuck me, Randy.”

“Bullshit.  Why does he follow you everywhere you fuckin’ go?”

“He doesn’t follow me.  It’s merely coincidence.”

“That’s bullshit, too.  Him being in Vegas is not a coincidence.”

“Ok, you’re right about that.”

“I know I am.”

Showtime came around and I went out to the stage and sat at my piano.  I scanned the audience and Paris was the first person I saw.  I also spotted Marshall and Curtis sitting together.  Randy was also in the crowd.  He was sitting next to Paris.  The rest of the seats were mostly filled with young women with multi-colored hair.  That’s just the sort of audience I attract.  The people who listen to my music are known to think really deep thoughts and dye their hair purple.

I was randomly hitting some of the piano keys and talking to the crowd at the same time.  I told them how much I missed performing and then I went for it.  The first song I did was “Honey”.

\\A little dust never stopped me none, he liked my shoes I kept them on
Sometimes I can hold my tongue, and sometimes not
When you just skip-to-loo my darlin’
And you know what you’re doin, so don’t even…

You’re just too used to my honey now
You’re just too used to my honey

And I think I could leave your world if she was the better girl
So when we died I tried to bribe the undertaker
‘Cause I’m not sure what you’re doin’ or the reasons

You’re just too used to my honey now
You’re just too used to my honey

Don’t bother coming down
Made a friend of the Western sky
Don’t bother coming down
You always like your Babies tight

Turn back one last time
Love to watch those cowboys ride
But cowboys know that cowgirls ride on the Indian side
And you know what you’re doin’, so don’t even…

You’re just too used to my honey now
You’re just too used to my honey//

I love performing that song; I think it’s safe to say that it’s my favorite one.  The lyrics start off simple enough, but other parts require interpretation.  I like that.

Anyways, I did five more songs, and then I took a short intermission.  After that, I went back out and did ten more songs before closing out with my second favorite song, “Hey Jupiter“.

I started playing the notes and it seemed like everyone was ready to sing along.  A few people had lighters in hand and that made me raise an eyebrow.  I never expected to have that happen at one of my shows.  I took a deep breath, and started to sing…

// No one’s picking up the phone
Guess it’s me and me
And this little masochist, she’s ready to confess
All the things that I never thought that she could feel, and
Hey Jupiter
Nothing’s been the same
So are you gay
Are you blue
Thought we both could use a friend to run to

Sometimes I breathe you in
And I know you know
And sometimes you take a swim
Found your writing on my wall
If my heart’s soaking wet, boy your boots can leave a mess
Hey Jupiter
Nothing’s been the same
So are you gay
Are you blue
Thought we both could use a friend to run to

…And he isn’t you…

No one’s picking up the phone
Guess it’s clear he’s gone
And this little masochist is lifting up her dress
Guess I thought I could never feel the things I feel, and
Hey Jupiter
Nothing’s been the same
So are you gay
Are you blue
Thought we both could use a friend to run to

I thought I wouldn’t have to keep with you, hiding

I go from day to day
I know where the cupboards are
I know where the car is parked
I know he isn’t you

Hey Jupiter
Nothing’s been the same//

And that was it.  The show was over.  It was over just as quickly as it began.  I received a standing ovation, and I’ll admit that I cried a little.  Standing ovations make me cry happy tears.  I took a few bows and then decided to do an encore.  I did a cover of R.E.M’s “Losing My Religion” because it’s the greatest obsessive/compulsive love song ever written, and I really like to sing it.

After that I went backstage again and Randy got out of his seat to go back with me.

“Look at your hair, Jillian.”  He was laughing.

It was all sweated out and some of it was sticking to my face.  I started fixing it with my fingers.

“Does it look better now?”

“Yeah, it looks fine.”

“So, how did I do, Randy?”

“How do you think you did?”

“Pretty damn good.”

“Well, there’s your answer.” 

We went back to our hotel for a while to get ready for a night out.  I was in an excellent mood after performing, so I figured partying in Las Vegas would be a great way to celebrate.  That’s totally uncharacteristic of me.  Since when do I like to party?

We didn’t go far, though.  We were just downstairs in the casino.  Paris met up with Randy and me.  I love it when she’s with us.  It reminds me of “Three’s Company”.  I like that show.  I don’t think Randy likes the idea of “Three’s Company” too much, though.

“I’ve got an idea, Paris.” Randy said.

“You get ideas?”

Paris and I started laughing.

He seemed irritated.  “That’s real funny.”

I nudged him.  “Lighten up, Randy.”

“You’re telling me to lighten up?  I can’t believe it.”

I was gonna defend myself, but Paris was already talking.

“Oh, look.” she said in an innocent tone, “There’s your favorite person, Randy.”

Randy and I both looked and saw that it was Marshall.

“What the fuck!?”  Randy was obviously angry.

Paris started to giggle.  “I’d better go, Jill.  I’m not a big fan of violence.”

We hugged and she took off.

“Jillian, if he comes over here I’m gonna fuckin’ kill him.”

“Randy, would you please calm down?  You’re freaking out for no reason.”

“No reason?  Are you kidding me?”

I rolled my eyes.  “What are you talking about?”

“He followed you to fuckin’ Vegas, Jillian!”

“He didn’t follow me.”

Randy put his hand over his forehead.  “I have a headache.”

“You wanna go to bed?”

“You gonna come with me?”

I nodded.  “Yeah.  You wanna go right now?”

He grabbed my hand.  “Let’s go.”

Well, hopefully you can take the hint when I tell you that Randy didn’t have much of a headache.  If anything, I was the one that ended up with a headache.  When he “felt better” we went back downstairs.  Well, technically he was the only one that walked down the stairs.  I had to be carried.  My legs weren’t feeling too strong…

When we found a good spot in the casino he helped me get my feet on the ground.

“You’re not gonna fall, are you?”

“No, I’ll be fine.” I thought for a second.  “I’ll be fine as long as I don’t move.”

“I’m sorry.”

“Don’t worry about it, Randy.”

“There’s Marshall, Jillian.”  He pointed across the room.

“You’re not gonna go and hit him, are you?”

“Nah.  I’m not too worried about him anymore.”  He winked at me.  “You can go talk to him if you want to.”

“You don’t mind?”

“No, but you better hurry before I change my mind.”

I laughed.  “You wanna carry me over to him?”

“Yeah.”  He held his arms out.  “Come on.”

He put me down in front of Marshall and said, “Enjoy this time while you can.”  He rubbed my back and then started to walk away.  “I’ll see you in a few, Jill.”

“Bye, Randy.”  I turned to look at Marshall.  “What’s up?”

“Why is he carryin’ you around?”

“I don’t think you wanna know.”

“You’re right.  I don’t.”  He started staring at me.  “Your lips are swollen.”

I poked them out a little.  “I know.”

“So, is that what you went upstairs for?  He wanted a quick fuck outta you?”

“It didn’t seem all that quick to me.”

He rolled his eyes at me.  “What am I gonna do?”

“About what?”

“About you.”

I shrugged my shoulders.

“Jill, why are you doin’ this to me?”

“What in the hell are you talking about, Marshall?  I’m not doing anything to you.  I wish you’d just stop it already.”

“Stop what?”

“Putting all of this shit on me.  Stop putting it all on me.  I‘m not just torturing you.  You‘re torturing me.”

“How am I torturing you, Jillian?”

“You’re making me love you and it isn’t fair.  It isn‘t fair to me and it isn‘t fair to my husband.”

“You’re what?”

“My husband.”

“He’s not your husband, Jillian.”

“But he will be.  So, get your head out of your ass.”

“You’re such a bitch, Jill.”

“And?”

“And I love you for it.”

“That’s cute, Marshall.  Did you think of that right off the top of your head or did it take you a while?”

“What the fuck is the matter with you?  Did Randy not fuck you the right way tonight?  Did he forget to leave a fuckin’ bruise?”

“He never forgets.”

“Oh my God, Jillian.  I wanna fuckin’ strangle you.  Would you like that?  Me strangling you?”

“Are you trying to hurt me, Marshall?  Are you trying to make me feel bad?”

“You like bein’ hurt.  I’m doin’ what you like.”

“You’re an asshole.”

“I am?  Really?  I’ve been waitin’ for you to say that!”  He’s rather good at sarcasm.  “Now you’ll let me fuck you, right?  ‘Cause you only let jerks fuck you, Jillian.”

“Do you really wanna fuck me, Marshall?”

“It’s not just that.  I wanna be with you, Jillian.”

“No, you don’t.  You don’t wanna do either one of those things.  You don’t need to be with me, Marshall.  You couldn’t take it.”

“Did it feel good?”

I raised my eyebrow.  “Did what feel good?”

“When you and Randy went upstairs…did it feel good?”

“Marshall, I think you need help.”

“I need you, Jillian.”

I laughed out loud.  “No, you don’t.  Stop saying that.”

“Why didn’t you answer my question?”

“Because that’s none of your business.”

“You can tell me you love me and lift up your skirt and show me your bruises, but you can’t tell me if somethin’ felt good?”

“Alright!  Fine!  You wanna know if it felt good?”  I moved the hair out of my face.  “I didn’t want him to stop.  If I had it my way, we’d probably still be upstairs right now.  Instead, I‘m stuck here talking to you.  I could be getting fucked right now!”

“You don’t mean that.”

“I don’t?”

He shook his head.

“I did mean it, Marshall.  I meant every word of it.  I wish I knew where Randy went, ‘cause I would drag him up the fuckin’ stairs just like I did on my eighteenth birthday.”

“Jill?”

“What?”

“Why are you so fuckin’ difficult?”

“I’m not difficult.”

“What did he do when you cried?”

“What are you talking about?”

“You said it hurt so bad that you cried.  What did he do when you cried?”

“He asked me if I was ok then he said he would stop if I wanted him to.  Then I told him I would cry harder if he stopped, so he did the right thing and kept going.”

“You’re crazy.”

“Tell me something I don’t know.”

“I think I can figure you out, though.”

“Oh, really?”

“Yeah.”

“I think you’re crazier than I am, Marshall.  Why are you spending so much of your time on me?  Shouldn’t you be at home with your daughter or something?”

He didn’t say anything.

“Marshall?  Did you hear me?”

“Yeah, I heard you.”

“Well?”

“Well what?”

“Why are you bothering with me?  Don’t you have more important things in your life?”

“You are important.”

“Ok, Marshall.  Whatever you say.”

“You don’t think you’re important?”

“I know I’m important, but I shouldn’t be that important to you.  Just like you shouldn’t be that important to me.”

“Am I important to you?”

“Yeah, when you’re around.  Any other time it’s out of sight, out of mind.”

“You really are a fuckin’ bitch, you know that?”

“I’m only telling the truth, Marshall.  And I would really appreciate it if you stopped calling me a bitch.”

“But it would be different if Randy said it, right?  If Randy called you a bitch, you’d somehow manage to find love in it.”

“Randy wouldn’t call me a bitch, Marshall.  He might say that I’m acting like a bitch, but he would never flat out say that I was a bitch.  He actually has respect for me.”

“Are the bruises a sign of respect?  Is that swollen lip a sign of respect?”

“God, why do I even bother talking to you?”

“Because you love me.”

“Marshall, I think it would be good if we tried to be friends.  How does that sound to you?”

“I’m willing to take anything that you wanna give me at this point.”

“Good.”

I felt someone tapping my shoulder and I turned around.  “Hey, Randy.”

“Hey.  You tired?”

“I’m exhausted.”

“Come on, then.”  He lifted me up.  “Let’s go.”

He carried me up to our room and put me down on the bed.

“So, what’s goin’ on?”

“Marshall and I are gonna try to be friends.”

“Do you wanna be his friend?”

“I guess so.  I’d live either way.”

Chapter 19

I once heard someone say, “You can’t stop what’s coming, and you can’t stop what’s on its way.”  I couldn’t agree more…

Confused?  Well, if you are, you won’t be for long.

I always knew that this particular thing was coming.  I knew that it was on its way…

Was I ready for it?  God…how could I ever be ready for it?  How could I have possibly prepared myself?

You’re probably anxious to know what I’m talking about, but I need to tell you some other things first.

Sometimes I think I know Randy better than I know myself.  Believe it or not, Randy holds a lot of things back.  He tends to let shit build up inside him, and then when you least suspect it, he freaks out.  The fact that he over thinks things makes it just a little bit worse…

It was around 2 a.m. and Randy and I were both wide-awake while we sat in our hotel room.  Suddenly, he got up and walked over to the door.  He stood there for a little while with his hand on the knob, and we were just staring at each other.

“Jillian?”

“What?”

“Aren’t you gonna ask me where I’m going?”

“Are you coming back?”

“Yes.”

“Then I don’t need to ask.  I don’t care where you go as long as you come back.”

“I wouldn’t mind if you asked me where I was going, Jill.”

“I know you wouldn’t.”

“Then why won’t you ask?”

“I’ve asked you before, Randy.”

“Jillian, when I went to L.A. you didn’t even bother to ask me why I was going.”

“Yes I did, Randy.  You refused to tell me, remember?”

“Well, you could’ve been more persistent.  You could’ve forced it out of me.  I would’ve told you.”

He was still standing at the door.

“Are you leaving or not?”

“No, I’m not.”

“Then what’s the point of this?”

“The point of this was to prove a point.”

“What?”

“Why don’t you care, Jillian?”

“Randy, what in the blue hell are you talking about?”

“Why don’t you care about where I go and what I do?  Why don’t you worry?”

“I just told you.  As long as you’re coming back it’s fine.  It’s ok.”

“That’s bullshit.”

“How is it bullshit?”

“When I went to New York I called you constantly.  I worried about you the whole entire time.  How could you not worry about me?”

“I…”

“It bothered the fuck outta me when I was gone.  All I thought about was you.  Wondering where you were and who you were with and what you were doing.  Especially when you were at Marshall’s.  Why do you think I called every five minutes?  I hate leaving you alone.”

“Then why did you?”

“You didn’t wanna go to New York, Jillian.  I wasn’t gonna make you go.”

“Well, what about L.A.?”

“You know about that.  I wanted to surprise you with the house.  So, why don’t you worry, Jillian?  Is it because you’ve got Marshall waiting on the sidelines?”

“What did you just say?”

“You heard me, Jillian!  I’m not fuckin’ stupid!”

“Randy, I never said that you were stupid.”

“But, that’s what you think.  You think I don’t see the way you look at him?”

“How do I look at him?”

“You look at him like you love him, Jillian!  And don’t say that I don’t know what I’m talkin’ about, because you give me that same look all time!  You love him, don’t you?”

I got off of the bed and walked over to where he was standing.

“Randy…”

I lifted my hand so that I could touch him, but he quickly smacked it away.  It hurt.

“Don’t fuckin’ touch me, Jillian!”

There was a stinging pain in my hand and it had turned a bright shade of red.  I started rubbing it to sooth the throbbing.  If anyone else had done that, I would’ve hit them back and it wouldn’t have been pretty.  But, I can’t hurt Randy…

“You didn’t have to do that, Randall.”  I continued to rub my hand.

“Do you love him, Jillian?”

I shook my head ‘no’.

“Jillian, I’ve known you for fourteen fuckin’ years and I know when you’re lying!  Don’t stand there and lie to me!”

“I’m not lying, Randy!”

He moved past me, and walked to the other side of the room.  He picked up the lamp that was sitting on the nightstand and threw it in my direction.  It hit the door and shattered into a million pieces.

I looked at the debris on the floor and then back at Randy.  “You’re gonna have to pay for that.”

“Are you tryin’ to be funny?”

“No.”

“I’ve been tryin’ really fuckin’ hard to be nice to you, Jill.  Even though it kills me to see you talkin‘ to Marshall.  But, I let you talk to him because I don‘t want you to be mad at me.  I don‘t want you to think that I wanna run your life.”

“I wouldn’t think that, Randy.”

“He’s in love with you, Jillian, but I let you hang around him anyways.  You know he’s in love with you…”

“He’s not in love with me, Randy.”

“Stop lying to me, Jillian!”

I kept my mouth shut.

“The thing that gets to me the most is the fact that you’re in love with him, too.  How could you love him, Jillian?”

“I don’t.”

“You don’t love me, do you?”

“Randy, that’s ridiculous.”

“Then why do you keep lying to me, Jillian?!”

“How many times do I have to tell you that I’m not lying?!”

“I’ve never been insecure, Jillian.  But, when I see you with him it scares me.”

“You don’t have to be scared, Randy.  I’m not going anywhere.”

“You’re not?”

“No.”

“Why don’t I believe you?”

I went back and sat on the bed.

“I don’t know why you don’t believe me, Randy, but I really wish that you would.”

I couldn’t believe that he didn’t believe me.  My emotions got the best of me and I started crying.  Randy wasn’t saying anything.

“What about that girl in New York, Randy?”

“What girl?”

“You called me at six o’clock in the morning, Randy!  Six o’clock in the fucking morning!  You called to tell me about some wild ass party you went to and how this one girl did something, but then you said, ‘never mind’.  What did that girl do, Randy?  Or better yet…what did you do to that girl?”

I was sobbing…it was insane…

“I didn’t do anything, Jillian.  I didn’t even go out that night.  I was just fuckin’ around with you.”

“Why don’t I believe you?”

“You don’t believe me?”

“No.”

“Well, what did you do with Marshall that day, huh?  I know you’re not innocent.”

“I didn’t do anything.”

He grabbed my ankle and pulled me off of the bed.  I hit the floor pretty hard.

“Randy, what the fuck is your problem?”  The crying was brutal.  It actually hurt to cry.

“I told you to quit lying to me, Jillian!”

“I kissed him, Randy!  Are you happy now?!”

“You what?!”

I was lying on the floor and he was standing above me.

“It’s not like you never kissed another girl, Randy!”

“I didn’t love any of those girls, Jillian!”

“So, that makes it ok?  You didn’t love ‘em, so that makes it ok?!”

“I’m not saying that it’s ok!”

“And for the last time, Randy…I *don’t* love, Marshall!”

“Damn you, Jillian!”

I was sobbing so hard I had to lift my head a little because I was starting to cough.

He grabbed my legs and started to drag me across the floor.

“I can’t believe you, Jillian…”

He was still dragging me.

“I didn’t do anything else, Randy.”

“I would trust you with my fuckin’ life, and you turn around and do this shit to me?!”

“It’s nothing you haven’t done to me, asshole!”

He let my legs go.

“What?”

I sat up completely.  “You heard me, Randy!  How could you be mad when you’ve done the same shit!  You‘ve probably done worse!”

“No, I haven’t Jillian!  I swear on my fuckin’ life!  I don’t wanna be with anybody but you!”

I didn’t say anything.

“Jillian?  Are you hearing me?”

I nodded.

“Well, say something damn it!”

“I can’t…”  I was trying to catch my breath.  I was crying so hard, I felt like my chest was tightening up.

“Motherfucker…”

He grabbed my legs again and started dragging me toward the bathroom.

“Randy, you’re freaking out.  You gotta stop…”

He dragged me all the way into the bathroom and then slammed the door.

“What are you doing, Randy?”

He kneeled down in front of my bent knees.

“I love you, Jillian.”

I didn’t say anything.

“Why aren’t you saying anything, Jill?  Why won’t you talk to me?”

I still didn’t say anything.

“Jillian!”

“Randy, stop screaming!”

He put his hands on my knees and parted my legs.  Suddenly he was hovering over me with one hand planted on the floor to hold himself up.  The other hand was balled into a fist.  He started punching the shit out of the floor right next to my head.  I almost felt sorry for the tile…

“Randy, someone’s gonna come up here.”

He stopped hitting the floor, and I was startled when I saw that his knuckles were bleeding.

“Randy, your hand…”  I was still crying.

“I know.”  He put his hands in my hair.  “You know you’re my favorite person, Jillian?  You can be a real cocksucker sometimes, but you’re the greatest person I’ve ever known.”

He attempted to get up but I wrapped my legs and arms around him as tight as I could.  “Where are you going?”

He put all of his weight on me.  “You want me to fuck you?”

I nodded.  “Yeah…”

Honestly, I don’t know if that’s what I really wanted.  I just knew that I didn’t want him to go anywhere.  He had freaked out on me, and I didn’t want him near me, but I *did* want him near me.  I don’t know if that makes sense, but…I don’t know.  I was feeling a lot of things.

So, the next night had rolled around and it was our last night in Las Vegas.  To say goodbye, Paris had arranged for us to have dinner in the casino.  To my surprise, she didn’t just invite Randy and I.  She also took it upon herself to invite Em and 50.  I knew I was in for a long night.  Ran was sitting in-between Paris and me.  Marshall sat next to Paris, and Curtis sat next to me.

I noticed Paris looking at Randy’s hand.  “What happened to you, Cheeseball?”

“None of your business, Bulimic Barbie.”

I put my fork down.  “Randy, was that really necessary?”

“She knows that I’m kidding.”  He looked over at her.  “Don’t you, Paris?”

“Yeah, Cheeseball.  I know that you’re kidding.”

I giggled.  “Well, that’s a good thing, ‘cause I really wanted to laugh.”

Marshall and Curtis had been quiet for most of the night, but they gradually started to talk more.

“What happened to your hand, Jillian?”  Curtis asked.

“Yeah, Jillian…” Marshall joined in, “what did happen to your hand?”

I looked down at it and it was slightly bruised.  I bruise easily.

I shrugged my shoulders.  “I don’t know what happened to it.”

Marshall looked at it from across the table.  “You’re lyin‘, Jillian.  You do know what happened.”

That made Randy angry.  “Don’t call her a liar.”

“Why not?  It’s the truth.  She’s lyin’ right now. And ya know what?  She’s lyin’ for you.  What did you do to her?”

“Why do you care?”

“Because I love her, and I don’t like seein’ bruises all over her fuckin’ body.”

I wasn’t talking.  I sat there and played with my food.

Paris stepped into the potential argument.  “Chill out you guys.  This is supposed to be fun.”

“Ya know what, Barbie?”  Randy said to Paris.  “You’re usually not right about anything, but you are right this time.  This is supposed to be fun.”

Paris rolled her eyes at him.  “I’m gonna kick you and then you and Jill will never be able to have babies.  You’ll shoot blanks for the rest of your life.”

Yep, Randy and Paris argue like this all the time.  It can be funny, but if I’m in a bad mood, it’s sickening.  Luckily, I was in a pretty decent mood.

I put my head on Randy’s shoulder and started laughing.

“See,” Randy said, “Jill’s enjoying herself.”

I noticed that Curtis kept looking at his watch.  “Look, I gotta get outta here.  I’ll catch ya’ll later.”

Him and Marshall did this crazy little hand thing and said bye to each other.  When he was gone, Paris asked, “Where’s he going?”

Marshall shrugged.  “I don’t know.  I think he met a nice stripper earlier and set up a date.”

Paris laughed.  “That’s hot.”  She picked up her fork and began to eat the rest of her food.

“Damn, Barbie!”

“Now what, Cheeseball?”

“You and Jillian are just alike.”

“What do you mean?”

“You eat like horses and don’t gain any fuckin’ weight.”

I looked at Randy.  “I don’t eat like a horse.”

He patted my back.  “Sure, you don’t.”

I looked at his plate.  “You gonna eat that dinner roll?”

“No.”  He picked it up and gave it to me.  “You can have it.”

Paris was talking to Marshall.  “Why are you so quiet?”

“I’m always quiet.”

I saw that Randy was gonna say something, so I pinched his arm before he could get the words out.

Paris literally jumped out of her seat.  “Ok, I’m bored now.  Let’s get outta here!”

I was gonna ask her where she wanted to go next, but I had a mouth full of food.

“Hold on a second, Paris.”  Randy put his hand out in front of her.  “Jillian has to swallow.”

“Ew!  That’s disgusting, Randy!”

He rolled his eyes.  “That’s not what I meant, bimbo!  Besides, I’m sure you did plenty of swallowing on that little tape of yours.”

She smacked him upside his head.  “I’m gonna kick your ass!”

I finished my food.  “Randy, leave her alone before she has you killed.”

Marshall got up and started to walk away.

“Wait a minute.”  Paris said.  “Aren’t you gonna hang out with us?”

“I don’t wanna get in the way.  You three obviously have a connection.  I don’t wanna be on the outside all night.”

Paris laughed.  “Don’t be silly, Em!  The three of us don’t have a connection.  If I had it my way, Randy wouldn’t even exist.  I’ll tell ya what…you can be my date.  How ‘bout that?”

Randy smiled.  “That’s a good idea, Paris.  He can be *your* date.”

“Do you ever shut your mouth, Cheeseball?”

He balled up his fist and pretended to hit her while she turned around and talked to Marshall.

“So, what’s it gonna be?  You wanna party with us?”

“Alright.  I will.”

“Yay!”  She started jumping up and down.

Randy gave her a funny look and then looked at me.  “How did you ever become friends with her?”

“She’s fun.”

He pinched my cheek.  “And you’re all about fun, Jillian.”

There was a hint of sarcasm in his voice, but I let it go.

Anyways, we ended up going to this party that Paris knew about.  I didn’t even get a chance to find out the name of the place, but I guess it didn’t matter.  She’s usually pretty good at picking good places to go to.  I trust her judgment.

So, five minutes after we got there, Paris was dancing on top of a table.  She’s funny.

It was weird sitting with Marshall and Randy.  Knowing that they despise each other.  It made for the most uncomfortable feeling in the world.  Marshall wouldn’t talk at all and Randy wouldn’t take his hands off of me.  I was a little surprised when Randy started talking to Marshall, but of course, he wasn’t being nice to him.

“So, you love Jillian, huh?  That’s cute.”

“Randy, leave him alone.”

Marshall spoke up.  “Don’t worry about it, Jillian.  You don’t have to stick up for me.”

“I wasn’t sticking up for you.”

“Well, what do you call it?”

“I just don’t wanna hear any arguing.  I’m not sticking up for anyone.”

He stood up really fast.  “There you go bein’ a bitch again!”

Randy jumped up just as fast.  “What did you say to her?”

I freaked out when Randy balled up his fist.  I stood up and grabbed his hand.

“Don’t do anything, Randy.  You don’t need to fight.”

Marshall started laughing.  “Am I supposed to be scared right now?”

I had a grip on Randy’s hand.  “Nobody said that you had to be scared, Marshall.  I just don’t want Randy to beat your face in.  I’m doing you a favor.”

“You’ve gotta be fuckin’ kiddin’ me, Jillian!  What the fuck is your problem?  Why do you keep switchin’ up on me?  I’m about ready to fuckin’ kill you!”

“Good.”

He threw his hands up in the air and walked away.

I let go of Randy’s hand.

“You really are mean to him, Jillian.  I like that.”

“Shut-up, Randy.  I feel bad enough.  I don’t need you to say shit like that.”

“Why in the fuck do you feel bad?”

“It’s not like me to be mean to anyone, Randy.  You know that.”

“Well, if he thinks you’re mean he’ll stay away from you.”

“That’s what I thought, but it’s not working.  I dish it out, and he continuously takes it.”

“So, you know that he loves you?”

“Don’t start, Randy.”

“Ok.”  He took a few deep breaths.  “I’m gonna let it go.”

I rubbed his arm.  “Thank you.”

“So, Paris dragged us out to this place and then left us so she could go dance on a table?”

“She didn’t *leave* us.”  I pointed across the room.  “She’s not that far away.”

He laughed.  “Marshall didn’t leave, either.”

Ok, so I was shocked to see Marshall climb up on the table and start dancing with Paris.  I wasn’t jealous, though.  I don’t get jealous.

“Damn, he should just pull up her skirt and fuck her already.”  Randy said.

I giggled.

“You know what’s gonna happen, Jill?”

“No.  What?”

“They’re gonna be on the Internet in two weeks.”

I frowned.  “Ugh...”

Randy was cracking up.  “Well, he won’t be bothering you anymore.  He’s looking for someone to grind with.”

I put my hand over my eyes and said, “Oh my God…”

I don’t know if it was just me, but it seemed like they were up on that table for an extremely long time.  Randy and I were out on the dance floor and every time I turned around, Em and Paris were still up on that table.

Randy and I sat back down at the table and Paris and Marshall met back up with us a few minutes later.

Paris wiped her forehead.  “That was fun.”

I smiled at her.  “I can tell.”  I looked at Marshall.  “Did you have fun, too?”

“Yeah, I did.” he laughed.  “It’s funny, ‘cause I usually don’t have fun when you’re close by, but I guess tonight was the exception.”

I gave him my best ‘I hate you’ look and he grinned at me.

Randy seemed pleased.  “Well, it’s nice to see that you two aren’t getting along.”

I elbowed Randy in his chest.

“Ow!  Quit it, Jill!”

“Marshall and I get along just fine.”

What is it with the extremes we all go through?  Do you notice that about us?  I think Paris is the only steady person I know.  Everyone else has three or four different personalities.  We’re all like schizophrenics.  I used to think that Randy was somewhat of a steady individual, but I don‘t believe that so much anymore.  Hell, we’re all whacked…I mean, Randy was dragging me across the floor not even twenty-four hours before, but then it was like nothing had happened.

I looked at Paris.  “Hey, Randy owes your family some money.”

“Did he break something?”

I giggled.  “How’d you guess?”

“Just seems like something a dumbass like him would do.”  She looked at him.  “You better give us our money, Randall.”

“You’ve got enough money, Barbie.”

“It’s a matter of principle, Buttface.”

“Do you even know what principle means?”

I rolled my eyes.  “Do you two ever stop fighting?”

Randy was tapping his fingers on the table.  “Just be happy that we’re not fighting, Jillian.”

“I’ll try to remember that.”

Paris looked bored.  “I wanna dance again.  Who’s coming with me?”

Marshall declined and believe it or not, I have danced with Paris before, but I wasn’t really up for it this time around.

“Randy, why don’t you dance with Paris?”

“Ok, but I’m not gonna touch her.  She might break in half.”

Paris is my buddy, so she didn’t pull Randy onto a table with her.  She took him out to the dance floor instead.  Not that I would have really cared, but…

“So, what made you get up on that table, Marshall?”

“I’m entitled to a little fun.”

“I didn’t say that you weren’t.”

“What happened to your hand, Jillian?  What did Randy do?”

“He didn’t do anything.”

“Alright, well, what happened to his hand?”

“He got into a fight with the bathroom floor.”

Marshall started laughing.

“I’m not trying to be funny.”

“I know.  That’s what makes it funny.”

I tried to kick him underneath the table.

“Look, Jillian, I still like you and all, but I’m really not in the mood to play footsie.”

“You’re an ass.”

“Don’t be so nice, Jill.  Compliments make me blush.”

“Do you always have a comeback?”

“I’m Eminem.”

“Don’t be so modest, *Eminem*.”

“I don’t feel any pressure, Jill.”

“What?”

“There’s no pressure.”

“Ok.”

“Usually, I feel a lot of pressure when I’m around you, but there’s no pressure right now.  It feels good.”

“Well, I’m glad then.”

“But, that pressure does make us who we are.”

“I never feel any pressure.”

“Yeah, right.”

I laughed.  “I don’t.”

“Never?”

“Never.”

“Why do you lie all the time?”

“I’m really sick of being called a liar.”

“Well, stop lyin’.  Then you won’t have to worry about it.”

“So, pressure makes us who we are?”

“Yeah.  Our relationship is built on pressure.”

“You’re weird, Marshall.”

“I’m serious, Jill.”

“I know you are.”

“It’s like there’s always anxiety when I’m around you.”

“You’re afraid of me?”

“No, but you make me nervous.”

“Nervous?”

“Yeah, and I don’t get nervous.”

“Well, why do I make you nervous?”

“Because you’re an evil bitch.”

“I guess that makes sense.”

“It’s cool, though.  I still love you.”

I flashed him a quick smile.

“Well?”

“Well what?”

“I just told you I loved you.”

“So?”

“*So,* aren’t you gonna say it back?”

I shook my head.  “No.”

Chapter 20

Ok, maybe I’m a little fucked up.  Maybe I’m not the most beautiful person on the inside or outside.  You probably think I’m stupid for not being with Marshall?  Right?  You most likely wanna beat some sense into me.  And what about Randy?  You really hate his guts, huh?  But why?  In your eyes, what makes Randy so evil?  And what about Marshall?  What makes him so good?  What makes him so much better?  Well, I’m sure you have all sorts of explanations prepared, but let’s see what Marshall himself has to say about it…

We were sitting in complete silence for a few minutes.  I was staring down at the table and he was looking around at all the people on the dance floor.

I lifted my head to look at Marshall.  “What makes you so much better than Randall?”

He gave me a funny look.  “What kind of a stupid question is that?”

“I don’t think it’s stupid at all.”

“Well, I do.”

“Why?  Because you don’t know how to answer it?”

“Ya know somethin’, Jillian?  I’m really startin’ to question your fuckin’ intelligence.  How could you be so dumb?”

“Why can’t you just answer my question, Marshall?  What makes you so much better than him?  I really wanna know.”

“You already know!”  He banged his fist down on the table.  “I would love to hate you right about now.  It would make things a lot easier.”

I just sat there staring at him.  “So, what makes you better than Randy?”

He stared back at me.  “Everything does.”

“What is everything?”

“Jillian, I care more about you right now than he ever has or ever will.”

“Are you fucking kidding me?!”  I stood up.  “You’ve got a lot of fucking nerve!”

“Shut-up, Jillian.  You don’t have to fuckin’ scream.”

“Do you have any idea about some of the shit that he’s done for me?  Do you know how many times he’s fought for me?  How many times he’s stood up to my dad?  Whenever I need him he’s right there, but you don’t fuckin’ see that!  You see what you wanna see!  You completely ignore everything else!  And do you know why you ignore everything else?  It’s because you wanna make him seem all bad so that you can look like a fucking angel!  You’re not perfect, motherfucker!”

He stood up and walked around to my side of the table.  We were standing face-to-face.

“I never claimed to be perfect.”  He said calmly.  “I’m far from perfect.”

My eyes were shifting to avoid his gaze.

“What’s the matter, Jill?  You can yell and cuss at me, but you can’t look me in the fuckin’ eye?”

I was still avoiding eye contact.

“Look, Jillian, it’s clear that you see things in Randy that *no one* else sees.  I don’t know what those things are, but I know that I can’t do anything to make you feel any different.  But, what about the bad shit that everyone sees?”

“Everyone?  Are you everyone, Marshall?  ‘Cause you’re the only person I know that has a problem.  Well, you *and* my dad.  But, the rest of my family adores him.  My mom thinks that he’s amazing.  My grandparents love him.  My aunts and uncles love him.  My cousins love him.  Everyone.  All of them.  My friends think that he’s awesome.  It may not look like it, but his relationship with Paris is great.  He won’t admit to being an actual friend of hers, but…”

“Jill, me and your dad aren’t the only people that see the bad shit.  You see it, too.”

“I do?”

“Yeah, you do.”  He grabbed my hand and took a good look at the bruising.  “You gonna tell me what happened?  You gonna tell me what he did?”

I pulled away from him.  “You don’t need to worry about it.  If you really thought he did something you’d be a little less calm.  He didn’t do anything, Marshall.  He didn’t hurt me.  He would never hurt me.”

“I’d never hurt you, either.”

I smirked.  “Yeah, I’m sure you wouldn’t.”

“The more I’m around you, the more I realize that you’re not that great of a person.”

“Marshall, you and me are two very different people.”

“And you and Randy aren’t?”

“Sometimes I think that Randy and me are practically the same person.  I try to remind myself that we didn’t lose who we were before we became *us*.”  I paused.  “But, then again, we were always *us*.”

“Yeah?”

“It’s just…I’ve got such a sure thing with him.  I have absolutely nothing to worry about.”  I looked down at my left hand.  “I don’t even know where he got the ring from.  I have no idea how much he paid for it.  But, none of that really matters.  He could’ve gotten it out of a box of Cracker Jacks for all I care.  What’s important is the meaning behind it.”

“Well, I guess I know what it means to you, but what does it mean to him?”

I looked over and realized that Randy was standing only a few feet away from us.  I knew that things could go a number of ways when he started to speak.

“You wanna know what that ring means to me?”  He asked Marshall.  “It means that she’s mine until the day we both fuckin’ croak.  It means that we’ll be together until the end of fuckin’ time.  No matter what, it’ll be me and her, ‘cause that’s the way it always has been and the ring just shows that that’s the way it always will be.”  He looked at me and smiled and then turned his attention back to Marshall.  “I got really pissed at her yesterday and it was all because of you.  I had it in my head that she was in love with you, but she can’t be if she’s marrying me.  I know Jillian.  She won’t do anything that she’s not completely sure about.  It has to be one hundred percent.”  He started grinning.  “We are ONE HUNDRED PERCENT.”

I started laughing.  I don’t really know why, I guess it’s just the look that Randy gets when he knows that he’s right about something.

“Am I right, Jill?  Are we not one hundred percent?”

“You’re right, Randall.  We’re definitely one hundred percent.  We’re the real deal.”

“So, that’s the way it is, Jillian?”  Marshall asked.  “I guess you’re gonna just forget about everything you’ve ever said to me?  You’re gonna forget about lovin’ me?”

I didn’t say anything, but Randy did.

He grabbed my arm.  “Come here, Jillian.”

He was pulling me all around until we ran into a security guard.  Randy reached into his pocket and pulled out a big wad of cash.

“Think you can do me a favor?”  Randy asked the guard.

“Anything you want Mr. Helmsley.”

Ah…the benefits of celebrity….

Randy put the money into the security guards’ hand.  “Clear out the men’s room, and don’t let anyone in there until I come out.”

“You got yourself a deal.”

Ok, I was a little confused.

“Can I ask what’s going on?”

The guard smiled at me.  “You look lovely Ms. Bauer.”

“I didn’t ask for a compliment.  I asked what was going on.”

Randy nudged me.  “Don’t be mean.”

I smiled and apologized to the guard.  “I didn’t mean to sound rude.  I’m sorry.”

He winked at me.  “It’s fine.  Trust me.”

“Look,” Randy said.  “You think you can stop flirting with my fiancée and do what I asked you to do?”

“Yes, sir.  My apologies.”

We followed the guard to our destination.  He cleared out the room and said, “Go for it.”

I don’t know why I ever bother to ask questions with Randy.  He’s so damn predictable.  I pretty much knew what was going to happen.  Well, I knew most of what was going to happen.  I didn’t know he was gonna do this, though…

The bathroom door shut behind us and I stood there smiling at him.

“What’s with the grin?”

“What’s with paying a security guard to clear out a bathroom?  What if someone really has to go?”

“That’s not our problem.”

“Yeah, but I would feel really bad knowing that I was responsible for some guy shitting his pants.”

He laughed a little, but then his whole expression changed.  “You love Marshall?”

I didn’t say anything.

“Jill, I won’t get mad.  I swear.”

“I’m not in love with him.  It’s platonic.”

“Is it really?”

I nodded.  “Would I lie to you, Randall?”

He shook his head.  “No, you wouldn’t.”  He grabbed me and pulled me into one of the stalls before locking the door.

“Nobody’s gonna come in here Randy.  What’s the point of being in this tiny space?”

“I don’t trust that fuckin’ security guard.  That stupid fucker might try to come in here.”

I laughed.  “Why don’t you want anyone coming in here?”

He touched my face.  “I think you know why.”

“Randall, I…”

He grabbed my hand.  “We’re one hundred percent, right?”

I nodded.  “Right.”

“Say it.”

“We’re one hundred percent.”

He started playing with my ring.  “There’s nothing we can’t ever fix, right?”

I smiled.  “There’s nothing we can’t ever fix.”

Ok, so after the unusual sappiness we did what I was expecting for us to do.  I don’t know what it is with us and bathroom sex…

I left out of the room to see the security guard still standing outside of the door.

“Are you ok, Ms. Bauer?”

“I’m fine.”  I managed to smile.  “Thanks for asking.”

“Will Mr. Helmsley be out shortly?”

“Yeah, I think so.”

I walked over to where I had been sitting earlier.  Marshall was still there.

He stood up when he saw me.  “You look like shit.”

“You really know how to make me feel special.”

“Yeah, but Randy’s much better at making you feel special.  Clearing out a men’s room just to get a fuck out of you.  Now that’s romantic.”

“Why do you have to be such a smart ass?”

He ignored the question.  “Where’s Randy?”

“He’s still in the bathroom.”

He started to look down.  “There’s somethin’ drippin’ down your leg…”

“What?!”

He laughed out loud.  “I’m kidding.”

“You’re a jerk.”

“I can’t believe you, Jillian.  Do you have any respect for yourself?  Do you not have class?”

I was more than a little offended.

“Marshall, I didn’t come back over here so you could preach to me.”

“Then why did you come back over here?  So you could tell me about what you just did?  So you could try to make me jealous?  Miserable?  What?”  He started to look past me.  “Oh, now look who’s here.”

I turned around and Randy was standing behind me.  He reached into his pocket and handed me some balled up fabric.  “You might wanna put these back on.”

I could feel my cheeks turning red.  How could I forget my underwear?  Oh well, it’s not like that was the first time…

“Come on.”  Randy said.  “We can go back and I can help you put ‘em on.”

I started to giggle.  “You’re funny.”

“Are you forgettin’ that I’m standin’ right fuckin’ here!!!!  Do you even care?!”

Well, I didn’t necessarily forget that Marshall was standing there and it wasn’t that I didn’t care.  Shit, I don’t know what it was.

“I used to feel sorry for you, Jillian.  I used to feel so fuckin’ bad for you, but I don’t anymore.”  He looked at Randy.  “I think I actually feel bad for you.”

Randy laughed.  “Why would you feel bad for me?”

“Well, you know what they say, right?”

“No, I don’t know.”

Marshall smirked.  “Life’s a bitch, and then you marry one.”

He walked away before either of us could do or say anything.  I couldn’t believe it.  I was in shock.

Finally, Randy started laughing.  “Now look what you did, Jillian.  Marshall doesn’t like you anymore.”

Well, my trip to Vegas was certainly ending on a down note.  Anyways, I was ready to go home.  I can’t be in Vegas for too long.

Randy and I spent the rest of that night hanging with Paris.  The next morning we flew back to Michigan.  One week later, his parents were coming over to visit.

I was practically jumping up and down when I saw Randy’s dad ringing the doorbell and I wanted to do a back flip when I saw his mom standing off to the side.  I opened the door and literally jumped into his fathers’ arms.  “Rick!”

He was laughing.  “Hi, Jillian.  You look beautiful.”

“Thank you.”  I looked over at Randy’s mother.  “Karen, you look great!”

“Thank you, Jillian.” she smiled.  “I thought you told me you were gonna gain a little weight?  What happened?”

Randy’s mom thinks that I’m too thin.  I started to explain myself, but Randy came over to us and said, “Leave her alone, Mom.  She looks fine.”

Now, before I go any further, you’re probably wondering why I call Rick and Karen by their first names, so I’m gonna take a minute and tell you why.  I used to call them Mr. And Mrs. Helmsley, but after a few years of knowing them, they told me it was ok to call them by their first names.  Sometimes I slip up and say Mr. Helmsley or Mrs. Helmsley, but they always correct me.  They like being called by their first names, so I do what they like.

As for Randy’s mom thinking I’m too thin, well, I don’t know why she thinks that.  I’m healthy.  I swear.

“You see what hanging around those Hollywood types has done, Jill?”  Karen was saying.  “You’re just like that buddy of yours.  What’s her name?  Paris?”

“Give her a break, Mom.” Randy put his arm around me.  “Jill’s go at least ten pounds on Paris.”

I looked up at Randy.  “Only ten!?  I’m not that fuckin’ skinny!”

Randy pinched me.  “What did I tell you about droppin’ that F-bomb?”

“Oh my God…Rick…Karen….I’m so sorry.  I didn’t mean to say that.”

They started laughing.  “It’s ok.”

Randy and his mom were doing something in the kitchen and Rick and I were sitting in the living room.

“I can’t believe you’re marrying my son, Jillian.  You guys are so grown up.  I remember when you were two kids fighting all the time.”

I laughed.  “Well, we’re definitely not kids anymore, but we still fight all the time.”

“Really?”

“No, we don’t fight.”

“Never?”

“Well, every now and then, but it’s nothing big.  Just little things.”

“I always thought you two would end up married.  At least I was hoping you would end up married after finding out about some of the stuff that you used to do.”

“What stuff?”

“Jill, don’t think that Karen and I didn’t know about you climbing your cute little butt through that window.”

I put my hand over my face.  “You guys knew about that?”

“Who didn’t know about that?”

“My father.”

“Your father is an idiot.”

I smiled.  “Tell me about it.”

“You didn’t do anything wrong.  You’re a nice girl, Jillian.  So, you get a little frisky with my son…it doesn’t make you a slut.”

“Thanks, Rick.”

“No problem, sweetheart.”

Randy and Karen came out of the kitchen.  She stopped and took a good look at me.

“Jillian, did I tell you that I love your hair?  You look fabulous!”

“I’m glad you like it, Karen.”

“Will it be that color for the wedding?”

“Yeah, I’m gonna keep the color.”

She started clapping her hands.  “Great!  So, what’s this I hear about you guys moving to California?  When are you leaving?”

I looked at Randy.  “We haven’t decided yet, but we’re definitely going.”

“That’ll be great for you two.”

I smiled.  “Yep, it most certainly will.”

We sat around and talked for a few hours and then Randy’s parents decided that it was time to leave.  Randy and I walked them out, but before they got down the walkway, Rick turned around and said to Randy, “Don’t fuck up.”  Randy just nodded his head.

Later that day I was cleaning our bedroom and just trying to get things situated.  Suddenly, I heard Randy stomping up the stairs.  I stopped what I was doing and waited for Randy to come into the room.  I knew that he was most likely mad about something.

He came into the room and slammed the door shut.

“What’s the problem, Randall?”

“Why is he calling you, Jillian?”  He had my cell phone in his hand.

“Who?”

“Don’t play dumb with me, Jillian!  You know who I’m talkin’ about!”

I shrugged my shoulders.  “I don’t know why he’s calling.”

He threw my phone against the wall and broke it.

“You’re gonna give me the money to replace that.”

He reached into his back pocket and took out his wallet.  He threw it at me and I caught it.

“You think I give a shit about money, Jillian?!”

“You’re out of your mind.”

“And whose fault is that?!”

“It certainly isn’t mine.”

He started to walk towards me and I was slowly backing away from him.  I stopped when my back hit the wall.

“Why is he calling you, Jillian?!  Why in the fuck did you give him your number in the first place, huh?!”

I shrugged my shoulders.

“I think you’re the one that’s outta your fuckin’ mind, Jillian!”

“Look, Randy, I don’t know why he called…”

“Bullshit!”

I allowed myself to slide down the wall and sit on the floor.  Randy stood above me ranting and raving.

“Why are you so mad?”

“Because of you!”  He got down on his knees in front of me.  “I’ve said and done a lot of fucked up shit, Jillian!  I’ll admit it!  I’m an asshole!  But, I would never give my number to another fuckin’ girl!  What the fuck is your problem?!”

“Randy, I gave him my number months ago, and you always knew about it.  What’s the big deal now”

“I never knew it would be like this.”

“Like what?”

“What does it mean when something changes how it’s always been?  What happens, Jill?  What do you do?”

“Nothing’s changed.”

“Why did he call, Jillian?!”

“I don’t know, Randy!  I didn’t even know that he called until you came up here!”

“You’re a no-good, lying bitch!!”

“What?”

“You heard me, Jillian!”

“If you wanna know why Marshall called then why don’t you just call back and ask him yourself?”

“What?”

“You heard me you stupid jack off!!!  Call and ask him yourself!”

He leaned his forehead against mine.

“What are you doing, Randall?”

He put his hands on my face.  “I love it when you call me Randall.  I don’t let anybody else call me that.”

“You’re a stupid piece of shit, Randall.”

“What did you say?”

I pushed him away from me.  “You’re a stupid piece of shit!!  What makes you think you can just come up here and freak out on me for no good reason?!  What’s wrong with you?!”

“You’re what’s wrong with me!  You’ve got me completely fucked up!”

I didn’t say anything.

“So, why is he calling you?”

“Randy, I’m gonna fuckin’ kill you if you don’t quit asking me that!  I told you that I didn’t know!”

He grabbed my hand and yanked my ring off of my finger.

“What are you doing?”

“How do you feel, Jillian?”

“I don’t feel anything right now.”

“You want the ring back on?”

I nodded.

“You really don’t know why he called?”

I shook my head.

He put the ring back on my finger.  “We’re one hundred percent.  There’s nothing we can’t ever fix.”

I nodded my head in agreement.  “We’re one hundred percent.  There’s nothing we can’t ever fix.”

I was a little startled when he started to kiss me, but I didn’t bother to kiss him back.

“You don’t want me to kiss you?”

“You can kiss me all you want, but I’m not gonna kiss you.”

“Are you mad at me, Jillian?”

“A little.”

“Just a little?”

“Just a little.”

Yeah, I know you were hoping for better things between Marshall and I, but don’t give up hope.  He never really goes away.  Wanna know why he was calling me?  I’ll tell you about it later…

Chapter 21

I’ve always been fascinated with the concept of destiny.  Some believe that life is predetermined, while others believe that your destiny is solely based on the decisions that you make.  I’ve never really known what to believe, but for the sake of my sanity, I like to think that life is predetermined.  I like to think that this life was chosen for me.  Why?  Well, it’s not easy knowing that I made bad choices.  It’s not easy knowing that I put others and myself in unpleasant positions.  I’ve never been good at facing consequences.

You probably have no clue what I’m talking about but just bear with me.  I think back on the night I met Marshall and I think about the choices I made and the ones I didn’t make.  What would’ve happened if I told Paris that I didn’t wanna meet him?  How different would things be if I hadn’t exchanged numbers with him?  Was this destiny?  Or was it just a bunch of bad decisions leading up to bad consequences?

There’s not a doubt in my mind about how good of a person Marshall is and I’m pretty confident that I’m a decent person, too.  But, I can’t help but notice that we’ve only made each other miserable.  Separately, we seem like we could do great things for each other, but when we’re in the same room…when we’re actually communicating…things are…um…well, they’re not nice.  I feel comfortable saying that there’s a part of me that hates him and I know that almost every part of him hates me, too.

Just think back to Vegas.  How many times did he say that I was a bitch?  How many other times before that did he say that I was a bitch?  I’m not going to lie, most of those times I did deserve it.  Hell, I most likely deserved it every single time but I had my reasons for acting that way.  I’ve heard that desperate people do desperate things and I couldn’t agree more.  I don’t like to admit it but I can be quite the desperate person.  What does my desperation have to do with ripping Marshall apart?  I had to tear him up.  I felt like I had to get him to just stay away from me.  I was desperate to save Randy.  I was desperate to save myself.  I never bickered with Marshall for fun.  I picked fights with him because I felt like it was the right thing to do.  It was the right thing to do for Randy.  It was the right thing to do for myself.

So, after terrorizing Marshall for what felt like an eternity, things all came crashing down in Las Vegas.  I must admit that when it happened I viewed it as bittersweet.  Of course I hated fighting with him and I figured things between me and Randy would get back on the right track.  Still, I knew that I would miss being around Marshall in some ways.  I guess it’s cool to say that I did sorta love to hate him or hate to love him, whichever works best.  Either way there’s some hating involved.  Am I making sense?  Probably not.  You’ll have to excuse me.  I’m just a little tired.

Look, I don’t wanna bore you or talk so much that I make your ears bleed, but there are some other things that I have to say.  Now, I know I never really addressed this matter, but I think I owe it to you to discuss it a little.  So, I hope you don’t mind, but we’re gonna have to travel back in time to Las Vegas.  The subject was dropped so quickly, so I’m gonna take a few minutes to talk about the “dragging” incident.

I’ve known Randy for a long time and I don’t have a problem saying that we’ve always been a little rough with one another.  Randy gave me a black eye long before Marshall did, but don’t jump to a conclusion, that was also an accident.  I’ve given Randy a shiner, too, and he’s got a permanent scar on his shoulder from me.  But, all of that stuff happened when we used to wrestle around as kids, well, except for the shoulder scar.  I gave him that one on my eighteenth birthday.  It’s not like I could help it, though.  He was *killing* me.  Um, sorry…just had a flashback…anyways…

Yeah, so…What?  Right, I’m supposed to be clearing up the whole “dragging” incident.  Ok, so like I said, Randy and I have always been a little rough with each other.  That’s just the way we are.  I expect a lot of things out of Randy.  There’s not much that he won’t do, but I never thought he would drag me across a floor.  That was…um…it was shocking.  It definitely caught me off-guard.  While it was somewhat strange, I’m not so sure that it was wrong.  Wait.  Scratch that.  I know that it was wrong, but I’m gonna go ahead and not make any sense by saying that it was wrong in a justifiable way.  I guess what I’m trying to say is that he had every right to be mad.  I think.

When you’re dealing with Randy you kinda have to look at things from his point of view, or else you’re not going to understand why he does what he does.  Now, I’ve been mad at Randy before, but I would never drag him across a floor.  I couldn’t if I wanted to anyways.  He’s a lot bigger than me.  Looking at things from Randy’s perspective definitely helps me to not get mad at him in certain situations.  Especially with what happened in Vegas.  I do my best to try and ignore things, but I’m never completely in the dark.  I knew that Randy saw Marshall as a threat from the very beginning.  He certainly didn’t let it show, but I know my Randy.  I know when something is bothering him.  I guess I feel a little bad for not talking to him about it from the start.  If I would’ve told him everything was fine right away, things would most certainly be different.  Sometimes I think that maybe I wasn’t so reassuring because I wasn’t so sure myself.  But, I try not to think that too often.  Truthfully, it depresses me a little… 

Randy let the situation eat at him until he finally lost it.  I can understand him throwing the lamp, I can understand him smacking my hand, I can understand him yelling at me, I can understand all of those things…I can understand everything he did that night.  When it was all said and done I thought about asking Randy just what he was planning to do when he dragged me into the bathroom, but then I decided not to.  I was a little afraid of what the answer might’ve been.  I guess it’s best left alone, but just to speculate (because everyone knows that speculation is fun) I think that he was gonna stick my head in the toilet and drown me.  Seriously.  Well, I’m not serious.  But, wouldn’t that be a fucked up way to die?  It’s one thing to die on the toilet, but to die with your head in the toilet…  Things are getting morbid.  My apologies.

To sum it all up and to make it sound totally trivial, Randy dragged me across the floor because he’s crazy…crazy about me.  He loves me enough to drag me across a floor.  Just think about it.  You’ll understand.  Well, you most likely won’t, but I like wishful thinking.  So, yeah, I’m wishfully thinking that you’ll understand.  I’m also wishing that I’d start to make sense, ‘cause I am really messed up.

Getting back to what’s important right now…I’m sure you’re curious as to why Marshall was calling.  Just sit back, it’s gonna take a little while to get to that.  I know I’m annoying you, but just relax.  I’m annoying myself, too.

I was sitting with Randy (as usual) and we were totally quiet.  I don’t get to say this often, but the silence was deafening.  I’m pretty good about being quiet, but when Randy’s quiet it’s a completely different story.

I put my hand on his shoulder and said, “You feel like a brick.”

He flexed his arm.  “Well, I do workout.”

I rolled my eyes and laughed.  “I meant it like you feel tense.”

“Oh, don’t worry about it.  I’m cool.”

“Ok.”  My eyes roamed around the room for a few seconds and then I said, “I still can’t believe you broke my phone.”

“When are you gonna get over that?  It was a long time ago.”

“It was an *hour* ago!”

“An hour is a long time if you think about it.”

I buried my face in my hands and attempted to clear my head.

“What’s your problem, Jillian?”

I lifted my head back up.  “I really don’t know.”

The room was silent again for a few more minutes.

“Go talk to Marshall.”

I gave him a funny look.  “Go talk to who?”

“Marshall.  Go talk to Marshall.  That is what you wanna do, right?”

“Not necessarily.”

“Why not?”

“Why would I?  Why would you even want me to?”

“I don’t *want* you to, but I feel like it’s the right thing for you to do.”

“You do?”

“Yeah.”

“Since when have you been concerned with doing the right thing?”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“Nothing.”

“Look, it’s fine if you don’t wanna do it.  It was just a suggestion.”

“I guess I could call him.”

“Don’t call him.”

“Well, what am I supposed to do?”

“*Go* talk to him, Jill.  Pay him a visit.”

I put my hand on his forehead.  “Are you sick?”

“No, goofball.”

“Is this some kind of a trick?”

“Jillian, stop questioning me.  If you’re gonna go then go.  If you’re not gonna go then sit your cute ass down.”

“I guess I’m gonna go.”

I couldn’t believe it.  Can you believe it?  What is Randy doing?  He’s so…ugh…he’s just so Randy.

Anyways, on my way to Marshall’s house I was sorta hoping that he wouldn’t be home, but as my luck would have it he was.

He walked out on the front porch and closed his front door behind him.  He didn’t bother inviting me in.

“What do you want?”

I avoided the question.  “You’re not gonna invite me in?”

“No.”

“Why?”

“I’ve got company.”

“A girl?”

“Better.  A woman.”

“I stand corrected.”

“There is a pretty big difference between women and girls.”

“I’m aware of that.”

“See, if I had you in the house, I definitely woulda said girl.  ‘Cause that’s what you are.  You’re a girl.  You’re a little girl with the maturity of a twelve-year-old.”

“I-”

He put up his hand.  “Don’t cut me off.  I’m not done.”

“Sorry.”

“You’re a little girl, Jillian, and I’m a grown man.  What business does a man like myself have chasing after a little girl like you?  I know why you’re with Randy.  It’s because he’s a little boy and you obviously understand that it’s ideal for little boys and girls to be together.”

“Is this why you were calling earlier?  You wanted to rip me apart?”

He put his hand on my face.  “Don’t be silly.  Everybody knows that Randy’s already ripped you from front to back.”  He put his hand back down at his side.

I scowled at him.  “That’s real funny.”

“I noticed somethin’ about you a little while ago.”

“What?”

“You walk funny.”  He smirked.  “I saw you coming up the walkway and it looks like your legs are gonna give out at any second.  You better tell Randy to slow down, especially if he doesn’t know what he’s doin’.”

I didn’t say anything.

“And look at those knees, Jill.”

I looked down but didn’t bother to speak.

“Look at all those bruises on ‘em.  I’m usually not good at givin’ advice, but I seriously suggest you stay off your knees for a while.  I know Randy probably likes you bein’ down on the floor, but you gotta think about yourself sometimes.”

“I hope you’re enjoying yourself right now, Marshall.”

“I am.”

“The only reason why I came here is because Randy told me that I should.  I guess he figured that it would be good for me and you to end things on a positive note but it looks like that won’t be happening.  I would’ve been just fine staying at home.  I wasn’t exactly expecting this to be great, but I didn’t think I would come all the way here and have you be a complete asshole.”

“Why would Randy send you to talk to me?”

I shrugged my shoulders.  “I don’t know.  Maybe because he’s Randy and he does a lot of dumb shit.”

“Works for me.”

“So, why were you calling me?”

“I wasn’t really callin’ to talk to you.  I wanted to talk to Randy.”

“What?  Why?  Is it just me or is this like a really bad episode of “The Twilight Zone”?”

He smiled.  “I can stand here and tear into you and make you feel bad about the shit you do with Randy, but I don’t see anything wrong with it truthfully.  I’m still pissed about you rubbin’ the shit in my face, but other then that I don’t have a problem.”

“Ok, that’s fine, but why did you wanna talk to Randy?”

“I don’t hate you, Jill.  I really want to, but I don’t.  Most of me still sees and will always see you as a nice person.  A very complex person, but still a really nice one.”

“Uh, thanks, but you’re not answering my question and it’s really starting to frustrate me.”

“I wanted to tell him how lucky he is.”

“I’m pretty sure he knows.”

“Really?”

“Really.”

“So, why didn’t you answer your phone earlier?”

“I didn’t have it, Randy did.”

“Well, why didn’t he answer it?”

“I don’t know.  Maybe I’ll ask him.”

“Well, try to have your phone with you later.  I’ll call back.”

“You can call all you want, but I won’t answer the phone.”

“Why?”

“It’s broken.”

He rolled his eyes.  “I’m not even gonna ask what happened to it.”

“Good.”

“I still wanna tell Randy how lucky he his.”

“Randy would kill me if I gave you the number to the house, but he’d probably only yell at me if I gave you the number to his cell.”

“So?”

“So, I’ll give you Randy’s number.”

He reached into his pocket and pulled out his cell, so I gave him Randy’s number and he programmed it into his phone.

“Jill, I really gotta go.”

“Do you really have a girl in there?”

“No, but I do have a woman in there.”

“Honestly?”

“What the fuck am I gonna lie for?”

I shrugged my shoulders.  “Beats me.”

“Well, I really do hafta go, so I’ll see you around.”

He went in the house and shut the door without saying anything.

“Well, goodbye to you too.”  I muttered under my breath.

I went back home to find Randy lying on the couch.  I kicked off my shoes and walked over to him.

“Randy.”

He looked up at me.  “What, honey?”

“He wanted to talk to you.”

“Huh?”

“When Marshall called he didn’t wanna talk to me.  He wanted to talk to you.”  I frowned.  “You got mad at me for no reason.  You freaked out for nothing.”

“Why would he wanna talk to me?”

I didn’t answer the question.  “I think you owe me an apology.”

“An apology?  For what?”

“You were really mean to me and let’s not forget that you broke my phone.”

“Alright…fine…I’m sorry.  Ok?”

“Ok.”

“So, why did he wanna talk to me?”

“To tell you how lucky you are.”

“To tell me how lucky I am?  What the fuck?  Lucky?  I’m not lucky.”

“You’re not?”

“Lucky to have you?  No, I’m not.”

I glared at him.  “You better have a good explanation as to why you’re not lucky.”

He sat up and ran his hand over the top of his head.  “Jillian, I’ve never felt lucky to have you.  Why would I feel lucky?  My relationship with you has nothing to do with luck.  I’ve had you forever, Jill.  What’s so fuckin’ lucky about that?  Me and you, we’re destiny.  Fuck luck.  Do you know what luck would be?  If you left me for Marshall, that would be luck.  That would make him lucky.”

“We’re destiny?”

“Why else would we have made it this far?”

“I ask myself that everyday.”

“Well, now you don’t have to.  It’s destiny, Jilly-Jill.”

His phone started to ring.  “So, the phone ringing…is that destiny, too?”

“Very funny.”  He picked the phone up and answered it.  “Hello?”

There was a long pause and then Randy put the phone down on the couch and said, “Jillian, I’m gonna kill you.”

“Why?”

“You gave him *my* number.  Are you crazy?”

“No.”  I looked down at the phone.  “You put him on hold?”

“Yeah.”

“What was he saying to you?”

“I wasn’t really listening.”

“Randy!”

“What?”

“You’re so rude.”

“I’m not rude.  I heard the last thing he said.”

“What did he say?”

“He invited us over.”

“He did?”

“Yeah, I guess he met a girl.  He wants us to meet her.”

Chapter 22

I was having trouble understanding why Marshall would want both Randy and me to meet his “woman.”  I guess I could almost understand why he would want me to meet her.  But why would he want Randy to meet her?

To be quite honest, I had no desire to be introduced to this girl--I mean, woman.  Pardon me.  If I wanted to meet her I would’ve asked him to introduce us when I was at his house.  Still, I agreed to do it. 

So, Randy and I arrived at Marshall’s house and I was starting to have doubts.  You know how you get a bad feeling in the pit of your stomach?  I pretty much knew something bad was going to happen.

Anyways, Marshall came to the door with Marianne at his side.  That’s right, her name is Marianne.    She’s like the exact opposite of me.  She’s short, like around 5’ 4”.  She has strawberry blonde hair, blue eyes, pale skin, and a shapely figure.  I guess it just goes to show that Marshall doesn’t really go for the same type of woman every time.

Marshall introduces me to Marianne and I say, “My mother grew up with a girl named Marianne.”

“Really?”  She smiled.

“Yeah, but she killed herself.”  And I killed the warm mood that everyone seemed to be in.

I flinched when Randy reached behind my back and pinched me.

“Um, dinner’s ready now.”  Marshall said.  “You guys wanna eat?”  He seemed a little uneasy.

Randy shrugged his shoulders.  “I don’t see why not.”  He looked at me.  “You hungry, Jill?”

“I guess so.”

Randy and I sat at the dining room table while Marshall and Marianne brought out the food.  After a few minutes they sat down and everyone started eating.  Well, everyone except me.

“What’s the matter, Jill?”  Marshall asked.  “You don’t feel good?”

I was stabbing the food with my fork.  “I guess I just don’t feel like eating right now.”

“Why not?”

Cute little Marianne provided an answer for me.  “Maybe she’s on that new Hollywood diet.  What’s it called?  Oh yeah…starvation.”

It looked like Randy was going to say something to her but I spoke up before he could.  “No, Marianne, it’s not that.  It’s just, whenever I look at things as horrid as you I tend to lose my appetite.”

She threw her butter knife at me and it flew right past my face.  I jumped out of my chair but Randy grabbed me and forced me to sit back down.  “Whoa!  Whoa!  Whoa!  Jill, calm down!”

“She just threw something at me!”

Randy looked over at Marshall.  “If you don’t do something about her I’m gonna let Jill kick her ass.”

Marshall took Marianne in the other room to talk to her.

I looked at Randy.  “Can you believe that shit?!”

“Just chill out.”

“Why are you being so calm about this?  Why are we even here?  You hate Marshall!  Why are we having dinner at his house?  This makes absolutely no sense to me!”

He laughed and patted my shoulder.  “Jillian, you need to settle down.”

“And you need to stop pretending that you’re--”

Randy put his hand over my mouth when Marsh and his “woman” came back into the room.  He removed it when he was sure that I wouldn’t blurt anything out.

“I’m sorry, Jill.”  Marshall seemed sympathetic.

“Why are you apologizing?  You didn’t throw anything at me.”  I looked at Marianne.  “You threw something you stupid bitch!”

Before I knew it me and this chick were screaming and yelling obscenities at each other.  Randy’s holding me and telling me to shut-up and Marshall is yelling for everyone to shut-up.  I pushed Randy away from me and he fell out of his chair.  I made my way over to the other side of the table in an attempt to rip Marianne’s head off, but Marshall stopped me.  He had a rough time with me, though.  He actually had me pinned down on the floor by my wrists. 

“Jillian, it’s not that big of a deal!”

Randy got up and said, “Don’t worry, man.  I got her.”

Marshall got off of me and Randy picked me up and put me over his shoulder.

“Randy, put me down!”

“I’ll put you down when you stop kicking and screaming.”

My whole body stilled and I became dead silent.  Randy put me back on my feet and I said, “I wanna go home.”

“You don’t hafta go home, Jill.”  Marshall said.  “Everything’s ok.  It’s cool now.”

“You promise?”

“I promise.”

“Alright.  Fine.”

We all sat back down and I couldn’t believe that I decided to stay.

Marshall said to Marianne, “I think you owe Jill an apology.”

She smiled at me.  “I’m sorry, Jill.”

I nodded my head.  “I know you are.”

I could tell that I had made her angry again but she attempted to get a friendly conversation going.

“I like your music.  I’m not usually a big fan of the piano, but I guess I like the way you play.  Still, I think it would be better if you went for a more upbeat sound.”

“Don’t tell me what would be better.  I’ve been playing the fucking piano since I was three-years-old!  I think I know what’s good and what’s not!”

Marshall put his hand over his forehead.  “Why can’t you two get along?”

I got angry.  “Oh shut-up, Marshall!”

“What did I do?”

“You knew we wouldn’t get along!  That’s why you wanted me to meet her!  You wanted to get my blood boiling!  Well good job, buddy!  Mission fucking accomplished!”

“I--”

“You’re a rotten bastard, Marshall!  How long have you known this girl?!  What?!  Like a week?!  Then you wanna insult me and say that she’s a woman and I’m a little girl?!  What the fuck?!  Are you blind?!  Are you stupid?!”

Marianne was opening her big mouth again.  “The only stupid person here is you, Jillian!”

Ok, that was it.  Randy tried to grab me again but I got away from him.  I may be a skinny little bitch, but I can be pretty damn strong when I need to be.  I pushed past Marshall and literally jumped on Marianne.  I fell on top of her and I just started hitting her.  I’m not the type to bite, kick, and scratch during a fight.  I ball up my fist and I go straight for the face.  I could hear Randy and Marshall arguing and I could feel them both pulling on me and trying to get me off of this girl, but I wouldn’t budge.  So, at this point she’s pushing to get me off of her and two guys are pulling on me, but I’m not moving either way.  The blood on her face took me out of my zone and I calmed down a little.  Randy pulled on me so hard that both of us fell over.  Marshall picked up Marianne and once again carried her into the other room.

Randy stood up and then helped me to my feet.  “Holy shit, Jillian!  What the fuck was that?!”

“She pissed me off.”  I started to rub my hand.

“What’s wrong?”

“It hurts.”

“You didn’t break it, did you?”

“No, it’s all right.”

“You sure?”

I nodded.  “Yeah.”

Randy was looking me over and making sure that I was ok when Marshall and Marianne came back into the dining room.  Her face was all cleaned up and I could see where there would be some bruising.

She walked up to Randy and me and said, “It was nice meeting you both.”  Then she turned around and Marshall followed her to walk her out the front door.  He returned a few minutes later.

“Randy, do you mind if I talk to Jillian for a minute?”

He hesitated but accepted.  “I’ll just go outside.”

I watched Randy walk away and then looked at Marshall.  “I can’t believe you.”

“Jillian, I didn’t mean for this to be--”

“Just save it, Marshall.  You knew this would happen.”

“You think I want people fighting in my house?”

“You knew I wouldn’t like her.”

“No, I didn’t.  I don’t see why you don’t like her, anyways.  She didn’t do anything to you.”

“She threw a butter knife at me!”

He covered his ears.

“Now what, Marshall?”

“I can’t stand your voice.  It’s the most annoying sound I’ve ever heard.  I don’t know how I put up with it for so long?  How does Randy put up with it?  God, I feel bad.  I don’t give that guy enough credit.”

“Why are you being so hateful?”

“Because I’m dealing with you.  Hateful is the only way to be when it comes to dealing with you.”

“So, where’d you pick her up, Marshall?  Did you hire her to piss me off?”

“Proof introduced me to her a few nights ago.”

“Nice.”

“I don’t really like her.”

“No?  Really?”  I smacked my lips.

“But what am I supposed to do?  I gotta move on, right?”

“You can’t move on without pissing me off in the process?”

“I wrote her a check.”

“What?”

“She was gonna press charges against you.  I wrote her a check.”

“That was thoughtful of you but I can fight my own battles.”

“Yeah, I noticed.  Where’d you learn to fight like that?”

“I grew up with Randy.”

“Oh…”

“So, are you happy now?”

“About what?”

“This whole thing being over.”

“It’s over?”

I shrugged my shoulders.

“Well, yeah Jill.  I guess it is over.  Especially since you’re moving away.”

“Moving away?”

“How long were you gonna wait to tell me that you were moving to California?  Were you gonna tell me at all?”

“How do you know about that?”

“If you don’t want your business spread then you probably shouldn’t tell Paris about it.”

I laughed.

“What’s so funny, Jill?”

“I love Paris.  She’s great.”

“When are you leaving?”

“I don’t know yet.”

“Do you wanna leave?”

“Doesn’t really matter.”

“It matters to me.”

“What?”

“I don’t want you to leave.”

“What difference is it gonna make to you, Marshall?  It’s not like you and me actually have something going here.  We’re better off without each other.”

“Did your mom really have a friend named Marianne?”

“Yeah.  You thought I made it up?”

“I thought you made up the part about her killing herself.”

“I wouldn‘t do that.”

“Oh, I thought you said it just to be cruel.”

“Jesus, Marshall.  I’m not that bad.”

“I’m gonna miss you when you leave, Jill.”

“Why?”

“I guess I’m just used to havin’ you around now.”  He stopped and thought for a moment.  “You really do make me miserable, though.”

“I noticed.  You seem a lot funnier on television, Marshall.  You never do or say anything funny around me.”

“It’s hard to have a sense of humor around you.”  He smiled.  “You watch me on TV?”

“I used to, but not so much anymore.”

“Paris said you had a crush on me before you met me.”

“Paris is a little slow.”

“Yeah, but she more than often speaks the truth.”

“I remember when the Slim Shady LP came out and I had a poster of you on my wall.”

“Really?”

“Yeah.”  I started laughing.  “And then Randy threw something against the wall and it hit the poster and put a rip in it.  Right in the middle of your forehead.”

“What did he throw?”

“I think it was his shoe.”

“He’s crazy.”

“I know, but he can be funny as hell.”

“Randy?  Funny?  I can’t picture it.”

“Well, my sense of humor is a little off, so maybe that’s why he’s so funny to me.”  I thought back a little.  “Like, our first date never happened.”

“Why?  What happened?”

“It was like the week after my birthday and he came over my house to take me out and my mother and father were there.  So my dad says to Randy, “Keep your dick out of my daughter.  There’s no telling where you’ve been.”  And Randy was so fucking pissed!  So, when my parents left he’s just freaking out and saying “I’m gonna kick your dad’s ass!” and all this other stuff.  Then he’s pacing around the living room and he suddenly gets this bright idea.  He asks me, “You and your mom never take the trash out, do you?”  And I’m like, “No.  Why?”  So we go into the kitchen and he says, “Turn your head if you don’t wanna see this.”  But of course I didn’t think anything of it.  So, I say, “Why would I need to turn my head?”  Then before I know it he’s whipping his shit out and taking a piss in our fucking trash can!”

“So, he pissed in your kitchen?”

“Yeah, and then he thought about shitting in the garage but then he realized that he didn’t have to go at that time.”

He laughed.  “That sounds like something I woulda did when I was a kid.”

“Yeah, it’s a little sad that Randy was twenty-one at the time.”

He laughed again.  “So, why didn’t the date happen?”

“Randy really wanted to see how my dad would react so we waited around until my parents got home.  Randy and me were sitting on the couch in the living room and they walked right past us and straight into the kitchen.  Suddenly, me dad yells out, “What the fuck is that smell?!”  Then Randy buried his face in my lap to keep from laughing.  It’s like he tried to stop but he just couldn’t.  So, my dad comes back into the living room and tells me and Randy to go in the kitchen.  We all walk in and my dad asks, “What does that smell like to you guys?”  And Randy says, “It smells like teen spirit to me, sir.”  Who knew teen spirit smelled like piss and garbage?  But, anyways Randy kept laughing so I took him upstairs with me for a while.  Then we uh…well, ya know…then afterwards he rolled over and started laughing again.  I was kinda mad at first but the fact that he couldn’t stop laughing about something that was so stupid really made me laugh.”

“That has to be the stupidest story I’ve ever heard.”

“I know, I feel like my IQ went down a couple of points just for telling it.”

“I didn’t think your IQ could get any lower, Jill.”

I smiled at him.  “So, are you gonna be busy over the next few days?  You don’t have any plans with Marianne, do you?”

“No.  Why?  You’re not gonna try and mess with my head again, are you?

“Mess with your head?  When have I ever done that?”

“So now you wanna act innocent?”

I threw my hands up.  “I am innocent!”

“Innocent people don’t walk around with someone else’s blood on their hands.”

I looked at my knuckles.  “Whatever.  I’m still innocent.  She deserved it.”

He stood there looking at me.  “I never really noticed it before, but you are kinda slender.”

“Slender?”

“Yeah.  You’re willowy.”

“Willowy, huh?  That’s a lot better then telling me that I look like a rake.”

“Well as long as you don’t look like you’re dying…”

“You know I can’t really help it, right?”

“Help what?”

“The way I look.  I’ve always been like this.  Your girl pissed me off when she accused me of starving myself.  I know I’m considered perfect in the minds of the media but I don’t look like this because of the media.  I’m not a media whore.”

“You don’t have to explain anything to me.”

“In a world where everyone is trying to lose weight I actually wouldn‘t mind gaining some.”

“I always did think you were a little backwards.”

“I should’ve known we’d end up like this.”

“Like what?”

“I don’t know.  I guess I just really wanted to say that.” 

“I gotta pick Hailie up in a little while.”

“Oh…well, I guess I’ll go.”  I reached out to shake his hand.

He laughed.  “You think I’m gonna shake your hand, Jill?”  He opened his arms to hug me and I gladly accepted.  I like hugs.

“Oh great, Marshall, now I’m gonna smell like you.”

He let me go.  “What do I smell like?”

“Like Oscar Mayer wieners.”

“Do you like Oscar Mayer products?”

“Not really, I just really like to say wiener.”

“I’ll bet.”  He smiled at me.  “So, I’ll see you later?”

“Yeah.”  I patted his shoulder and walked out of the house.

Randy was sitting on the front steps.

“You could’ve waited in the car.”

“What difference does it make?”

“None really.”

He stood up and grabbed me by the wrist.  “Come on.”

“What’s the matter with you?”

He didn’t say anything.  He just dragged me out to the car.

Finally, he spoke up.  “What am I gonna do with you?”

“What do you mean?”

“Why were you fighting with that girl?”

“Am I the only one that saw the butter knife fly right past my face?!”

“You were hostile as soon as you met her.  You didn’t even give her a chance.”

“Hostile?  Because I told her that my mom’s friend killed herself?”

“Why else would you tell her that?”

“To make conversation!”

We didn’t say another word to each other until we got home.  I went upstairs and climbed right into bed.  Randy wasn’t too far behind.  I laid there and he sat on the edge of the bed.

“You don’t like her because you’re jealous of her.”

I sat up.  “What?”

“You heard what I said, Jillian.”

“Why would I be jealous?”

“Because she was with Marshall.”

“Randy, what the--”

“You’re in love with him, Jill.  Admit it.”

“I’m not--”

He got up rather quickly.  “And don’t even think about lying to me!”

“Randy, I think you--”

Damn, I couldn’t even get a full sentence out.

“Why are we together, Jill?”

“What kind of a question is that?”

“Don’t act dumb.  I know you’ve thought about leaving me before.”

“No I haven’t.”

“You’re lying, Jill.  I hate it when you lie.”

I shook my head and said calmly, “I’m not lying.”

“Right.  That’s why you were sticking your tongue down Marshall’s throat while I was in New York!  No wonder you didn’t wanna go!  Why go to New York with me when you can stay at home and fuck around with Marshall instead?!”

“If you really feel that way then why have you been so tolerant of him lately?”

“Because of you.  I’d put up with anything for you.”  He covered his face with his hands.  “I know you wanna be around him, Jill.”

I got up and tried to hug him but he wouldn’t let me.  “Not now, Jillian.  I really don’t want you touching me right now.”  I moved out of his way and he left the room and spent the rest of the day downstairs.

I had fallen asleep and a few hours later I felt him nudging me.  I rolled onto my back and looked up at him.  “Hi.”

“Your mom is here.”

“My mom?  What time is it?”

“It’s ten o’clock.”

“Why is she here this late?”

“I don’t know, but she’s crying.”

I got out of bed.  “Crying?”

He nodded.  “Yeah.  She won’t tell me why.”

I went downstairs to find my mother sitting in the living room.  “Mom?  What’s wrong?”

She looked up at me and she looked awful.  Her eyes were red and puffy.  I could tell she had been crying for a while.

“It’s your father, Jillian.”

“What happened?  He’s not dead, is he?”

She shook her head.  “No, Jill.  He wants a divorce.”

“A divorce?  Why?”

“I don’t know, honey.”  She wiped her eyes.  “You don’t mind me staying here, do you?”

“No, of course not.”  I thought for a minute.  “Look, I’m gonna go and talk to Dad, ok?  Maybe I can see what the problem is.”

“You don’t have to do that.”

“It’s not a big deal.” 

I gave her a hug and went back upstairs to my bedroom.

“My dad wants a divorce from my mom, Randy.”

“Really?  Wow…I never saw that coming.”

“I’m gonna go and talk to him.”

“You sure you wanna do that?”

I nodded.  “Yeah, I’ll be back shortly.”

“What about your mom?”

“What about her?”

“What am I supposed to do with her?  I’ve never been left alone with your mom before.”

“I’m sure you’ll be fine.  Just try to comfort her.  You think you can do that?”

“I guess so.”

“Alright.  I’ll be back.”

I drove to the house that my parents shared.  The house I bought for them to share…

I rang the doorbell about six times before my father finally answered.

“Jillian?  What do you want?”

I pushed past him and walked into the house.  “Why are you leaving Mom?”

“Why not?”

“I don’t know, you tell me.”

“I can’t deal with your mother anymore, Jillian.  Hell, I never could deal with her.  Do you know the reason I married your mother?”

“’Cause you love her?”

“No, because she was knocked up.  She was pregnant with you and the last thing I wanted was some bastard kid running around.”  He cracked a smile.  “For a while I didn’t even think you were my kid.  The first time I saw you all I saw was this baby that didn’t look anything like me.  You didn’t look Cuban at all.  You looked just like your mother.  I saw the Black and Italian in you but I couldn’t see any of me.  I thought that maybe your father was one of your mom’s old boyfriends.”

“But, I am your kid.  Right?”

“Unfortunately.”

That really hurt my feelings.

“You know why me and your mother never had any more kids?  Because I refused to have another you running around.  As soon as you could talk I knew my hands would be full.  Your behavior got worse and worse every year.  You were a whore by the time you were thirteen.”

I didn’t say a word.  I was in shock.

“Just tell the truth, Jillian.  You didn’t wait until you were eighteen.  As soon as you hit puberty you were fucking around with Randy.”

“That’s not true.”

“You keep telling yourself that.”

I didn’t bother to say anything else.  I just walked out of the front door and went back home.

I got there to find Randy’s parents sitting on the couch with my mom.

“Rick?  Karen?  What are you guys doing here?”

“Randy called us.”  Karen said.  “He told us about your mom so we decided to come over and offer our support.”

I saw duffel bags sitting next to the couch.  “Are you guys staying here, too?”

Rick smiled at me.  “We sure are, sweetheart.”

“Where’s Randy?”

My mom pointed to the staircase so I took the hint and went up the stairs.  I entered my bedroom and Randy was sitting on the bed and watching television.

“You were afraid to be alone with my mom?”

“Not afraid.  Just uncomfortable.”  He shifted around a little bit.  “So, what did your dad say?”

I told Randy everything my dad said.  I didn’t skip a beat.  It was word for word.

Before I knew it he was flipping out.

“Calm down, Randy.  The most he did was hurt my feelings a little.  It’s ok.  You don’t have to be angry.”

He settled down a little and then we went back downstairs to be with our parents.  We all sat around and talked and spent the better part of the night trying to make my mom feel better.  When we were sure that everything was all right we headed to bed.

I woke up at around 4 a.m. and realized that Randy wasn’t in bed.  I didn’t think anything of it at first.  I figured that maybe he just had to go to the bathroom or something.  When I checked around and didn’t see him I started to get a little concerned.  I peaked out the window and saw that his car was gone.  Finally, I started to freak out and I went downstairs to the kitchen.  Rick was there looking in the refrigerator.

He heard me walk in and turned around.  “Uh-oh.  Here comes trouble.”

I smiled at him.  “You don’t know what trouble is, Rick.”

He laughed.  “I bet my son does.”

“Oh, yeah.  He definitely knows.”  I poked my lips out.  “Speaking of your son…where is he, Rick?”

“Is he gone?”

I nodded.

“I don’t know where he is, sweetie.  I didn’t hear anything.”

“You wouldn’t be mad at me if I beat the crap outta Randy, would ya?”

“I could never be mad at you, Jillian.  You’re like the daughter I never had.”

“I would love to be your daughter.”

“No you wouldn’t.  That would make you and Randy brother and sister and I would never allow incest.”

I laughed.  “That’s gross!”

He rubbed my shoulder.  “If you and Randy ever broke up I would still think of you as a part of the family.  So if it ever comes to that you’ll never have to worry.”

“Thank you, Rick.”

“No problem, pretty girl.”  He chuckled.  “So, Randy tells me that you got in a fight earlier.”

“Yeah, I did.”

“When are you not fighting, Jillian?”  He laughed again.  “Do you remember Stacie?”

“Stacie?  I don’t think so.”

“Oh, come on.  You remember her.  You broke her nose.”

“Randy’s first girlfriend?”

“Yeah, that’s her.”  He rubbed his chin.  “She wasn’t really his girlfriend, though.”

“What was she?”

“She was nobody really.”

“His first fuck?”

“No, she wasn’t that either.  She probably would’ve been if it weren’t for you, though.  Thank God for you, Jillian.  There’s no telling what Randy would’ve caught from her.  She was nothing but a cum-guzzling gutter slut.  Randy only went out with her because he knew she was easy.  If they would’ve known each other for another twenty minutes my son would probably have Herpes right now.”

“I didn’t know that.  I just knew that I didn’t like her.”

“I didn’t like her, either.  She was an evil little bitch.”

I laughed.  “I love you, Rick.  You’re the man.”

“Think you can tell Karen that?  She never believes me when I say it.”

“I’ll put in a good word for you.”

He pinched my cheeks.  “I’m gonna go back to bed, kiddo.  If you need help dumping Randy’s body just come and get me.”

“Good night, Rick.”

“Good night, Jillian.”

I went in the living room and laid down on the couch.  About thirty minutes later I heard Randy coming in the door.

Without sitting up I said, “Where were you?”

He moved my legs out of the way and sat down next to me.  It was dark so I was having trouble seeing his face.  “Randy, where were you?”

“I had to take care of something.”

I sat up.  “Like what?”

“Your dad.”

“What?” 

He turned on the lamp and then looked at me.

“What happened to your face, Randy?”  His left eye was swollen.

“I got in a fight.”

“With my dad?!”

“He hit me first.”

“Oh God…you didn’t kill him, did you?”

“No, but I should have.”

“You left out in the middle of the night to fight with my dad?”

“I wasn’t planning on fighting him, Jill.  I wanted to get him to apologize to you.”

“And he hit you?”

“Yeah.”

I completely changed the subject.

“Do you really think I’m in love with Marshall?”

“I know you are.”

I tucked my hair behind my ears.  “Then why are we together?”

Chapter 23

I wasn’t sure if I was actually looking for an answer from Randy.  I think maybe I was just getting him back for asking me the same ridiculous question.  You should never ask the person you’re with why you’re with them.  It hurts.  But I guess if you’re aiming to hurt them it’s the perfect inquiry…

In a way I was expecting him to blow up but he didn’t.  He just gave me this look that I really can’t describe.  There was a hint of anger and a dash of sympathy in there somewhere.

Before I knew it he was hugging me.  Practically squeezing the air out of me.  I actually made an “Mmph” sound.

“Randy, you’re hurting me.”

“I know.  But you like it.  And I gotta do what you like.  I have to.  ‘Cause if I don’t do what you like you’ll leave.  If you leave I’ll die.  I’ll die if you leave, Jillian.”

OK, that scared me…It really scared me…

I’m not sure why it scared me, though.  It seemed like it should’ve been something that I wanted to hear.  Well, I think I really did wanna hear it.  I just never expected to hear it.  Randy is Randy.  It’s not like him to say things like that.

I gulped.  “You’ll die?”

He let me go and put his hands on my knees.

“What are you doing?”

He succeeded in prying my legs open.  “Look at those bruises.  How did you get those?”

“You put them there.”

“And why did I do that, Jill?”

“Because I--”

“Because you wanted me to.  I’ll do anything you want.  Even if I don’t feel right doing it.  I’ll do everything and anything possible to keep you around.”

Stupid question alert in…3...2...

“Why?”

He didn’t bother answering it.  “I was scared to death when you started crying.”

“When I started crying?”

“Yeah.  At your parents house.  In the bathroom.”

“Oh.”

“It was like all jets were revving and before I knew it you were crying.  Back then I assumed it was because of the pain.  But with the way you were crying…now I kinda think it was something else.”

“Like what?”

“I don’t know.  You gotta tell me.”

“I honestly don’t have a clue.”  I shook my head.  “I don’t know what it was.”

“You tell Marshall about all that stuff?”

“All what stuff?”

“That’s why he’s so concerned with you.  Maybe you should’ve been an actress, Jillian.  You do a fine job of making yourself look like a victim.”

“A victim?  I don’t wanna be a victim.  I don’t want anyone to think of me as a victim.”

“He can’t leave you alone because he thinks I’m terrorizing you.”

“No he doesn’t.”

“Maybe not now.  But he did before.  Didn’t he?”

“Yeah…I guess so...Maybe.”

“So, now what does he think?”

I shrugged my shoulders.

“You made him think he actually had a chance.  Didn’t you?”

“Who’s to say that he didn’t or doesn’t have a chance?”

“What are you trying to say?”

“You said it yourself, Randall.  I love Marshall, right?  And if I love him then I think it’s pretty obvious that he does have a chance.”

“You’re fucking with me.”

“I am?”

“Yeah.  You are.  That’s what you do.”

I didn‘t always know it and I really don‘t like to say it..  But I am a victim.  A victim of Randy?  Of course not.  Shit, Randy’s my fucking hero. 

I’m a victim of my father.  That prick never ever made me feel loved.

I remember when I was a little girl and my dad would have some of his friends over.  They would get together on Saturday nights and play cards in the den.  I would go around and sit on each of their laps.  Except my dad.  I would skip right over him.  His friends were so nice to me and it was exactly what I needed.  I have this thing where I just really like to be around men.  Well, men that are nice to me.

My dad used to always try to kick me out of the room but his friends wouldn’t allow it.  Every time I sat on someone’s lap they started winning.  They called me their good luck charm.  That made me feel good.  Any form of affection from a male makes me feel like I’m on top of the world.

I stopped sitting with them when I got to be around thirteen.  I would’ve done it for much longer if I weren’t told that it was inappropriate.

I still don’t really think that it was inappropriate.  I mean, I know a thirteen-year-old girl sitting on the laps of a bunch of grown men doesn’t exactly sound right but I was doing it for reasons that were nowhere near inappropriate.

Most people think that I hung out at Randy’s house all the time just to see him.  And while that might have been the main reason I was also there to see Rick.  It’s kinda funny.  I think I sat on Rick’s lap until I was nineteen.  No one ever said anything about it, either.  Randy, Rick, and Karen all know my situation.  They know all about my dad.  They know I crave affection.  They know I need a father figure.

“I’m not fucking with you, Randy.  Not intentionally.”  I rubbed my eyes.  “I need to go to bed.”

I left him sitting on the couch and I went upstairs to get some sleep. 

I got up in the morning and it was weird knowing that Randy was at home with me but not in bed with me.

I went downstairs and he was asleep on the couch.  I thought about it for a minute and laid down on top of him.  He woke up instantly.

“What’s the matter?  Feeling deprived?”

“A little.”

“I should have gone to bed with you.”

“It’s ok.  You were mad.  I understand.”

“I’m still mad.”

“Why?”

“Because you’re acting like you don’t know what you want.”

“I do know what I want.”

“Oh yeah?  What?”

“Breakfast.”

I tried to get up but he pulled me back down.

“Why do you always pick the worst time to joke around?”

“Because it helps.”

He let me up and I went into the kitchen.  I looked around and realized that I didn’t feel like cooking so I went upstairs to get one of my elders. 

I decided to get Karen since my mom was more than likely still depressed and I certainly don’t have a lot of faith in Rick’s cooking skills.  I went into the guest room that Rick and Karen were staying in.

“Hey.”  I shook Karen’s shoulder.  “Get up and make me breakfast.”

She sat up and looked at me like I was crazy.  “Where are your manners, young lady?”

“You know my manners don’t go into effect until after breakfast.”

She smiled at me.  “That’s right.  I forgot.  I’m sorry.  So, what do you want me to make?”

“French toast.”

“Ok.  French toast it is.”

I love Karen.  She’s so motherly.  My mom means the world to me but I always felt like she tried too hard to be my friend.  I have enough friends…

Breakfast and lunch came and went and my mother still hadn’t gotten out of bed.  I did the right thing and went to go check on her.

“Mom, why don’t you get up?”

“I don’t want to, Jillian.”

“So, you’re gonna just let this thing eat at you?”

“This is more than just a thing!  I’ve been married to this man for twenty-two years and now he’s leaving me!”

“If I were you I’d be happy.  He’s an asshole anyways.  Why would you wanna stay with him?”

“Did Randy put that into your head?”

“What does Randy have to do with any of this?”

“The only reason you and your father aren’t on good terms is because you chose Randy over him, Jillian.”

I laughed.  “What the fuck are you on?”

“Watch your mouth.”

“So now you wanna take on the role of a mother?”

“What is that supposed to mean?”

I ignored the question.  “I’m not on good terms with your soon-to-be-ex-husband because he’s the poorest excuse for a father this world has ever seen!”

“Jill--”

“And you know that, Mom!  You’ve always known it!  You knew from day one that he didn’t want any part of me!  But what happened?  Your parents forced you guys to get married because you were pregnant!  I don’t know how you managed to stay married this long!  You fought every single fucking day!  What did you do to get him to stay, Mom?!  You sat on the shelf and became a trophy wife.  Sure, you argued back every now and then but you were put in your place by the end of the day.  You knew your role.”

“You’re full of it, Jillian.”

“Think what you want.  I don’t really give a shit.”

“Where is all this coming from?”

“I’m not stupid, Mom.  And choosing Randy over Dad?  That’s one of the most idiotic bullshit statements I’ve ever heard.  You know why Dad doesn’t like Randy?  Because I’m happy with Randy.  You know why Dad was pressuring Randy to marry me?  Because he thought that Randy wouldn’t wanna do it.  He thought that Randy wouldn’t wanna put up with it.  Dad thought that Randy would just say, “fuck it” and leave me.  Why else would Dad want Randy to marry me when the two of them have never gotten along?  And Randy’s no dummy, either.  He knew what he was doing when he gave me the ring.  It’s a big slap across Dad’s face.  And all of that shit about me being a whore…give me a fucking break!  That motherfucker‘s just looking for an excuse!”

I walked away and slammed the door as I left the room.  Randy was standing right there.

“You really let her have it.”

“I know.”

“You feel bad about it?”

“Should I?”

“No.  I would’ve done the same thing.”

“Me and you.  We’re gonna be good at the whole parenting thing, right?”

“I’m sure we will.”

“You wanna have a baby?”

“NOW?!”

“I guess that means that you don’t.”

“Jillian, you’re just caught up in everything that’s going on.  You don’t want a baby right now.”

I changed the subject before it turned into something catastrophic.

“I need to go and see Marshall.  Is that alright with you?”

“Why do you need to go?”

“I need to talk to him.”

“You just wanna talk to him?  You’re not gonna go over there and do something stupid, are you?”

“What would be a stupid thing for me to do?”

“Just go before I change my mind.”

I called Marshall before I left to let him know that I was coming over.  When I got there he seemed glad to see me.  Not overly happy.  But happy enough.

“So, what did you wanna talk about?”

“About me.”

“You came all the way over here to talk about yourself?  Damn, you’re conceited.”

I playfully punched him in the arm.  “That’s not what I meant.”

“What did you mean?”

“I feel bad.”

“About what?”

“About everything I’ve put you through.”

“What have you put me through?”

“Are you telling me that you don’t know?”

“I‘m telling you that I wanna hear you say it.”

I frowned at him.  “I don’t like to think of myself as a fragile person.  But the more I look things over the more I realize that that’s exactly what I am.  I am in constant need of reassurance.  I love Randy because he understands that.  Other people may not see that he understands but he definitely does.  He’s great at providing me with a sense of security.”

He nodded so I assumed that he was expecting me to say more.

“And I love you to death, Marshall.  I love you because…well, I don’t know why I love you but I do.  I’m still amazed by the fact that you were able to care a great deal about me in such a short amount of time.  And I’m not only amazed at that fact.  I’m in love with that fact.”

“It’s easy to care about you.  I don’t know what it is but you have this thing about you.  I just wanna be there for you.”

I started to smile.  “You make me feel good.  Even when we’re in an argument I still feel good.  I know that the only reason we’re arguing is because you’re concerned or worried about me.  I just love knowing that you care that much.”

“Is that the central reason for you hanging around?  You like knowing that I care about you?”

“Marshall I hang around you for every possible reason.  I really don’t know what I’ve been doing with you.  I liked you and then I tried to push you away.  There were times when I was a total bitch to you and you certainly didn’t deserve it.  You’re way too good of a person.  I think you’re one of the greatest people I’ve ever known.  And I’ve known a lot of people.”

He leaned over and kissed my forehead.  “I think you’re one of my favorite people right now.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah.”  He looked around.  “You thirsty or somethin’?  I got Mountain Dew.”

I made a funny face.  “I don’t like Mountain Dew.”

“What kind of a monster are you?”  He pointed towards the door.  “Get out of my house.”

I giggled.  “You drink a lot of that stuff, don’t you?  I think you should cut down a little.”

“Why?”

“Drinking beverages like Mountain Dew excessively and over a long period of time results in a lower sperm count.”

“Where’d you hear that?”

“On the news a few years back.”

“Interesting.”

“Yep.  So, if you wanna keep a good amount of sperm you should consider drinking something else.  Do you like milk?”

“Shut-up, Jillian.”

I started laughing.  “Oh, I almost forgot to tell you…”

“Tell me what?”

“My parents are divorcing.”

“Really?  You don’t seem too hurt by it.”

“That’s because I’m not.  My parents never really got along anyways and I hate my dad.”

“So, the whole thing with him calling you a whore--that wasn’t the first time he said or did something like that to you?”

“No, it wasn’t.”

“You wanna tell me about it?”

“I’ll tell you anything you wanna know.”

Chapter 24

So, did I tell Marshall the things he wanted to know?  Sure, I did.  Believe it or not there wasn’t much that he wanted to know about.  I told him about my dad and the stuff Randy and me did when we were growing up.  Nothing too innate.

I looked at my watch.  “Shit!  I’d better get home before Randy slaps the taste out of my mouth.”

“Before Randy does what?”

“He won’t really slap me.  Well, not in the face…”

“What?!”

“I’m kidding, Marshall.  Calm down.”  I looked him in the eyes.  “Do you really think I would let him hit me?  Do you think I would let anybody hit me?”

“I know you wouldn’t let *anybody* hit you.  But Randy is obviously *somebody* to you…so, yeah…I kinda think you would.”

“What?!”

“I’m kidding, Jillian.  Calm down.”

“I don’t think that’s very funny.”

“What you said wasn’t funny to me, either.  So we’re even now.”

I rolled my eyes at him.  “You got a pen and paper?”

“Yeah.  Why?”

“Just give it to me.”

“I would, but you’re practically married.”

“Would you just get me the damn pen and paper?”  He went to go grab it and I muttered under my breath, “Jackass…”

“I heard that!”

He brought the pen and paper back and handed it to me.  “There ya go, beanpole.”

“Thanks, assclown.”  I started drawing on the paper.

“What are you doin’?”

“Drawing a map.”

“A map?  Why?  You sendin’ me on a treasure hunt?”

“No, cockbreath.  I--”

“Jillian, if you ever call me a cockbreath again, *I’ll* slap you right across the face.”

I laughed.  “Sorry.”

“You better be.”  He smiled.  “So, what’s the map for?”

“It’s for you to use.”

“What do I need to use it for?”

“To get to my house tomorrow.”

“What?”

“I’ve met all of your friends and I’ve even met your daughter.  The only person you’ve met is Randy.  So, I thought maybe you’d wanna meet the family.”

“Sounds good.”

“I would tell you to go ahead and bring the kids, but--”

“Kids?”

“Yeah, I know you’ve got Hailie and I heard that you were taking care of Kim’s niece, too.  What’s her name?  Alaina?  And I know about your brother, but he‘s not exactly a kid…”

“Where’d you hear about Alaina?”

“I have access to the Internet.”

“I hate the Internet.”

“Some of your biggest fans can be found on the Internet.”

“You mean all those asstards that download my music?”

“No, chumpstain.  Not them.  I’m talking about the ones who dedicate whole sites to you and do absolutely nothing but talk about how fantastic you are.”

“Oh.  Well, I guess you’re right.”

“You know I’m right.  So, anyways…I was gonna say that I would tell you to bring the kids, but I’ve only met Hailie once and I’ve never met Alaina or Nathan and I’m sure you don’t really want any of them around Randy.”

“Well, I--”

“How come I never catch your family, Marshall?  I’ve been over here a lot lately.”

“I think it’s an act of God.”

“An act of God?”

“Yeah, God is saving their souls by keeping them away from you.”

“That’s very funny.”  I handed him the map.  “I told you before that I’m not good with direction so if you end up in Texas tomorrow you can’t say that I didn’t warn you.”

“Fair enough.”

“Well, Mr. Mathers, I guess I’ll be leaving now.”  I kissed his cheek.  “See ya tomorrow around six o‘clock?”

“Is it alright if I get there a little early?”

“I don’t see why not.”

“Good.  So, I’ll see you at like 5:58.”

I rolled my eyes.  “You’re hilarious, Marshall.  You should do stand-up.”

“Really?”

“No.  I hate you and your sorry excuse for a sense of humor.”

He put his hand on my face.  “I love you, too.”

“Don’t get all mushy on me now, soldier.  I’ll see you tomorrow at 5:58 sharp.”

He saluted me.  “Yes, ma’am.”

He walked me out and I waved at him.  “Try to be on your best behavior tomorrow, okay?”

“You think I would misbehave at your house?  I’m starting to think that you don’t know me very well.”

“That’s because I don’t know you very well.”

And that’s an honest statement.  I really didn’t know him very well at that time.  Well, not as well as I could…

Anyways, I went home and the house was quiet.  Rick and Karen had gone out and my mother was in bed.  I really hated that she was like that.  I just left her alone, though.  I figured she would come around and eventually want to talk about it.

I plopped down on the couch, kicked my shoes off, and put my feet up on the coffee table.

After a few minutes I got up and went into the dining room.  Randy was sitting at the table and writing out the monthly bills.

“You look so cute when you write checks.”

“You wanna help out with some of this stuff?”

“I’d be delighted.”

He scooted his chair out and I sat on his lap.

“Jillian, our electric bill is sky high.  You’ve gotta stop leaving all the lights on.”

“I can’t help it if I’m afraid of the dark.”

“When are you gonna learn that with the lights out it’s *less* dangerous?”

“Whatever.  And you can’t put all the blame on me.  I’m not the one that leaves the television running all night.”

“I can’t help it if I can’t fall asleep without hearing Jay Leno’s voice.”

The sad thing is that he wasn’t joking…

“I’ve got something to tell you, Randall.”

“What?  That you’re also responsible for this huge Visa bill?”

“Well, that too.  But, I also invited Marshall over for dinner tomorrow.”

“Dinner?  Who’s cooking?”

“I was hoping that maybe your mom would.”

“That’s another thing, Jillian.  You gotta learn to cook.”

“I can cook!”

“Pouring a bowl of cereal is not cooking.”

“Hahaha….”

“So, Marshall’s coming over here, huh?  This should be interesting.”

“I can’t believe you’re not mad.”

“You expected me to be pissed?”

“Truthfully…yes.”

“Then why did you invite him?”

“I don’t know.  I guess I didn’t really think about it until afterwards.”

“What did those little commercials used to say, Jill?  Was it “Think Before You Act”?”

“Um…yeah.  But I think those commercials dealt with abstinence and not taking drugs.  Things like that.  They never mentioned possibly pissing your boyfriend off by inviting someone over for dinner.”

He rolled his eyes and started laughing.  Then, he tried his best to sound like a commercial voiceover.  “Just tell Randy you were too busy getting stoned to think about his feelings.  He’ll understand.”

“You’re not funny.”

“Then why are you smiling?”

“Because you’re stupid and stupidity puts a smile on my face.”

“So, what time is he coming?”

“5:58.”

“And you want me to be at home for this, right?”

“Duh.”

“Well, I thought maybe you wanted me out of here.”

“I hope you don‘t feel that way.”

“I’m just messing with you.”

“Good.  Look, I’m going upstairs.”  I got up.  “You wanna come?”

“You’re not going anywhere.  You’re gonna stay here and pay these bills.”

“Alright.  Fine.”  I sat back down on his lap.

“All of the really expensive ones are yours.  Jill, you gotta remember that the best things in life are always free.”

“Randy, please shut-up.”

After we were all finished with the bills Randy went to bed and I went into my mom’s room to talk to her.  I had to.

She was sitting in bed.  The television was off but the lights were on.

“Are you gonna be ok, Mom?”

The look on her face told me ‘no’.

“First my husband tells me that he doesn’t want to be with me anymore and then my daughter somehow manages to make me feel like I‘m not a good mother.  How could I ever be ok?”

“It was never my intention to make you feel like a bad mother.  I was only making a point.”

“And that point was?”

“That you always knew about Dad not really wanting me.  I admit there were times when he played the part.  He tried to look like the perfect father, but it was such a joke.  I can’t think of one single time where I was convinced that he really cared.”

“Well, maybe I was convinced.”

“Well, maybe you needed some sense slapped into you.”

“What’s gotten into you?”

“Nothing.  I’m just waking up.  I think it’s about time you did the same thing.”

“Look, Jill--”

I cut her off.  “Marshall is coming by tomorrow so try not to look so fucking depressed.”

I left the room before she could say anything else.

So, the next afternoon came and we were all just sitting around.  My mom was reading some book.  I think it was called “Divorce for Dummies”.  Rick and Karen were playing Grand Theft Auto: Vice City and Randy was showing me how to put the light switch in the ‘off’ position.  He can be such a smart ass…

After Randy got through explaining the lights he decided to announce that Marshall was coming over later on.

“Guess who’s coming to dinner?”

Rick looked up.  “Who?”

“Eminem.”

“The rapper?”

“No, Dad.  The candy.  I think the yellow one.”

Rick got up and smacked Randy upside his head.  “Don’t be a smart ass.”

I laughed.  “Yeah, Randy.  Don’t be a smart ass.”

“Dad, I’m 24-years-old.   I would really appreciate it if you stopped hitting me.”

“If you started acting like a 24-year-old then I wouldn’t hit you.”

I laughed again.  “Act your age, not your shoe size.”

“Are you saying that I act like a 13-year-old?”

My mom put her book down and smiled at Randy.  “You have big feet.”

He grinned.  “I know.”

I rolled my eyes at both of them.  “So, I take it that you’re in a better mood, Mom?”

“Well, Eminem is coming over.  Does he like older women?  Or does he still have a crush on you?”

The room got quiet and Rick and Karen looked confused.

“Eminem has a crush on you, Jillian?”  Karen asked.  “Since when?”

Randy provided the answer.  “Since her birthday.  The guy is in love with her.”

“He is not in love with me.”

Rick looked at Randy like he had lost his mind.  “Why do you seem nonchalant about someone being in love with your wife?”

“She’s not my wife.”

“But, she will be.” Karen added.

“I trust her.  Everything’s fine.”

Hmm…that was um…awkward…to say the least.  My mother almost made me hate her for a second.

Marshall arrived a little late.  Don’t say 5:58 and then show up at 5:59.  Tardiness is something that I simply cannot tolerate.

I opened the door and said.  “Welcome to Fight Club.  You’re late.”

“What’s for dinner, string bean?”  He asked as he walked in.

“Coney Island.”

“Coney Island?”

“No one felt like cooking so Rick went out and got the food.”

“Nice.”

“You don’t like Coney Island?”

“Well, I do, but I was expecting a home-cooked meal.”

“Maybe next time, babyface.”

“There’s gonna be a next time?”

“Sure.  As long as you don’t incite a riot.”

“I think I can manage not to.”

“There’s just something about you that makes people wanna beat the crap out of police officers and loot buildings.”

“I always thought it was one of my best qualities but since you don’t really like it…”

I smiled at him.  “Come on.  It’s time to meet the family.”

I pulled him into the dining room and everyone was sitting at the table waiting.

“Um, I think you’ve met Randy.  Right?”

“Once or twice.”

I pointed to my mother.  “That’s Olivia.  She’s my mommy.”

He waved at her.  “Nice to meet you.”

It’s funny; I think she was actually blushing.

“And that’s Rick and Karen.  They had the privilege of bringing Randy into this world.”

He laughed.  “How you guys doin’?”

They both smiled.  “We’re fine.” said Rick.  “How ’bout yourself?”

“Not too bad.”

I sat down next to Randy and Marshall sat down next to me.

Karen decided to speak.  “Marshall.  I can call you Marshall, right?”

He nodded.  “Yeah.”

“I just have to say that you’re quite handsome.  TV and magazines don’t do you justice.”

“Thank you.”

I lowered my head and tried my best not to laugh.

My mother noticed my amusement.  “Jillian, don’t laugh.  Karen’s right.”  She looked at Marshall.  “You’re very cute.”

He thanked them again and I burst out laughing.  Marshall looked at me.  “What’s so funny?”

“I just didn’t realize that you were such a ladies man.  I’m impressed.”

He shrugged his shoulders.  “When you’re cute…you’re cute.”

I giggled.  “When you’re arrogant…you’re arrogant.”

So, dinner went rather smoothly.  Everyone got along great.  I was sort of shocked.  I didn’t expect things to go that good.  But, they were practically perfect.  Randy was nice to Marshall and that’s really what I wanted.  Rick made conversation and talked about what Randy was like when he was growing up.  Marshall really got a kick out of that.  And, of course Karen and my mother couldn’t stop gushing over Marshall’s “handsome face” and “incredible features”.

When we were finished eating I offered to show Marshall around the house while the others cleaned up.  Not really because I was interested in giving him a tour but because I was gonna get stuck washing dishes and I really didn’t want to.

Marshall and I were walking up the stairs and he said.  “I really like Randy’s parents.  Are you sure that he’s not adopted?”

I laughed.  “Is Randy really that bad?”

“Well, I guess he’s kinda been alright as of late.  I haven’t wanted to kill him in a while.”

“That’s nice to hear.”

“I like your mom, too.  You look just like her.”

“Everybody says that.”

I opened the door to my bedroom and walked in.  “This is where Randy and I sleep.  As you can see, the bed isn’t made because Randy never does what I ask him to do.”

He laughed.  “You sure you guys aren’t married yet?”

“I’m quite sure.”  I looked around the room.  “You’ll also notice that the TV is on.  The TV is on because Randy can’t seem to turn it off but blames me for the high electric bill.”

“I always turn my TV off.”

“And that’s why I like being around you.  I love people that remember to turn their TV’s off.”

I walked over and opened a door in our room.  “This is the one bathroom that Randy and I have never had sex in.”

“Well, this’ll be the only bathroom I use when I come over here.”

“Good idea.”  I shut the door.  “’Cause sometimes we forget to clean up.”

“So, you guys are on pretty solid ground right now?”

“I suppose so.”

“He’s worried, though.  Right?”

“Worried?  About me?”

“Yeah.”

“I don’t know anymore.”

“What do you mean?”

“He was pissed off about whatever you and I have but now he’s just--I don’t know.”

“What do we have?”

“I don’t know.”

“Are we friends?”

“Do you think we’re friends?”

“We’re definitely something.”

“Should we just label ourselves as friends?  Would that be easier?”

“It would be easier, but--”

“You don’t like to take the easy way out.”

“Exactly.”

“So, what now?”

“No labels.  We’re something.  We just gotta figure out what it is.”

“And how do we do that?”

“I guess we have to figure that out, too.”

“You’re a lot of work, Marshall.  I don’t know if I can handle you.”

“I bet I can handle you.”

I laughed.  “It’s only funny because I believe you.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah.”

“If you ever need me for anything all you have to do is ask.”

I nodded.  “I’ll remember that.”

“So, if you and Randy ever break-up…”

I was laughing again.  “I’ve never told anyone this, but Randy and I have broken up before…”

Chapter 25

That’s right, kids.  The Bauer-Helmsley Empire has crumbled before. 

I’ll spare you the minor details and tell you the exact same thing that I told Marshall…

You may find this hard to believe (or maybe not) but Randy and I split up about a month before I met Marshall.

I don’t really know how to explain, but I guess I can start off by saying that Hollywood can be a rather rough place when it comes to relationships.

It’s kinda funny.  I always found it frivolous when couples in the public eye would break-up because of “media scrutiny”.  I always thought that if you loved someone enough you would put up with anything and everything.  Which is really what I always did with Randy.  You know that I put up with a ton of shit.

Anyway…

It’s one thing to stop and take pictures on the red carpet, but when you’re walking down the street and people with cameras are popping out of the bushes it gets to be a little weird.

And do you know what really got on my nerves at that time?  When Randy and me would be posing for pictures and the idiot paparazzi are yelling out, “Kiss!  Kiss!”  I always thought, “I don’t kiss Randy at home so why in the fuck would I kiss him out in public?  Just to please you assholes?!  I don’t fucking think so!”

Ok, so…back to what’s important…

Randy was filming a movie and we were stuck living in a hotel.  It was crazy.  The media was all over us.  I think we switched hotels about four different times.  I don’t even know what really happened.  I think I suggested a small break from one another and he just lost it…

Before I knew it we were broken up and I was still sorta left wondering why.  In my head, all of the blame was on the press and I think I still blame it on them.

Don’t get me wrong, because I don’t hate the media.  It’s just that they can be a little unrelenting at times.  There are days when I would like to be left alone.  Usually I’m pretty good with handling large amounts of attention but sometimes I just have to get away from it.  That’s why I took a break so early in my career.  I have this fear of being overexposed. 

The details of my break-up with Randy are still a little sketchy.  We were broken up for about three weeks and I know that three weeks isn’t really a long time but it was absolutely miserable.  I think the fact that we were still staying in the same room together and sleeping in the same bed made it unbearable.  Well, at least it was unbearable for me.  Randy seemed to be handling it pretty well.  Well enough to manage to look happy…


I was a complete wreck throughout the whole thing.  I looked and felt sick the whole entire time.  I’m a pretty good eater and it was scary knowing that I was too sad to eat properly.  I picked at things here and there but I never indulged.  Not once.

The night before we got back together I literally thought that I was dying.  I’m still not sure of what it actually was.  I went into the bathroom, kneeled down in front of the toilet and prayed.  Yeah, I prayed in front of a fucking toilet.  I don’t even know what I was praying for.  Maybe strength?  Appetite?  A good fuck from Randy?  I think it was the last one. 

I look back and that’s what I really wanted.  I wanted him to fuck me.  I mean, there we were sleeping in the same bed and he wouldn’t even touch me.  That’s something that I never could’ve gotten used to.

After about a half hour of incoherent prayers and sobs I somehow managed to puke.  I hate vomiting, but I’ll be damned if that shit didn’t feel good. 

Finally, I think Randy must’ve heard me because he came in the bathroom and pretty much gave me what I wanted.

I told him that I puked but instead of letting me brush my teeth he just chose not to kiss me.  That was um…different…to say the least.  So, we were back together the next day and I did my best to not look back on the experience.

I met Marshall about five days after that.

So, now it’s back up to speed….

Marshall was left looking confused, ‘cause let’s face it, he’s just a puzzled little person…

“Jillian, I don’t understand.  Were you upset because you guys were broken up?  Or were you upset because he wouldn’t fuck you?”

“Both.”

“It can’t be both.  It’s gotta be one or the other.”

“Don’t do that.”

“Don’t do what?”

“Don’t separate love and lust.”

“Why not?  They’re two different things.”

“They go hand-in-hand.”  I tucked my hair behind my ears.  “Think about it, Marshall.  Would you marry somebody that couldn’t do it for you in the sack?”

“Umm…”

“And I know you wouldn’t marry someone that wasn’t good to your daughter.  So, you‘re definitely gonna want someone that loves you and your family and your friends.  But, you‘re also gonna want someone to fuck the hell out of on a daily basis.”

“Uh-huh.”

“So, you’re gonna look for both.  Right?”

“Yeah.  I guess so.”

“So, you can’t separate the two.  It is possible to have both.”

“I think I could have both with you.”

I laughed.  “No, you couldn’t.  You couldn’t have the lust part with me.  I’m not all that great, Marshall.  Just ask Randy.  I don’t move.  I don’t talk.  I don’t make any noise.  I guess it’s pretty similar to fucking a dead person.”

He frowned at me.  “Hmm…”

“What?”

“Nothin’.  Just thinkin’.”

“About what?”

He shook his head.

“Oh, come on, Marshall!  Tell me!  Please?”

“You’re begging me.  I like that.”

I punched him in the shoulder.  “Shut the fuck up.”

“Damn!”  He put his hand over it.  “That hurt!”

“Awww…I’m sorry.”

He laughed.  “It’s ok.”  He paused.  “So…um…when are you leaving?”

“Leaving?  To go where?”

“California.  You are still moving?  Right?”

“Oh…God…ya know sometimes that completely slips my mind.”

“I don’t see how it could.  You’re moving to the other side of the country.”

“Well, I’ve got a lot of other things on my mind, too.”

“Like what?  I figured that would be the main thing.  It’s gonna change the course of your life.”

“Yeah, it’ll change the course, but I don’t think it’ll change the direction.”

“What the fuck are you talkin’ about?”

I shrugged.  “I don’t know.  But you can’t say that it didn’t sound really smart.”

“So what direction is your life going in, Jillian?  Now that I won’t be apart of it…”

“Don’t say that.”

“Don’t say what?”

“That you won’t be apart of my life.  That’s not fair.”

“How’s it not fair?”

“It makes me feel bad.  I don’t want you to feel like you won’t be apart of my life.  You’re probably one of the biggest parts of my life.”

“Then why are you leaving me?”

“Leaving you?”

“Yeah…leaving me…You’re leaving me behind.”

“I’ll still talk to you.”  I tried to reassure the both of us.  “We’ll still talk.”

“That’s not good enough.”

“Uh…ok…so…um…tell me what’s good enough.”

“Don’t leave.”

“Marshall, I can’t--”

“Just tell Randy you don’t wanna go.  It’s obvious that you don’t anyways.  You might as well be honest.”

I didn’t even think.  I just blurted out, “Ok.”

“Ok?”

I nodded.  “I’ll tell him that I don’t want to.  He’ll understand.”

“You’d really stay just because I asked you to?  Because I want you to?”

“Yes.”  God, I wasn’t even hesitating.

“Thank you, Jillian.”

“You’re welcome.”  I took a deep breath.  “So…now what?”

“I…shit…”

“Do you feel overwhelmed?”

“A little.  You?”

“A lot.”  I rubbed my forehead.  “I don’t really know why, though.”

“I don’t know anything anymore.”

“What?”

“Nothing.”

I burst out laughing.  “You’re losing it, Mathers.  Get yourself together.”

He smiled.  “I’m trying.”

I looked around the room.  “I’m hungry.  Are you hungry?”

“We just ate, Jillian.”

“So?”

“So, how could you be hungry?”

“I want cake.”

“Huh?”

“Cake.  Chocolate cake.  Do you like chocolate cake?”

“Um…I…”

I grabbed his wrist.  “Great!  Let’s go make one!”

“Jill, I’m not really in the mood for cake.”

“How could you not be in the mood for cake?”  I let go of his wrist.  “What are you in the mood for?”

“Something that I’ll probably never get from you.”

“What?  Brownies?  ‘Cause I think we got--”

“You doin’ anything later?”

“Not necessarily.”

“What does that mean?”

“I mean I don’t have any set plans, so…”

“So, you’re not doin’ anything?”

“I guess not.”

“You wanna go somewhere?  Just uh…just me and you?”

“Just me and you?  I don’t think Randy would go for that.”

“Why not?  He lets you hang around my house and everything else.  Why wouldn’t he let you go out with me?”

“Because going out with you sounds like *going out* with you.”

“What?”

“It sounds like we’re going on a date.”

“So, are you telling me that you’re not gonna go out with me?”

“I’ll go out with you…if Randy comes, too.”

“WHY!?”

“Do you really have to yell at me, Marshall?”

“YES!”

I laughed.  “Look, you know Randy.  He’ll just ditch me anyways.”

He nodded.  “True…”

“So, it’ll be like he’s not even there.  Depending on where we’re going…”

“I don’t know where we’re goin’.  But, it’s gotta be a place where Randy can wander off and leave you with me for a good amount of time.”

“Why do I feel like we’re making a recipe for disaster?”

“Because everything you do is a disaster.”

“Oh.”

“So, let’s go tell Randy that we’re all gonna hang out and be friends tonight.”

“Can we bake the cake first?”

“No.”

“Damn you, Marshall.  Damn you straight to hell.”

Before I knew it we were at some wild, noisy club but it didn’t really bother me.  Randy was off doing something (as predicted) and Marshall and me were having our usual conversation.  Whatever that is…

Then, of course, Randy came to get me.

“Jillian…” he grabbed my arm and pulled me out of my chair.  “Come on.”

So, you can guess where we were headed.  The bathroom.  But, my life isn’t as predictable as you might think.

I was back at the table with Marshall in less than five minutes.

He looked down at my hand.  “Where’s your ring?”

“Randy took it.”

“Why would he take your--”

I looked over and saw Randy walking towards the table.  He had a glass of beer in his hand.

I wasn’t surprised when he tipped the glass and poured it in my hair…

Marshall went to get up, but I put my hands out in front of him and he sat back down.

Randy was clearly furious about something.  About what?  The answer’s just around the corner…

“I’m going home, Jillian.  And don’t even think that you’re coming with me.”

He poured the remainder of the beer on me and walked out of the club.

Marshall looked stunned.  “Jillian, what the fuck just happened?”

“He’s mad.”

“About what?”

“I wouldn’t fuck him.”

“What?  Why not?”

“I didn’t want to.”  I shifted around in my chair.  “You’re here.”

“You didn’t do it because I’m here?  That never stopped you before.”

“I don’t wanna hurt you.  Ever.”

“We should probably leave.”

“Why?”

“You smell like beer.”

“So does everyone else in this place.”

“He took your ring from you…Are you guys through?”

“I don’t know.  It happened so fast.”

“So, he’s just mad because you wouldn’t fuck him?”

“I think it’s more because of the reason why I wouldn’t fuck him.  I told him that I wasn’t gonna do it with you here.”  I stopped for a second.  “And I told him about moving.  He’s pissed at me.”

“Wow…you really laid it on him.”

“He hates me.”

“I love you.”

“I love you more.”

He smiled and got up.  “Come here.”  He grabbed my hand.

“Where are we going?”

“Bathroom.”

I got nervous.  “Why?”

“To try and get some of that beer off you.”

“Oh…ok…”

There were actually a few people in the bathroom but they left when Marshall and I walked in.  I’m not really sure why, though.  Maybe because it was a men’s room?  Yeah, that was most likely it….

I dried off the sink with paper towel and sat down on it. 

“Ya know, Marshall, I--”

“Holy shit, Jillian!”

“What?”

“Cross your legs, baby.  Or at least close ‘em.”

“Huh?”

Shit, I had forgotten…and I’m not exactly lady-like.  Sometimes I do sit with my legs open.  Don’t ask me why.

“What happened to your…to your…uh…um…you know what I’m trying to say, Jill.  Help me out here.”

“Underwear?”  I crossed my legs.

“Yeah, where are they?  I know you had some on earlier.”

“How?”

“I saw ‘em.”

“Oh…um…a few minutes ago…Randy put them in the toilet.”

“He did?”

I nodded.  “Yeah.”

“Are you cold?  You sure you don’t wanna go home?”

“I’m ok.  I just gotta try and be a lady tonight.”

He wiped his forehead.

“You alright, Marshall?”

He just nodded.

“Positive?”

“Yeah, honey.  I’m positive.”

I smiled at him.  “You sure you don’t wanna go home?”

“I’ll go home if you come home with me.”

I just laughed at him.

“Jillian?”

“What?”

“Would I be out of line if I told you to leave Randy?”

“Yeah, but you’re always out of line, Marshall.”

He walked up to me and rested his head on my shoulder.  “Will you leave him, baby?  For me?”

I said, “Yes” before I could even get a single thought formed…

Chapter 26

I don’t know what happened.  Do you?  I bet you didn’t see that coming, huh?  It’s okay, though.  I didn’t see it, either.

I was always headstrong but something about Marshall makes me submissive.

I think you just witnessed a lion becoming a mouse.  A headstrong lion was turned into a submissive little mouse.

I caved in…completely…

We were still sitting in the bathroom.  Why?  I haven’t a clue.

I looked at Marshall and smiled.  “Wanna see something?”

“What more could you possibly show me?”  I think he was making reference to my lack of underwear.

I shoved him lightly, hopped off of the sink, and went over to one of the stalls and opened the door.  “Have a look.”

He walked over and saw my underwear sitting in the toilet.  “They looked better on you.”  He grinned.

“Thanks.”

“Don’t thank me yet.”

“Why not?”

He leaned forward to take a closer look at the toilet.

“Are you gonna stick your head in there, Marshall?”

He looked back at me and laughed.

“Why are you laughing?”

“Don’t get mad at me, but--”

“But what?”

“If I were Randy I woulda did the same thing.”

“Why?”

“Those things belong in the toilet.”

“No they don’t.”

“Yes they do, Jill.”  He laughed again.  “They’re fuckin’ granny-panties!”

“No they’re not!”

“They’re not?  Well, what do you call ‘em?”

“I call them comfortable.”

“Underwear made for old people are supposed to be comfortable.”

“A wedgie is the most uncomfortable thing in the world.”

“And?”

“And wearing a thong is like walking around with a permanent wedgie.  I don’t want a piece of string stuck up my ass all day long.”

“Alright.  Fine.”

“If you don’t like my underwear then don’t fucking look at ’em!”

“Calm down.  I was just kiddin’ anyways.  They’re not *that* bad.”  He patted my shoulder.  “Don’t be so damn sensitive.”

I frowned at him.  “We’re never gonna work if you keep making fun of me.”

“Thanks for the warning.”

“You’re welcome.”

“You’re so polite.“  He grabbed my hand.  “Let’s get outta this bathroom.”

We went back and sat at our table.

I looked him over and started to giggle.

“Does my appearance amuse you, Jillian?”

I nodded.  “You’re gonna take some getting used to.”

“Why is that?”

“You’re short.”

“I’m not short.”

“You’re only like an inch taller than me.”

“Two inches.”  He corrected me.  “Three at the most.”

“Yeah.  Right.  Ok.”

He frowned at me.  “We’re never gonna work if you keep makin’ fun of me.”

“Thanks for the warning.”

“You’re welcome.”

There was silence for a few moments.  Luckily, it wasn’t an awkward silence.

Of course I felt awkward when he asked this question:

“Are we official now?”

“Official?  You mean like officially dating?”

“Yeah.” 

“I don’t know.  Are we?”

“I’m not gonna look like an ass and say that we are when you don’t even know.”

“This is happening really fast, Marshall.  Way too fast.”

“Too fast?  Look how long it took just to get to this point.”

“You gotta understand--”

He looked a little angry.  “Understand what?”

I put my hand on his knee.  “Don’t get pissed.”

“I’m not.  I won’t”

I pulled my hand back.  “Let me try to clear things up a bit.”

“Ok.  Go ahead.”

“A lot of things have to change before I can just start calling myself your girlfriend.”

“Like what?”

“Well, let’s start with the fact that, technically, I’m still with Randy.  If I say right now that you and me are official then that would mean that I’m dating two people at the same time.  I would feel like a total pimp.  I don’t wanna feel like a pimp, Marshall.”

“You tryin’ to be funny?”

I shook my head.  “No.”

“What else you got to say?  Was that it?”

“I won’t go back on my word but it’s gonna be a little hard to give Randy up.”

He gave me this look that sort of scared me.

“Marshall?  You ok?”

“Just finish with what you were sayin’.”

“It’s not like Randall and I had a casual thing.  Just a little while ago I had an engagement ring on my finger.  This isn’t gonna be a walk in the park, Marshall.  There’s a lot of baggage.”  Reality was starting to hit me.  “I live with him.  What are we gonna do about that?”

“Tell him to leave.”

I rolled my eyes.  “It’s not that simple.”

“Yeah it is.  He can stay with his parents for a while.”

“And you really think that Randy would just accept that?”

“I don’t know, Jillian.”  He shrugged his shoulders.  “You could stay with me until you got a new place.”

“I don’t think that’s a very good idea, Marshall.”

“Why not?”

“Because you recognize how different people are when you start living with them.  I can guarantee that you would hate me if you lived with me for more than a week.  Plus there’s my mother.  I have to worry about her, too.”

“I wouldn‘t mind having your mother around…”

I tried to lighten the mood.  “Well if me and you don’t work you can always date her.”

“She really likes me, huh?”

“Yeah, but that’s not saying much.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“My mother has horrible taste in men.”

“What makes you say that?”

“She married my father.”

“Oh.”

“And she used to have a crush on Fabio.”

“The model guy?”

“Yeah and I could never understand how women could be attracted to that guy.  I remember her looking at a magazine spread with him in it and I walked up to her and said, ‘I can’t believe you wanna fuck this guy.‘”

“You said that to your mother?”

“Yep.  Then it turns out my father was in the other room and he heard what I said.  So, he came in the living room and popped me right in the mouth for dropping the F-Bomb.”

“He hit you in the mouth?  How old were you?”

“Twelve.”

“Twelve?!”

“Uh-huh.”

“Jillian, that’s crazy.  How come you never told me that your dad hit you before?”

“I don’t know.  I guess I never really thought it was that big of a deal.  Like, I don’t agree with hitting kids.  Especially not in the face.  But, shit…I look back and I was a fucking monster.  I think the problem was that my mom let me get away with murder but my dad would freak out if I tied my shoes the wrong way.  There was never a healthy balance.”

“I’m sorry.”

“About what?  I wasn’t abused or anything.”

“You sure?”

“Yeah.  It’s not like he beat the crap outta me.  I’d take a hit every now and then.  It’s no biggie.”  I made light of it.  “And it never actually hurt.  My dad hits like a girl.”

He ignored the little joke I made.  “So is that why you like rough sex?”

It was a rather good question.  A good question that caught me by surprise.  “Huh?”

“Usually childhood experiences affect the way you interact with people.  It affects your social skills, your sex life…”

“Why do I feel like I’m talking to Dr. Phil?”

“I’m serious, Jill.”

“I know you are.  I’m sorry.  Uh…I don’t know, Marshall.  I never really thought about it that way.”

“No?”

“Nope.”

“Maybe you should.”

“Ok, but I always thought I liked rough sex because I’m a super freak.”

He laughed.  “That could be it.”

I completely changed the subject.  “So, did you know that I made Maxim Magazine’s Hot 100 List?”

“What number were you?”

“Four.”

“That’s not bad.”

“I don’t know how in the hell I got on that list.”

“You don’t?”

“No way!”  I looked down at myself and then back up at Marshall.  “I’m skinny and gawky.”  I pulled my hair back as if I were going to put it in a ponytail.  “And look at these ears!  They‘re fucking huge!  Look at how far they stick out.”

He burst out laughing.

“Does my appearance amuse you, Marshall?”

“You’re so cute.”

“I get that a lot.  I’ve always been cute.  So I don’t know why I was placed on a ‘hot’ list.  I’m so not hot.”

“Sometimes I get the urge to check your ID.  You look like jailbait.”

“Maybe that’s the appeal.  Guys like me because I look underage.”  I started to feel a little disgusted.  “Men are such pervs…going after little girls…”

“I bet Randy was proud of you for making that list, huh?”

“Yeah, he told everyone.  He called his mom and said, ‘Guess who’s got a hot girlfriend?’”

“He seems kinda--”

“Shallow?”

“That’s the word.”

“Randy is shallow but I’m shallow, too.  Everybody’s shallow.  We’re all obsessed with looks and materialism.”

“I’m not.”

“Is that why you live in a five million dollar house with six bedrooms, eight bathrooms, an electronic lighting system, a spa, a swimming pool, a waterfall, a boating lake, a tennis court, an entertainment cabana, a guest house, and a manned security gate?”

“It is a little extravagant, but--”

“But you can afford it and you wanna give your daughter everything that you didn’t have when you were growing up.  Right?”

“Right.”

“I understand.”

“You and Randy could easily afford that type of place.”

“I know.  He coughed up seven million for the house in California.”

“What’s he gonna do about that?”

“I’ll have to talk to him about it.”

The more we talked about Randy the more guilt-ridden I felt.

“What’s the matter, Jillian?”

“I don’t feel too good.”

He reached over, grabbed me, and pulled me onto his lap.

“Marshall, what are you doing?”

“You gotta help me.”

“How am I supposed to help you?”

“Tell me why you don’t feel good.”

I lied.  “I don’t know why.”

“You’re lying.”

Damn.  He knows me too well.

“It’s a combination of things.”

“Tell me what they are.”

“Everything you can think of.”  I buried my face in his chest.  “I’m absolutely terrified right now.  You’re probably the closest thing to perfect I’ve ever known.  Randy isn’t anywhere near perfect--when it comes to personality, but--”

“But what?”

“He really sucks as a human being sometimes but he’s been saving my life for the past fourteen years.”  I managed to hold back my tears.  “And now here you are and you’re taking that away and there’s absolutely nothing I can do about it.  You’re changing my life and I’m not sure if I want that.”

“Then why are you agreeing to go along with everything that I’ve asked you to do today?”

“I wanna give you a try.”

“Give me a try?”

I think that statement kinda/sorta pissed him off in a small way.  It’s like I made him seem like one of those free samples you get in the mail or something.

I got off of his lap and sat back in my chair.  “Life is all about experience.  Ya know what I mean?”

He just nodded his head.

“Life is all about experience and I’d really hate to look back later on and wonder why I never tried something new.”

“Something new?”

“Someone new.”  I corrected myself.  “I’d hate to look back later on and wonder why I never tried someone new.”

He gave me this look.  A look that wasn’t good.  “You’re full of shit.”

“What?”

“Did all of this just pop into your head, Jillian?  The little girl who was so afraid of change is suddenly worried about regrettin’ not takin’ chances.  Forgive me if I’m wrong, but I’m havin’ quite a bit of trouble believin’ you right now.”

I sneered at him.  “I’m finally willing to be with you and now you don’t wanna believe that it’s actually happening.  Are you stupid?”

“Do I look stupid to you?”

“You don’t want me to answer that.”

“That shit’s real funny, Jillian.”

“I wasn’t trying to be funny.”

“Just shut-up and listen to me for a minute.”

“Fine.  Say your peace.”

“You had me goin’ for a second.  You really did.  But, be honest.  You and Randy were fine up until we got here--”

“You really are stupid.”

“Stop callin’ me stupid.”

“Randy and I were fine up until we got here because I hadn’t told him about not moving away with him.  Once I told him that he lost it.  Not to mention the fact that I refused to have sex with him…”

“If you refused then how did your panties come off?”

“What?”

“Why the fuck were your underwear off if you refused to screw him, Jillian?”  Did you wait until he took them off to say that you didn’t want to?”

“I--”

“You were ready to fuck him.  Shit, you probably wanted it more than he did.  I know what happened, Jill.  You were both ready to go and then you dropped the news about California and pissed him off.  Didn’t you?”

“Marshall--”

“And then you walked back out here and told me that bullshit story.  You tried to look innocent.  You fed me a bunch of shit about not wanting to hurt me.  You’re a fuckin’ liar.”

“Look, I--”

“And now you’re talkin’ about how you’re finally willing to be with me, but at the same time you’re telling me that Randy’s been saving your life for the past fourteen years.  You’re putting him up on a pedestal and telling me that you wanna give me a try.”

“You’re not understanding--”

“He took that ring off your finger.  That’s why you’re doin’ this.  He took that ring off your finger and you’re terrified of bein’ alone.  That’s what’s up.  You probably figured, “Hey, it’s a good time to get comfortable with Marshall since Randy just dumped my ass.”  Right, Jillian?  Is that what you thought?”

I was just staring at him.

“What’s the matter?  You don’t wanna talk now?”

“Every time I try to talk you cut me off.  You won’t let me get more than three words out.”

“You can go ahead now.  I wanna hear your explanation.”

“I don’t have an explanation.”  I got up.  “I’m going home.”

“How ya gonna get there?”

“I’ll call a cab.”

He got up.  “I’ll take you.”

“Why?”

“It‘s the right thing.”

“Whatever.”

The ride sucked.  We didn’t talk.  We didn’t look at each other.  We didn’t even listen to the radio.  Just dead silence.  All the way home.  Dead silence.

It felt like it took us years to get there so I was praising God when he parked in front of the house.

I looked in the driveway and saw that there was a car missing.

I turned toward Marshall.  “I guess Rick and Karen went home.”

He didn’t say anything.

“I hope my key is still in the mailbox.”

“What for?”

“I can’t picture Randy letting me in the house.”

Marshall opened up his door.  “I’ll walk you to the door and make sure you get in.”  He said before getting out of the car and walking around to open my door for me.

We walked up to the doorstep and I checked the mailbox for my key.  It was there.

“Thank God.”  I smiled to myself.

“Well, you’re ok so I guess that I’ll go.”

“You don’t wanna come in?”

“Why would I wanna come in?”

I shrugged my shoulders.  “I don’t know. I guess I want you to.”

“Fine.  I’ll do it.  But if Randy starts some shit wit me I’m fuckin’ him up.”

“So violent…”  I unlocked the door and walked in with Marshall right behind me.  The house appeared to be empty.

“Where is everybody?”

We walked into the kitchen and there was a note on the refrigerator. 

The note read:



“Jillian-

No need to worry.  We’re all at my parents’ house.  I told everyone about our fight and they thought it was best to give you a little bit of space.  Go on and clear your head.  I’ll be back in the afternoon.  Your ring is on the counter and I hope to see it back on your finger when I get home.  Sleep good tonight.  I love you.

-Randy”



I hadn’t even noticed that Marshall was reading over my shoulder.

“You’re so lucky to have him, Jillian.”  He was turning on the sarcasm.

I turned around and rolled my eyes at him.  “What difference does it make to you?”

“This has been a rough day.”

“What does that have to do with anything?”

“Was I right or wrong?”

“About what?”

“About the stuff I said before we left the club.”

“I don’t know.  What do you think?”

“I don’t know what I think.”

I rolled my eyes again.  “How could you not know?”

“Everything you said contradicted every other thing that you said.  You lost me.”

“You lost me, too.”

He walked over to the counter and picked my ring up.  “You puttin’ this thing back on?”

“Do you want me to put it back on?”

“I--”

“Because that’s what it seems like.”

“It does?”

I nodded.  “Marshall, you need to make up your mind.”

“I’m thinking that’s what you need to do.”

“My mind is made up.”

“No it’s not.”

“How could you say that?  You asked me to leave Randy and I told you that I would.”

“The more we talked the more I didn’t believe it.  You’re not sure.  You got caught up in the moment and just went along with it.  You’re skeptical, Jillian.  That’s why you said you didn’t feel good.  You can’t feel good if you’re not sure about something that you agreed to.  It was starting to eat you up.  Just admit it.”

“Ok.  Fine.  You’re right about that.”

“I knew it.”

I smiled at him.  “You know everything, Marshall.”

“Yeah.  I guess I do.”

“So, what do you wanna do?”

“Uh--”

“That’s if you’re gonna stay here for a while.  Are you staying for a while?  Or are you going straight home?”

“Do you want me stay for a little while?”

“If you can go without arguing with me, then yeah.”

“I can go without arguing with you.”

“Cool.” I realized that he was still holding my ring.  “Are you gonna hold onto that thing all night?”

He handed it to me and I slipped it onto my right hand.  He seemed a little bothered by the fact that I was wearing the ring but he didn’t say anything about it.

“How do you think it’ll go when he comes home tomorrow, Jill?”

“We’ll argue for a long time then we’ll start fighting and I’ll have to use some of my wrestling moves on him.”

He laughed.  “Wrestling moves?”

“Yeah, I know how to wrestle.  Would you like a demonstration?”

“No, thanks.”

“You scared?”

“Of your skinny ass?  I don’t think so.”

“Then let me show you.  It’ll be fun.”

“Alright.”

“Ok, so…uh…get down on your hands and knees.”

“Get down on my what?!”

“Never mind.  Forget that.  We’ll try something else.”

I got down on my knees and Marshall said, “That’s more like it.”

I rolled my eyes, grabbed him by his ankles, pulled as hard as I could and he fell flat on his back.  “Ow!  Fuck!  That hurt!”

I jumped on top of him, pinned him down by his shoulders and said, “Now try to get up.”

He lifted his head up a little and then let it fall back to the floor again.  “Why are you so strong?”

“It’s not about physical strength.  You just have to know what you’re doing.  Try to focus, Marshall.”

“I am tryin’.”

“Well try harder.”

He tried to lift his head up again and I started laughing at him.  “Come on, Marshall.  Harder.”

“Damn.  This is kinda hot.”

I rolled my eyes for what felt like the millionth time, let go of his shoulders and sat back a little so that he could sit up all the way.

“Told you I could wrestle.”

“Where’d you learn that?”

“Randy taught me.”  I paused.  “Well, he didn’t really teach me.  I kinda picked up on it.”

“Picked up on it?”

“Yeah.  He used to do that to me when I was getting on his nerves or something.  He would hold me down until I shut-up.  After a while I figured out how to do it properly.”

“Can you hold him down like that?”

“Not for too long.  He knows how to flip me over.  Instead of trying to sit up all you really had to do was grab me by the waist and turn over really fast.  You weren’t thinking.  That’s why I told you to focus.”

He laid back down.  “Let’s try it again.”

Once again I was pinning his shoulders to the floor. 

“You’re startin’ to piss me off, Jillian.”

“Why?  What am I doing?”

“You’re too damn little to be this fuckin’ strong!”

“You give up?”

“Yeah.”

I sat back again and laughed at him.  “You’ll figure it out one of these days.  It takes some time.”

“How much time?”

“If I do this to you everyday for the next year you’ll probably start to pick up on it.”

He sat up and I frowned at him.  “You don’t wanna do it again, do you?  ‘Cause I’m getting kinda tired…”

“You got an extra toothbrush?”

“An extra toothbrush?”

“Yeah.  I’ll stay the night if ya got an extra toothbrush.  Ya got one?”

“Well, yeah but don’t you *have* to go home?”

“What for?  Nobody’s there.”

“Oh…well…ok then.  It’s me and you tonight.”

“You cool with that?”

“It seems a little surreal, but it’s fine.  I guess it’s something I’m gonna have to get used to, so…”

“We should get off of this floor.”

“You cold?”

“No.  Uncomfortable.”

“I’m not.”

“You’re not on the floor.  You’re on me.”

I smiled at him.  “You’re comfortable.”

“That’s what all the girls say.”

“When was the last time you had a girlfriend?”

He gave me a funny look.

“You don’t wanna tell me?”

“No.”

“Alright.  That’s cool.”

“You’re not very demanding, Jillian.”

“I don’t have a reason to be.”

“So when was the last time you fucked Randy?”

I gave him the same look he gave me.

“You don’t wanna tell me?”

I shook my head.  “Hell no!”

“Well, I’m the demanding type.  You got not choice but to tell me.”

I looked around the room and then back at Marshall.  “This morning.”

“How many times?”

“What makes you think I did it more than once?”

He raised his eyebrow at me as if he were suggesting something.  I poked my lips out and told him, “Two times.  We did it twice.”

“You ever use any protection with him?”

“Condoms?”

He nodded.

“No, sir.”

“Not even your first time?”

I shook my head.

“How many other women has he been with?”

I shrugged my shoulders.  “I don’t know.”

“Why don’t you know?”

“We never talked about it.”

“Why not?”

I got frustrated.  “Why are you asking me so many questions?”

He ignored my question and decided to ask a few more of his own.  “Has he ever been tested for any diseases?  Have you?”

“Are you kidding me?”

“No.”

“Look, if you think that my vagina is crawling with STDs then your penis doesn’t have to go anywhere near it!”

“So now you’re mad at me for worrying about my safety?”

“I’m mad at you for implying that Randy and I don’t worry about our safety!”

“Could you just answer my question?”

“No.”  I got up and left him sitting on the floor.  “No, I can’t.”

He quickly got up.  “I’m sorry.”  He blurted out.  “Don’t be mad.”

“One minute I’m a liar.  The next minute I’m a whore with a filthy vagina.  What other insults are you gonna blast me with tonight, Marshall?”

“Cut it out, Jillian.  I don’t think that you have a filthy vagina.”

I started laughing out loud.  “Good, because my vagina was starting to feel really bad.  You almost made her cry.”

“This is the sickest conversation I’ve ever had.  Is it always gonna be this way with you?”

“Yeah, so you’d better get used to it, buddy.”

The mood got to be serious again (for about two seconds).  “I don’t mean to keep offending you, but-”

“You can trust my vagina, Marshall.  She’ll be good to you.”

“Could you please stop sayin’ that word?”

I apologized and continued on.  “I swear that you have nothing to worry about. Ok?”

“Ok.”  He started to smile at me and I felt relieved.

“What now?”

He smiled at me again.  “Get down on the floor.”

I looked at him like he was crazy.  “Do what?”

“I’m not gonna go through life knowing that your skinny ass dominated me in wrestling.”

“Fine.”  I sat down on the floor, looked up at him and started smiling.

He kneeled down in front of me and I stopped grinning.  “Is this really happening?”

He didn’t say anything.  He just pushed me down on my back.  Hard.

“Did I hurt you, Jill?”

I nodded.  “A little.”

“Did you like it?”  He positioned himself between my legs.  “That is what you like, right?”

“Yeah.”

“Good.”  He kissed my forehead.  “’Cause I wanna do what you like.”

I wrapped my arms and legs around him as tight as I could.

“I love you, Marshall.”

“Jillian?”

“What?”

“I love you, too.”

Now…um…sex on a kitchen floor…not something I had ever done before.  Of course now it’s a totally different story, but…yeah…anyway…that has since taken the place of the bathroom.  The bathroom is yesterday’s news…well; it still gets put to good use.  But not as much as before.

You probably want me to go into great detail right about now, huh?  Well, the day I go into great detail is the day I write a romance novel.  Besides, I can’t remember all of that stuff.  I think there were a lot of bodily fluids involved, though.  And as far as I can remember, my vagina was on her best behavior.

When the deed was done I pulled my skirt back down and Marshall put his goodies away.

He grabbed my wrist and started pulling me toward the staircase.  “Come on, Jillian.”

“You can’t make me come just by telling me to.”

My poor attempt at sexual innuendo made him smile.  “I thought I did that just a few minutes ago.”

I’m not gonna comment on that line.

Anyway, we went upstairs and I made sure to slip on a pair of underwear before we fell asleep together.  I woke up in the morning and the first thing I saw was the phrase, “Rot in Pieces.”  Not exactly the greatest thing to see when you first wake-up….

I didn’t remember Marshall taking his shirt off and I certainly didn’t remember sleeping so low.  God only knows how I ended up down there.  I moved up so that my head was resting on his chest.  “Marshall?”

“Hmm?”

“Rot in pieces…not cool…”

“Sorry, honey.”

He hung around with me until about noon.  I was dreading the fact that he was leaving, but I handled it well.

I walked him to the door and he had a few words with me before he left.

“I’ll be home all day so call me or swing by when everything’s settled.  Ok?”

“Ok.”

“You gonna be alright?”

I nodded.  “I’m just a little sore.”

“I wasn’t talkin’ about that.”

“Oh…”

He laughed.  “Just try and get in touch with me by the end of the day.”

“I will.”

I said goodbye to him and went back upstairs.  I headed back into my bedroom and went straight into the bathroom that’s located there.

I stopped dead in my tracks when I saw someone lying there.  I kneeled down beside him and took a deep breath.  “Um…Randy?”

He scared the living shit out of me when his eyes popped open.  “Um…Randy…how long have you been here?”

He sat up and looked at me and I really hated the look that he gave me.

Randy cleared his throat and wiped his eyes.  “My dad brought me back at about 8 o’clock this morning.”

“Uh…”

“I saw Marshall’s car parked out front and right then I pretty much new what was going on.  I’m not dumb.  You know that I’m not dumb.”

I went to say something but he quickly cut me off.

“I thought about killing you.  I thought about killing you and him.”

“Why are you in the bathroom?”

He didn’t answer the question.  “You looked cute, Jillian.  You looked really cute lying there with him.  I don’t think I’ve ever seen anything that cute.”  He smiled.  “You sleeping with the back of your skirt tucked inside your underwear…you’re just adorable.”

“Randy, I’m--”

He looked at my right hand.  “I see you’re wearing your ring.  It’s just not on the correct hand.”  I could tell that he was starting to get angry.  “Why’d you fuck him, Jillian?  Did you really have to fuck him?  You know I love you.”

“Randy, you took the ring from me and told me not to bother coming home with you…”

“That’s a cop out.”

“A cop out?  Are you insane?”

“You knew I was gonna give that ring back to you, Jillian!  You knew it!”

“Randy, you don’t have to yell.”

“I don’t have to yell?!  My girlfriend just fucked somebody else and I don’t have to yell?!”

“I’m not your girlfriend.”  I barely choked out the words.

“What did you say?”

“I’m not your girlfriend.  That’s why I fucked him.  I fucked him because I’m not your girlfriend.”

So, I freaked out when he reached over and grabbed me by the throat with both hands.  He was strangling the life out of me.  He got me down flat on the floor and continued to squeeze my neck.  I had to do something so I stuck my nails into his hands until he finally let go.

He sat back and apologized.  “I’m really sorry, Jill.”

I rubbed my neck as I sat up.  “I thought you were gonna kill me.”

“I thought so, too.”

I was almost afraid to look at him.  “You should probably leave, Randall.”

“Leave?  You want me to leave?”

“Yeah.”

“I don’t get it, Jillian.  We were doing so good.  What happened?”

I shrugged my shoulders.  “I’m not sure.  Everything happened so fast.”

He reached out and grabbed me. 

“Randy?  What are you doing?”

“Hugging you.”

“Why?”

“There’s no reason why I shouldn’t.  You’re still my favorite little cocksucker.”

I gave in and returned his embrace.  “I’m sorry, Randy.”

“You gonna make it up to me?”

“How am I supposed to do that?”

“We can start from scratch.”  He kissed my forehead.  “Please?”

“I can’t do that.”  I pulled away from him.  “It’ll only make things more and more complicated.”

Randy and me were like that all day long.  He walked around the house begging me and I was constantly giving him reasons why we couldn’t be together.  I did feel bad for him, though.  He didn’t deserve to be hurt.

The middle of the night came and I hadn’t gotten in touch with Marshall.  Randy had already fallen asleep and I was on my way up the stairs when I heard a light knock on the door.  I grabbed my glasses off of the entertainment center and slipped them on before going to the door.

I answered it and smiled.  “Hi, Marshall.”

“Jillian?  I didn’t know you wore glasses.”

“Nobody but the family knows.  It’s a well-kept secret.”

He smirked at me.  “You alright?  You look tired.”

“It’s been a rough day.”

“Where’s Randy?”

“In bed.”

“He’s here?  You didn’t--”

“No, Marshall.  We didn’t.”

“Were you gonna go upstairs and sleep with him?”

I didn’t bother lying.  “Most likely.”

“Why?”

I didn’t respond to his question.  “You wanna come in for a while?”

“Won’t he get up?”

“Once Randy’s asleep he’ll stay that way until morning.  He doesn’t get up throughout the night.”  I moved out of the way so he could walk in.  “So, what brings you here?”

“You didn‘t get in touch with me like I asked you to.  I got worried.”

“So you decided to come all the way over here?”

“Yeah.”

I flashed him the sweetest smile that I possibly could.  “So…um…I guess we’re official now, huh?”

“If you’re ready to be.”

“I’m ready, Marshall.”

And that’s it.  We’re officially official.  I still don’t think I made all the right choices or handled things properly, but it’s all done and over with.

Curious to know where everyone is right now?

Well, Randy moved away, but not to California.  He moved back to St. Louis and took Rick and Karen with him.  He’s living in a mansion and they’re staying in a condo that he purchased for them.

My mom and dad are now legally separated.  She lives with me in the house that I once shared with Randy.  My dad sold a bunch of stories and pictures of me to the tabloids and used the money to move to Miami.  That’s the last I heard about him.

Me and Marshall are doing our best.  I don’t really know how else to put it.

Do I still talk to Randy?  Every single day.  Does Marshall like it?  Not necessarily, but he deals with it.  I think he’s at the point where he can sort of understand my need to talk to him.  He gets it.

Giving Randy up will always be the hardest thing I ever had to do.  I’ll never just forget about him or suddenly stop loving him.

All in all, thing’s are really the way they should be. 

For now…everything’s fine.

THE END

A/N: Wanna know what life is like for Jill and Marsh?  Look for the sequel to Upside Down!  Coming soon…

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Author: PrettyandCapable@aol.com

These stories are for entertainment purposes only.  They are completely fictitious, and the authors mean no harm to EMINEM, his family, friends, or anyone else that may have been depicted as a 'real life' character.  No money was made on the fiction here, either directly or indirectly, i.e. paid advertising. In other words - it's just a bunch of shit we wrote for fun. Please don't take it seriously.